The one word on my heart that past 3 weeks has been surrender. In life we are called by culture to never surrender, to always keep pushing, fighting the good fight, and carving a life out for ourselves. That is the American way – To live individualistic, for ourselves, and in complete control. I’ve been trying to live that way for the past 4 years, and after failure after failure, after a season of loneliness mixed with anxiety, defeat, and fear I knew I was called to something greater. I knew deep in my heart there was a truth and a love that held onto me through every season of my life, desiring to have a place bigger in my heart than any other. No matter how many times I fell, no matter how many times I felt defeated, alone, it was tugging on my heart saying “Come home”. I don’t know if any of you have felt that same tug but it was irresistible. A love so irresistible, yet I denied it and denied it for the simple fact I didn’t feel like I deserved it, and I wasn’t ready to surrender myself to it. It took me some time to realize all of my struggle, my worry, my suffering, was created by myself trying to live life by my own will.
I was baptized when I was 12, and then slowly throughout school I lost touch with God and my faith, replacing it with the excitement of the world, the culture, and of the desires of my heart. I thought I was the coolest, had the easiest life, and everything was alright. Living my life in this way led me to eventually find the end of myself. With all of the excess, the partying, the drinking, the friends who were always there but not deeply, left me empty, wondering how I got to where I was. I put my trust in myself. I put my imagination and desire in myself, one thing that was always fleeting, broken, and imperfect. Yet still in my darkest moments, there was a gentle voice deep within my heart saying “Come home”, “You are so loved”.
So later on, after two years living alone outside of my house, going to college, and trying to everything by myself, I decided to move back in with my parents. I grew up in Virginia Beach for 18 years, lived in Harrisonburg Virginia for two years, then relocated to Columbus Ohio where my parents were living due to my dads job moving. This move, was essentially what saved my life, and brought me back to God. It wasn’t a clean journey, or was it necessarily a bad one, but it was something of a miracle. I was biking around downtown Columbus, which I did a lot in my free time because I lived in the business district of Columbus. It was a 10 minute bike ride down to the shops, coffee, and bars of Columbus, or as you could call it, the young people hub. I remember one Sunday evening I was leaving a record store and felt some voice in my heart telling me to go to church, and instantly my mind thought “Why not”, because of that tug that never left me. A tug that filled me with peace, joy, and a certain calmness. So I googled “Non-denominational churches” on my phone and found a church called “Rock City” which happened to be right down town and had a 6pm service. So I went, not knowing what to expect and a little anxious, and was instantly greeted by a smiling face. This guy seemed so over-joyed that I was even talking to him, and was interested in every word I spoke. I told him I just moved to Ohio, had no community, and hadn’t been to church in years. He instantly invited me to his Bible study and I accepted, a decision that changed my life. This guy changed my life because he was totally present, and offered a hand of community and love to me even when he hardly knew me. He changed my life in one moment. After going to Bible study with him, meeting other guys, and coming closer to God, I slowly started to see myself shed much of the pain and burden I was carrying daily. As many times as I forgot to show up to things, my friend would never give up on me. Time and time again he put himself last to make sure I was showing up, being consistent, and honestly just loving me no matter where I was at in my faith, or heart. He showed me what real community looked like, and more importantly, was a friend to me when I needed it.
Although I still had many walls that had yet come down, I felt myself closer to God than in years, and truly felt myself growing daily. That summer after moving to Columbus Ohio I received a phone call from my Dad telling me he was taking a Job in St. Petersburg Florida. Another move, another uprooting, another many goodbyes that had to be said. I was on board though, something felt right about the idea of Florida(other than the 300+ days of sunshine) haha. So as quickly as I found a strong loving community, I was leaving them. Something however told me It was okay, and for the right reason. Coming to St. Pete, one of the first things I did was again google search “Non-denominational Churches” and found a place called Bridgepoint. The first time I went again was a evening service, and I took my mother along with me. It just so happened that there was a guy named Trevor who turned out to be one of the churches Pastors. He instantly connected me to people my age and asked me to come to his bible study. I knew I was in the right place. Again community found me, and slowly I started to surrender myself to God.
The Turning Point
I felt closer to God than ever, and I had seen myself change so much for the better in such a short time. I decided to get baptized again to make a public display to my friends all over the country and back home. Yet there was still areas of my life I was holding onto. After a failed year long relationship I found myself coming back home early. Two relationships, both without God in the center, led to so much pain and wasted energy. As I drove home on the highway, an hour outside of St. Pete, I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. The night before I could hardly sleep, and after a eight hour drive I found myself an hour away, with a migraine and a tiredness that seemed to shake me to my core. It began to rain, and when I mean rain, it poured. I thought to myself “I’m not going to make it, I’m going to fall asleep at the wheel”. Anxiety gripped me at every direction I turned, and then I cried out “God please help me” over and over. Right when I said that, the sun broke through the clouds to the right of me, and a double rainbow appeared to the left of me in the sky. Not only that but the song changed on my radio to “Miracles” by Jesus Culture. The first chorus spoke directly into my heart “The one that made the deaf to hear, is silencing my every fear”. I broke down crying. I told God he had all of me, every single part of me, and that I was surrendering my life to him. I made it home safely, my body tired, my heart amazed at the Father.
As soon as I returned home, community filled my presence and lifted my spirits in love and through honesty, companionship, and warmth. This healing was a blessing, and again made me realize the importance of genuine people. This love led me to the World Race. I stumbled upon it online and instantly felt called to go – I was overcome with excitement. As I let God fill the gaps in my heart where before desire lived, I came to realize my purpose. I knew this trip would change my life, and in turn would spread into my community when I returned. My prayer for the past couple of weeks has been “God lead me, I surrender it all to you, to whatever end use me”. It’s been so beautiful to see the path he is lying ahead of me, and I can only imagine what will come. LOVE is the greatest gift I believe God has given us. The World Race will be a way for me to go out into the world with an open heart, SURRENDERING my time, desire, and energy to his kingdom. I only hope to come back to my community somewhat wiser, somewhat different, with a heart full and ready to pour into the ones I love so much.
Thank you so much for reading
Brent ~~ <3
