**Before my Race even began, the one thing I promised myself and others was that through my blogs and instagram posts, I wanted to give the most raw version of myself & what the race truly was. That meant being brutally honest even when it was hard. So with that being said, what I’m about to write will include real feelings, thoughts, and emotions during my time in Ecuador.
The month in between training camp and launching internationally, was the hardest month of my race. Going from a place where I had to drop all of my comforts of home and live in a tent, take bucket showers, and eat literal rations to then going to a place I once called home but didn’t recognize it. Everything that once was so familiar to me was now an uncomfortable place to sleep. I never thought I would ever feel uncomfortable in my own home and that scared me. I wasn’t prepared to feel that way.
So within a week or so of being home, I dove into a deep depression. I would mask it at times, but other times I would let it out in anger or keep it within myself and feel dead inside.
*I am one to be very open about my feelings and emotions, so my parents were aware of it and that helped me know I could talk to them about what I was feeling.
When it came time to pack for Ecuador and the next 5 months of my life, things didn’t feel real. I felt like I was in a dream packing up my bags and saying goodbye to my family once again. This is where my emotional processing slowly became non-existent. My parents were my last goodbye. Two days later, my squad and I were off to Ecuador. The minute we stepped out of the airport, I was in shock. We really were in Ecuador, and “home” is no where to be seen.
We arrived at our ministry host’s house and that’s where I began to dive deeper in my depression which was still lingering from the month break. I started saying, “I can’t do this, my mental health isn’t well, I think I need professional help back home. Bye world race, sorry to my supporters who have been with me from the beginning, I’m unable to follow through with my commitment, go ahead and tell me I’m a failure and I won’t have a successful life.”
**if you think Im kidding, I’m most definitely not 🙂
Those words I was speaking over myself were lies straight from the enemy. There was no source of life giving words being spoken over me. I was sliding down the familiar spiral of emotions where one thing after another causes more tears to stream down my face.
When God first called me to the race, I specifically asked him, ‘Lord, if this is truly your will, I know you will provide the money I need to raise before each deadline. He did exactly that and even fully funded me before the first deadline.
My mom reminded me of that when I called her for advice on whether or not I should leave the field. Man, I love my mom. She is such a wonderful woman of God and she has never once talked to me like I can’t do something that’s hard. I get frustrated sometimes though, because she never lets me be a victim of something, she is always speaking truth over me and telling me I can always do better even if I wasn’t at fault. As I’ve grown older, I learned to appreciate her, especially in that specific moment when I was about to turn away from the season the Lord called me to.
At the end of our phone call, my mom told me one last thing which was “take it day by day and ask the Lord what He has to offer for that day.” So, when my team and I reached our first ministry, the Dunamis Foundation, thats exactly what I did. A few weeks went by and I called my mom again telling her I still can’t do this. I was then encouraged to keep pressing on. Before I knew it, more weeks went by in between my abrupt phone calls, and soon enough two months went by and I was at my second ministry, El Refugio, enjoying the presence of the Lord. Looking back at those two months, the Lord has grown and stretched my faith in ways I never thought He could. I am very thankful for the growth He brought me through and will continually look back on this season not only as a season of hardships but also a season of growth and perseverance.
I’m writing this blog to encourage whoever needs to hear that you’re not alone in the hard seasons. There are going to be many moments in life that will get very hard and you’re going to want to quit or walk away. Instead of walking away, go ahead and be honest with God and tell Him ‘I am so mad at you right now! I want to quit but you aren’t letting me.’ Then follow up and ask the Lord to reveal to you the beauty that will come out of pressing into the hard seasons. God knows things won’t be easy for you, He didn’t call you and say “Come follow me and life will be a breeze.”
The moments when life gets tough are the moments when you experience the most growth and when you have to trust God and know that He will give you the strength to persevere.
Sometimes God speaks encouragement over you through His own children, just like He used my mom & dad to speak truth over me, encourage me, and pray fiercely for me. Seek out wise council and find accountability so you can look back and see the beauty that came from moments of transformation and hardships.
**You can do hard things when you look to God to give you the clarity, power, and strength to persevere! Be honest with yourself and with God. He wants to have that personal relationship where you can talk to him about anything… literally anything :))
Xo Clara Jane
