For the past several years I have kept a prayer journal. It is part of my morning routine and a way I can look back and reflect on the Lord’s faithfulness and the status of my heart over time. In it, I battle insecurities and doubts. In it, I praise Jesus for growth and newness. In it, I ask hard questions and sometimes wait on answers for months. But my prayer journal is raw and it is my honest heart.
I want to share with y’all an entry from September 2nd, 2019, just before I applied for the Race. It reads:
“Heavenly Father,
I draw near to you, will you draw near to me? Right now it is 8:30am on a Monday and I work nightshift tonight. I have been sick, tired, and generally feeling lonely. I drove to cookout tonight at 2:30am, waited in line forever, they got my order wrong, I spilled my water in the center console and then spilled my entire meal on the floor of the passengers side. Not a single thing was going right. I came home and ate my chicken quesadillas and opened my laptop to look at the World Race routes for August 2020. Now I am filled with emotions. For six years I have longed to serve you on the WR. To leave the comforts of the United States and go adventure with you overseas. Selfishly, I almost left in 2016, but you provided me with the opportunity to honor my parents instead. Now, almost 4 years later I can go. I am now independent-financially, relationally, etc. and my contract with end next June. Although I am not 100% certain on a route, I have 2 great options and a heart to serve.
But I am scared.
Scared of the logistics. Where will my car stay? What about all my belongings? Do I sell them? But then I’ll have nothing when I come home. What will people think? Will other believers judge my desire to go on the World Race? “Why not reach the lost here in the States?” Will I raise enough support? Will I have to return home because I never had enough money? What about health insurance? Will my 403b still exist when I come back? Where will I come back to? Will any of my friends support me or reach out while I’m gone? What if something happens to my parents while I’m away? Will I ever forgive myself for leaving in the first place? Father, my head is spinning thinking about all this.
Gently I hear you say, “But what if I take care of all of that, just as I’ve taken care of you all along?”
What if I go? What if I’m obedient? What if I get to be a part of something bigger than myself? What if I see dead people become alive in Christ? What if the Lord uses me in the life of a young woman trapped in sex slavery and I get to watch her walk in freedom? What if the power of prayer heals an elderly man in Asia right before my eyes? What if Jesus has called you to more than a life of comfort and routine? What if you looked your fears and doubts in the face and said ‘My God is bigger!’? What if you simply said yes to your Lord’s beckoning of your heart, Kayla?
So I will. I will walk in obedience to what you have asked of me, Lord. Boldly trusting that You have my best interest in mind. Here I am, Lord, send me. You can have it all. Every part of my world. I love you. I trust you. In Jesus’ powerful and holy name I pray.
Amen.”
