Heartbeat is defined as the pulse of your heart, or a single short moment, or something that acts as a unifying force. Very accurately describes the past two weeks in Cambodia.
I’ve found blog writing to be difficult in that there is always so much to write about but there’s also a wall of vulnerability that I’m less than willing to cross. Note that as I move forward in writing, I am working with the Lord to get closer to vulnerability in my faith and life all around and thank you for your patience when I mess up.
Now to the good stuff, the Lord gave me the word heartbeat to explain what’s all been going on in my life here in Cambodia. There are 4 parts to this explanation, beginning with learning the heartbeat of the Khmer people. Now you may be tempted to pronounce this ka-mer but you’ll have to ignore the spelling as Khmer has 36 letters in their alphabet and none of them are the same as ours. it’s actually pronounced ka-my and don’t ask me why because I have no answer. Moving on, this week of ministry has given me such a beautiful view of the heartbeat of the people here and their lives and beliefs. We have gone to different houses every morning where we get to know the people there and get to pray for them and hopefully share the Gospel with them. We met a woman named Kohm, 79 years young, who has been struggling with sickness and strength in her old age and believes she is close to death, less than a week away. Our first visit to her house was heavy, in one word. My team and I didn’t know what words would reach her and we all got the feeling that we were her “last hope”. Someone on my team pointed this out and saw the flaw in our thinking- God works when we aren’t around too. He doesn’t need us to finish everything and make it pretty, we’d just make a mess of it all. He’s the one who takes our words and plants a seed in Kohm’s heart and continues prompting her to question her beliefs with this new truth she’s heard. We visited Kohm a second time and she asked so many questions and got so much information but what I saw was hope that maybe there was an assurance for her going to heaven and a God who wants to hear her voice. She kept asking how to pray and wanted to try it herself and be healed by the Lord. There was something she said that’s continued to run through my head, “I think I love Jesus a little today.” The hope and peace that I felt when I heard Kohm say that was definitely the Holy Spirit. That statement told me so much about the Lord and how he is constantly working in people’s hearts and changing their lives. He doesn’t need me to be there, he wants me to be there. He also allows people to take their time getting to know him. Kohm has heard the truth now, Jesus will pull her the rest of the way to him. In a sense, that is what God is doing in this country, in this village. He is allowing us to be a part of this story and using the truth we speak to pull the Khmer people close to him and I’m so thankful he chose me to be a small help to fulfill his story for Cambodia.
Another way “heartbeat” describes this time is the way my squad is learning to live in unity, with the same heartbeat. Time for that vulnerability I hate, I have been struggling with the relational side of being on a squad. I am not sure how to go about making friends in a ministry setting and so I haven’t. I know a little bit about everyone and I leave it at that because I’m straight up scared. I don’t want to feel alone but catch myself worrying that I’m just annoying everyone I spend time with. I love the people here yet I am not sure how to show them or invest time in each of them individually. Through all of my worries and concerns, the Lord has been so close. He reminds me that spending time sitting with him, in silence or talking, is so valuable and I’m not alone because he is always with me. He gave me this community with purpose and care, to grow me and change me to be more like him. He has put us together to be the body of Christ and live unified, all with the same purpose. We had a corporate worship night on Tuesday and God told me to ask everyone to sing Set a Fire but change the lyrics slightly.
No place we would rather be
No place we would rather be
No place we would rather be
Than here in your love, here in your love
Set a fire down in our souls
That we can’t contain, that we can’t control
We want more of you, God
We want more of you God
It was of course great reminder for our whole team but, thinking back on it, I see it as a note for me that this is where God has led me, in love, and this is the best place I could be. I am oh so grateful for every chance I get to know and see these girls more each day and become more unified and with the same heartbeat.
With the long days of ministry and my personal challenges with building relationships there has been some valleys in comparison to the mountains of all the good happening. The good things have been so good- seeing the smile of a kid when I say a small phrase in their language, learning about the lives of the believers living here, moments of completely belonging here, feeling the presence of the Lord so strongly when I invest in him, and so much more. It makes me realize how real life is no matter where you are. Life doesn’t get easier when you leave everything behind. The Lord has really reached out to care for me in the highs and lows of this trip so far and I know he’ll continue to show up throughout everything. (p.s. this resembles a heartbeat with the spikes going up and down but a heartbeat is also what provides life.)
Praying for this blog, I asked the Lord to glorify himself through this rather than me and he stuck the word heartbeat in my head for the theme. Writing this, he showed me his heartbeat in everything I’ve seen. His love for the people here is so evident in the specific people he’s placed in authority. Vuthi, our ministry host, has been working 11 years here to bring to this village the peace and joy he got from becoming a believer. God has been guiding him through this whole time, from him being the only christian in his village to now having past students, now fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, teaching English in the few school campuses. God has been working in each of their lives, speaking to them and showing more aspects of himself than they could have imagined. The heart of the Lord is breaking for those that don’t know him, even as he is rejoicing in the lives of his children. I love seeing how his truth is spoken to each individual and he draws out pieces of them that need a specific characteristic of himself. I hope the words I’ve been able to come up with explain well what God wants to show you. His heartbeat is what we’re trying to live out in our ministry here and everyday.
