yes, you read that correctly, i am leaving the Race.
this decision was not by any means an easy one to make. it was one that took me weeks to even think about realistically as being an option. after that, it took me days of thinking to even say it out loud. once i said it out loud, i spent even more days just listening and looking for what the Lord was thinking and saying. and eventually, it was so clear to me what i had to do that there was absolutely no turning away from it.
being on the Race is hard, yes, of course. it’s expected to be. life as a missionary and as a christian is never expected to be easy. but i don’t think the Lord expects us to be living in WHAT WORD TO USE HERE disdain? . since being in Ecuador, i have been seriously struggling. struggling with my mental health, struggling with the decisions being made for us, struggling with the community around me, and struggling with our ministry. our time in Ecuador has been spent in tight restrictions. we have had the great opportunity to live at two different ministry sites for several weeks, doing manual labor but not being able to go out very much except a guided tourist excursion here and there. and while this is very much a great form of ministry, my heart has also been really hurting, knowing that i’m halfway across the world on a missions trip and i’m not telling people about Jesus. i did a gap year and didn’t go straight into college because of the urgency i felt in my heart to love people who haven’t been loved and be a vessel of Jesus. but that urgency isn’t really being met here, and that really hurts my heart.
mentally, this has been one of the most trying things i’ve ever gone through. my mental health is not something that has ever really been an area of great struggle or concern for me so evaluating how different that is for me here was an area of concern. again, the Race isn’t supposed to be easy and i know that. but, waking up almost everyday wanting to be anywhere BUT where my feet are just can’t be healthy. being in a place where it takes more energy to enjoy the life im living than it does to let it go by just can’t be healthy.
with all of this, i want you to hear me say that my Race has not been a waste of time. i don’t regret doing it. the Lord has not been absent, people have not gone unloved, and the financial support of everyone who partnered with the Lord and myself to facilitate this journey has not gone down the drain. my squad and i went into each ministry opportunity whole heartedly and we did our work well. we loved on the staff and made the most of what the Lord had set in front of us. we made an impact by leaving the handiwork of Jesus on these places. and i never want to ignore what the Lord has done these last 7 months. ESPECIALLY my week in Casa Zoe at dunamis with the young girls who had been saved from abuse. so, while this is a hard thing for me to be leaving the Race, it’s also not the end of the world because even after i leave Ecuador, He’ll still be here. and He’ll continue working here. and when the rest of my squad goes to Guatemala in a couple of weeks, He’l be working there too. and when i get home, He’ll be there and everywhere in between. and that’s the peace i find in this. that it’s not up to me to try to be God wherever i am.
also in this, i want you all to know that i’m not just going to go home and kick back and do nothing about this life change. while i am absolutely going to take what i need to regroup and be a healthy, functioning human, i’m also going to continue to be the hands and feet of Jesus. when the Lord called me to missions, He called me there for life. so ministry doesn’t end when i leave the Race, in fact He’s grown my heart reeeeally tender for my family (in the states and in Peru) and for the beautiful people that live where i call home. so this is an end to a season but it’s not an end to much else cause, like i said, God’s still gonna be moving and i’m committed to being a part of that.
in this decision, i want to be very transparent about the why and also about what my time on the field was like and everything about my experience. so, if any of this seemed unclear or you just wanna hear about what my experience was like, i’m very open to answering questions or just having a conversation about any of it. i really deeply appreciate every single person who has supported me in every single way from beginning to end and even beyond this. thank you.
the moment i felt peace about this was when the Lord showed me this really picture of me and Him and what He was doing. i’ll share the journal entry depicting what i saw, and i hope it leaves you with that feeling of overwhelming stillness He likes to give us <3.
“He picks me up, clothes me in white, washes my face off, cleans the tears. and lifts my head: ‘ look around. It’s OK. There’s nothing and no one keeping you here. I want you to know you’re free. I hold your hand and walk with you through things. But I don’t pull you down or hold you back. The door behind you is closed, you can’t go back. you can sit here, if you want. But the door in front of you is open and you’re free to walk through it. And if you do, I’ll walk with you, don’t worry.’ He takes my hand, gives me a hug, holds my shoulders, looks me in the eyes and says ‘You can do this. It’s hard, I know, but we can do this. I’m already on the other side. Don’t worry.’ He wipes one glimmering tear off my cheek, gives me a “i’m proud of you & you’re strong” smile. it’s soft. And we walk, hand-in-hand through the door. And it’s quiet. And it’s peace.”
- with love, and see you soon Melbourne. like tomorrow soon.
Sofia O <3
