About 5 months ago is when I could honestly say that I felt it in my spirit to devote my life to doing missions wholeheartedly. As I spoke about in my last blog, El Salvador was a completely life changing experience for me. I came home and knew deep down that I would never be satisfied, and the Kingdom would never be truly satisfied, if I were to come back to America and act like nothing had changed. I was an absolute wreck. I had a breakdown in my kitchen in front of my mom and wanted to shift my plans entirely. I wanted to hop on the next plane to anywhere with any ministry and never come back. The spirit had broken my heart and there was no turning back.
Since then, the preparation to do ministry in Thailand and the process of preparing my heart has been way more emotional and challenging than I expected. And here’s where we get really honest.
Being accepted into this trip for me came with one condition– I would have to get a mentor. I would have to sit down with someone every few months minimum leading up to the trip and confess to my struggle with lust and pornography. I remember hearing that news and being excited about the trip, but feeling really dirty. This is a side of me that only a handful of people really truly know about, and it’s been taking over my life since before I even knew what the word meant. The Lord was in that moment beginning the process of a really difficult and necessary cleansing.
I started reading (and at this moment am still reading) a book called “Captivating: Unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul”. It has wrecked me in ways I will have to figure out how to express in words. Never in my life have I had to be so vulnerable not just with my mentor, but with the Lord himself.
I’ve had to confess over and over again to lust, pride, selfishness, envy, unforgiveness. I’ve had to confess to idolizing friendships, putting my grades as a higher priority than God, worrying about things that are completely out of my control, holding on to anger and jealousy.
I think you see my point. In the midst of the healing process for one thing, there were many, many associated mindsets and nails in my heart that He had to reveal to me if I was ever going to experience healing in the COMPLETE sense.
It has created a dependence in me that I have only heard spoken about. If I don’t plant scripture truth in my mind every day, then I am going to have no strong footing to keep me from slipping back into sinful habits. If I don’t ask God to remind me who I am and what He sees in me, then I’m going to take every word and action that may not be completely kind from people as an offense. If I don’t tell God that He has complete authority over my life, than I will be crushed by the worries and weight of the world.
I’ve learned that “taking up our cross” is not just a nice thing to say, but a daily, hourly, every minute discipline.
I’ve also been reminded that his mercies are not just new every morning, but every hour and every second.
Second chances are God’s love language and gift.
This process has taken a deeper dive into his mercy than I ever knew possible.
Isaiah 1:18
