Let me just say that I have never been one for favorites. No favorite food. No favorite color. No favorite song or genre. In saying that I have never had a favorite verse. I have had scripture that I would carry with me through certain seasons of life. Just not one specifically has risen to the top. Currently the scripture I find myself referring back to is 2 Samuel 22:17-20.
17“He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
18“He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me, for they were too strong for me.
19“They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my support.
20“He also brought me forth into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
This most recent season of my life had many struggles. Struggles with sin. Struggles with identity. Struggles of loss. This scripture that I am writing about is Davids Psalm of Deliverance.
David is one of the most talked about characters in the Bible. He had great success and great failure. He had many enemies and was caught up in a lot of drama that he mostly created himself. In these verses he is screaming praise to God for doing what only God can do. He is crying out the ways that God really showed up in his life.
My life has been a series of traumatic events. haha I literally cannot look back at one year that something just absolutely wild did not take place in my life. Whether it was family drama, broken bones, illness, loss, depression, anxiety, poor choices, or heartache. I know what you are probably thinking,”This girl is on a little poor me pity party.” You couldn’t be further from the truth.
About 4 months ago I had the biggest reality check. Before I continue, I need to introduce you guys to Mikyhla. Mikyhla is the closest thing to a big sister that I have ever had. She has prayed with me. Laughed with me. Cried with me and definitely set me in my place a few times. The most important thing you need to know about Mikyhla is that she has always loved me without hesitation or reservation. She has always redirected me to the Lord and she will always be so special to my heart.
I can’t even remember what was going on in my life that caused Mikyhla and I to be having such a deep conversation. However, I was wallowing in self-pity and being far to emotional. Mikyhla and her sweet heart was doing everything in her power to console me. We were talking about pain, confusion and holes that had been left in our hearts. Mainly we were talking about fear. She, like me, had a not typical childhood.
I was driving home from a doctors appointment in Lubbock when Mikyhla called me. She was already crying when I picked up the phone. I was a little worried considering I was usually the one with tears and snot bubbles. I can remember her saying “I had a dream about you last night.” I asked her what it was about and she began telling me what God had shown her. “I saw you and your husband in this big house on a hill in the country. you had two kids a boy and a girl. I couldn’t make out any faces other than the little girls. She looked just like you with curly blonde hair and freckles. She was so full of energy and joy. You were beaming with happiness. You had everything that you wanted and it was so good.” I remember tears welling up in my eyes as I drove.
I was coming back from getting my 4th monthly shot. In June I had an exploratory surgery concerning my reproductive organs. I have had issues as long as I could remember and I was terrified that at the end of my treatments they would tell me that I couldn’t have my own children. This was a topic of conversation that I felt comfortable having with Mikyhla because she too struggled with this and ended up adopting three of the most precious kids you have ever seen. Noah, Sam and Ariel Jane are so blessed to have Nolan and Mikyhla to teach them about what truly loving the Lord looks like. I have looked up to Mikyhla since day one of our friendship and will forever admire her.
She continued, “Everything was so beautiful. Everything but this small fenced off area of your front yard. It was dark and gloomy and creepy. It made me feel really uncomfortable. It looked like an abandoned flower bed and in the middle of this closed off area there was a bench. Like maybe one that you would see in a cemetery. I was watching you so full of joy as you walked across your yard to this area and opened the gate. You walked in and sat on this bench. You kept telling your daughter that she was never allowed to come into this part of the yard. She was confused because you had frequented it so often. You kept saying that it was only your place and that she wouldn’t like it in there. She kept asking to come and sit with you and as tears welled up in your eyes you got stern with her and said that she is NEVER ALLOWED.”
Mikyhla explained to me her confusion as to why I so willing went to this bench and how comfortable I looked as I sat on it. She said that I was terrified that the people I loved most in life were somehow going to get in and I had to remind them that it was not a good place. God had given me all my dreams and yet I continued to go to this dark place in my perfect little world.
At this point of the conversation I am full on having an ugly cry. I told Mikyhla that it is hard for me to accept the good things in life. That I was so used to the bad things popping in that I just found comfort in them. That there was no way things in MY life could be so perfect.
As we talked and prayed over this dark bench in my life that I so willingly went to rest on, I was mortified. I didn’t want my bench to be shared. I didn’t even want my bench to begin with. I didn’t want anyone that I loved to have a bench. She explained that in her dream I was unaware that I was teaching my own daughter that it was okay to have that bench. That I wasn’t showing strength in tearing that bench up and that all she could think was that my kids would one day be on a bench of their own.
WOW. Like lets talk about digging deep into yourself. So deep in fact that I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about it but it is something that will never leave my mind. God used Mikyhla to reveal to me the one thing that was preventing me from the joy I was so desperate for each day.
I prayed and prayed about what this meant to me and how I could destroy this bench in my life. How I was going to stop opening up my arms so wide to welcome in pain and hurt in my life. I had no idea where to begin in this new renovation of my heart. It was around this time in my life that I stumbled over the scripture above and it all became clear to me. “He delivered me, for they were too strong for me.” This was not just chance.
From that day I relied on God to start the painful uprooting of this dark comfort zone of my life. This place that I was constantly drawn to. There is far too much joy and good that has been present in my life, all of my life, to let this dark area continue to keep me from experiencing how sweet life was. Even in the midst of blissfulness I found it true that I would retreat to this bench. Almost like I was bringing in the darkness before it could come and knock me off my feet.
Whats your bench? Is it a dark spot of your heart where you willingly allow your joy to be robbed from you and accept the things that bring you down? Is it fear of failure? Is it a front that you put up because you don’t want to be seen as weak? Whatever it may be in your life, uproot it. This bench is preventing you from all that God has promised you. It is holding you down from the things that God has planned. Take the Word and prayer and use it to bulldoze this part of yourself down. You put on your hard hat and your boots.
We will unconsciously pull people to sit next to us on these benches if we continue to allow them residency in our hearts. I am here to tell you that I have been singing my song of deliverance since that very day. That the room I have created in my heart for the fruits of the Spirit to take root has transformed me in incredible ways. Allow God to do what only He can do for you. You cannot remove this bench on your own. Do you ever see construction workers by themselves? NO, it is a team of people working diligently on one project for days. DAYSSSSSSS. Don’t lose courage or hope. You have a team in bright orange, holding up traffic to take time on your heart.
TEAR DOWN YOUR BENCHES AND PLANT NEW SOIL!
That new soil will grow wonderful things that you will be able to pass on to people struggling with benches of their own. Allow the Lord to deliver you from whatever it is holding you back from living your truth. Do not be afraid to confront this bench and demand its exit. Do not be afraid to let it go. It is not easy. It is uncomfortable but it is toxic and needs to be removed.
Jeremiah 32:38-40
And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me.
From one construction worker to another! 🙂
xoxo
