Dear Whoever Reads This,
I don’t know your past, or anything about you. All I know is you’re another person living in a sinful world. I know things have happened that you wish hadn’t. I know that some of your lives have been changed in one second. I know that life is hard, and I’m truly sorry. I won’t say I know how you feel, but I want to tell you how I used to feel.
The year of 2015 will always be there to haunt me, and to guide me. At age 16 I was showed that love was a job, and I thought that it was normal. Although I grew up learning that love is patient and love is kind, someone decided to take that away from me. I lost my virginity by rape, and continued to get sexually, physically, and mentally abused. He was addicted, and it wouldn’t stop. A stormy day was how I felt. Numb. Rained on. With cloudy thoughts. The life was sucked out of me, and the bubbly Lily was gone. As each day passed, I felt more lonely. I was turning into an introvert, and hiding because I was scared, but being alone felt safe.
As the years went on, and the circumstances were gone the memory of his actions still creeped up on me. Every time I thought I was ready to move on He would remind me I wasn’t. It felt like a storm in my heart. A battle between wanting to love without trust because taking the risk was more scary than never having it. I went through my life holding onto what happened because I didn’t want it to happen again. I was a nervous wreck, and I was pushing people away without even knowing it. It never occurred to me that it could get better, and I never thought the ongoing PTSD could be taken away.
One day, I finally took my mess to God. I hadn’t before because I was mad He let it happen, and without knowing it I couldn’t trust Him. I felt abandoned by God, and for that feeling only I was trying to do life on my own. The void that only God can fill was sitting there empty creating such a ruckus in my soul.
Job 15:31- Let him not trust in emptiness, deceiving himself; For emptiness will be his reward.
The ongoing mess was my fault. I ignored God’s presence deceiving myself that I didn’t need His help. I forgot that He is the king of the world, and it is our choice to let Him in. I truly thought I was doing the best for myself by living in my own emptiness, but I was just alive not living.
Thankfully I came from a christian home, and mother who prays everyday for her loved ones. Because of that alone, conviction was stirring in my heart for years. She wouldn’t allow me to give up on God because she knew there was more for me, and she knew God has an amazing plan for me.
Ezekiel 37:13-14- Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.
So one day I realized I couldn’t handle the everyday life. I noticed that a lot things reminded me of my circumstances, and that it was eating me alive. So no human contact was basically the answer. I mean not completely, but no getting close to people because that was scary. I ended up being the counselor for almost everyone I knew. We would talk about their problems, and it frustrated me because I wanted to talk about mine, but I didn’t know how. In result, I would get angry at them, because they didn’t notice how I felt. Of course, I would never dare to voice that to them, but I just wasn’t really there for the friendship. My fruits of spirit were definitely lacking! It’s like I was having an outer-body experience (bare with me please). What I’m trying to say is, I simply wasn’t all there, and if you were once close to me you know what I’m talking about. Picture this, I could see myself in the situation I was in, and I would watch myself in my head. I was completely numb, and the love I had for people vanished because of what was taken away from me. I felt like I deserved so much more than I had, but I felt too unworthy to get it from God. Therefore I couldn’t get out of that season. The pathetic thing is, I knew very well that God can bring life to dry bones.
John 10:10- “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
For so long I was the most pathetic person ever. I always knew I was stubborn, but I never thought it would affect my happiness. I was the type of person to push it down, and bottle it up. Hoping that one day I might poop it out, but then freaking out after a few months of holding it in. Looking back at it now I feel so dumb, but feeling it then destroyed me. And it didn’t help that I put myself on pause in a season for so long. I let satan rule my life for almost four years, and knowing that now really gets to me. Don’t hold something in because it’s all you know. God can only bless who you really are not who you pretend to be. God wants the truth and the truth will set you free. One of our jobs is to release. Whether it be to release our anger, attitude, feelings, grudges, or even dreams you had at twelve that have nothing to do with your purpose. Satan knows God has amazing plans for us, and He knows that He can remind us of that one tragedy to keep us from serving our God. He knows who and what gets under your skin, and he will use it against us. Don’t let what was plaguing you then control you now.
The crazy thing is, when I pictured my future it always involved me helping others. It was just what I dreamed about, and what I couldn’t stop thinking about. Which blew my mind because that part of me was ripped away. Eventually some chain of events made me decide to take a sabbatical from the jail cell I put myself in, just to see if God can really heal. So I would seek God every day, and ask Him to, “Show me more of You, and allow me to feel Your presence”. And what do you know! It was an instant reaction. I felt peace like I had never felt before. I felt loved, and worthy, and my anxiety was gone. I could sleep at night! My PTSD was destroyed in the name of the Lord! And after about 6 months of leaning on God, I was asking Him what was next. He said, “The World Race”. I then applied, got accepted, and continued to poor my life into Him. And that was the start of my healing process, and I’ll never look back.
