One week… It’s hard to believe that one week ago I came home from training camp. I’ve been thinking about training camp for a little over a year now. Pondering what it would be like, what items I would or wouldn’t need, imagining what it’d be like to finally meet my squad in person. Covid changed so much of what I thought camp would look like. And yet here I am; back home, reflecting on everything that God did, and finding myself thankful beyond words.
There were so many lies that were uprooted. So much truth that was planted deep. My relationship with God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit was refined and strengthened. Hope and faith were, and continue to be, restored in areas I gave up on long ago. There is so much that I am still working on processing, and truthfully I’m okay with it taking as long as necessary. In the meantime though, let me tell you a couple of my favorite stories from camp!
Harmony
Arrival day was grey and soggy, and periodically the rain would either stop or start up again. Puddles were already forming as we entered our campsite for the week, and not only were we getting soaked but so was our stuff. However, something beautiful began breaking through the bleakness of the day. The air was filled with shouts, cheers, and squeals of delight as more and more members of H Squad reached the campsite. No one was left to set up their tent alone; anywhere from two to six people sprang into action so that everyone’s tents stayed as dry as possible. The immediate unity I saw between forty-four strangers was quite indescribable. But let me tell you that it absolutely shifted the atmosphere. Harmony was wildly evident to me… in the sounds of voices chatting and welcoming others, in the selfless help given, and in the secret smiles when no one was looking. What a fitting way to begin the week H Squad.
Hope
I know without a doubt that I am not the only girl in the world who struggles with self esteem and feeling worthy. The two weeks I was in North Carolina and Georgia were no exception. Sometimes you see a photo of yourself at *just* the wrong angle, and boom. The enemy has a heyday. Combine that with camping in the pouring rain, limited access to showers, and being stretched out of your comfort zone in just about every way possible and let me tell you I just wasn’t having a grand time in the way I viewed myself or how I imagined my new squad mates would be seeing me. Admittedly this is an area I’ve wrestled with for a long time. I have good days and bad days just like anyone else, but God really wanted to get something through to me in this season. First was encouragement from a couple of my friends; their kind words should have been truth to my aching heart but the lies shouted “They’re just saying that because they’re supposed to. It isn’t really true.”. I thanked them, and still felt wounded. Next was a simple yet very powerful word from one of my leaders during worship. “I was praying and asking God for a word for you and I heard ‘all together beautiful’.” At hearing these words from the heart of my father who created me, I broke. The lies still tried to fight their way back, but the truth won. I remember seeing my reflection in the cloudy sorta potty mirror later that night and immediately being disgusted, but just as quickly as the lies came, the truth did too. I cocked my head to the side and smiled at what I saw; choosing to believe that I am all together beautiful. The third moment was intense and honestly a little scary. Our whole squad had broken into spontaneous worship during a break time, and the question was asked “What is it that you’re hiding behind your back? God is asking you to give him that thing that you’ve been hiding and holding on to.”. That shook me to my core and immediately my eyes were brimming with tears, because I knew exactly what God was asking me for. But I was terrified to let go of it. It wouldn’t be until after getting home when I was able to release that thing in spite of my fear. Later in the week, I was blessed to become the Beauty for Ashes coordinator for my team, but I felt so under qualified. Slowly though, like a window defogging, everything God had been doing in me started to make sense. How can I lead women into freedom and understanding of their identity in Christ when I don’t walk in that freedom and understanding myself? Surrendering and yielding to the process that God had been taking me on became a little easier with this revelation. On the other side of training camp, God used each of the situations I shared above to bring healing, confidence, joy, understanding, and freedom. I understand my value and identity to a completely new level now, and I’m embracing the joy of walking that out and not letting lies in any longer. Dreams I gave up on years ago have new vibrancy and hope has been restored in several key areas. It’s so sweet to trust and hope in Jesus.
Holy
One evening, about three days into camp, we were given a task for the upcoming night. Our task was an all night prayer watch; we needed at least 3 people praying in shifts each hour from bedtime until seven in the morning. While I absolutely love prayer watches, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to this. It was the hump day of camp, so I was already struggling and I was so exhausted I could have just burst into tears. Two in the morning until two-thirty was the time slot I agreed to – albeit unenthusiastically. On the walk back to camp, I spoke briefly on the phone with my mentor and she prayed for me before we hung up. I distinctly remember falling asleep earnestly thanking God for what He was doing and how he was expanding and increasing my capacity. One-forty five in the morning came too quickly, but myself and a couple others made our way to the prayer area. Prayer time was so sweet that I ended up staying for an hour and a half, rather than my designated thirty minutes. Back at my tent sleep came quickly and when it was time to get up for the day I was stunned to find myself feeling more rested and refreshed than I had felt in a week and a half. There was such a peace and contentment in my spirit that I hadn’t felt in awhile. My squad mates shared various testimonies of everything God did throughout the night, and a couple of the guys even stayed up for the entire night. God’s many facets of holiness and beauty were truly on display. What a joy and an honor that H Squad gets to be a part of it.
H Squad – y’all have my heart and my yes!
Much love,
Laina
