I was chosen by my Community Group to speak to the rest of the Community Groups about how Community Group has affected and grown my faith this week. This was scary to me. I have shared in front of churches before about mission opportunities, taught lessons, prayed, sang, etc.. This is not foreign to me, and yet I was STRESSED. After checking in with myself I realized the stress I was experiencing is residual tenderness from the less than ideal experiences I have had with church in the past year and a half.
I was struck with fear of judgement and subsequent rejection. Aching pain arose at the memory of the ripping pain caused when I was forced to leave a church. Forced to leave people I loved. Painfully aware of the injustice and legalistic response, also aware that it was justified in the minds of those doling out the punishment. I became aware of the depth of the wounds caused when those events occurred. Reminded again of their consequences, but also finding that the pain felt dull. Less intense. A faded memory of the original wound. I was reminded of the love that the body of Christ offered after that happened. I was scared to trust any Christian, doing everything in my power to make myself an easy target for judgement. It took a little bit for me to even set foot into a church. I was aware of the humanity contained within those walls. Whenever there are people involved there is a large margin for error. Healing began when the body of Christ showed its humanity in vulnerability and grace poured from others in my community group. Messy humans lumped together in a beautiful mess. Able to acknowledge mistakes and make amends. Aware of their position before God(justified), and leaning into The Word, and The Spirit, seeking the life abundant talked about in scripture (sanctification).
Reminded of these things as I began to pray about what to say to these people my fear dissipated. The knowledge that I am here for an audience of 1 and He has already decided to redeem me makes the approval of man pale. Reminded that even if they did reject me, my worth is not found in what they think or have to say; I was able to breathe easy. Knowing that seeking Christ is my goal. Knowing that loving and showing grace is telling about my savior, especially when the offense comes from within The Body.
It was uncomfortable to talk publicly about the wounds that I carry. Wounds inflicted by people very similar to those sitting in front of me. Vulnerability is uncomfortable. Exposing secrets and shame is uncomfortable, but ultimately these things bring healing and often redemption of the people or circumstances involved in the secrets and shame. Bringing not only healing for the wounded but encouragement for those in their midst. Wisdom and perspective for the future.
I am grateful to say that those present at the Community Group meeting did not throw rotten produce at me nor ask me to leave immediately, never return. They prayed with me. They hugged me. Speaking kind words,and expressing encouragement from my experiences. I am reminded once again that everything is made beautiful in its time. I am eager to see what riches this extraordinarily painful and shame filled experience will have over the course of its healing.
