dear friends,
i am home. it really hasn’t set in yet. i still haven’t gotten used to being able to flush toilet paper, or take hot showers, or have air conditioning. simple luxuries that i thought i would appreciate a lot more. but instead, it’s been very hard. i am home but not home. it’s been a week already since we found out we were being sent back to the states due to the severity of COVID-19. i remember being woken up on sunday morning. i remember us all gathered together with concern on our faces. i remember sitting in shock before tears began rolling down my cheeks. my initial reaction was all over the place. i was shocked, sad, frustrated, confused, and heartbroken. this was it. my race was over. i was going home.
as most of you know, thailand was the reason i chose this route. after having a dream at fourteen where i was washing women’s feet in thailand, i knew i needed to go. arriving in chiang mai for the first time in the beginning of march was so exciting. “this is it, jesus,” i kept thinking. i was expectant to all that the lord was fixing to lead me through. i was hopeful and willing. it felt as if i was finally in the place i belonged. the first week, our parents were invited to participate in ministry and what a fun time it was! mel and i had the very best time doing all the touristy things as well as being able to serve at many different places that empower women. after our parents left, we were introduced to our ministries. my team absolutely fell in love with ours! we were given the incredible opportunity to serve alongside some of the coolest women on this planet. whether it was washing dishes as we laughed and danced in the kitchen of the cafe or cleaning rooms or babysitting or volunteering at runs to bring awareness for the most courageous cause, we loved every minute of it. we were given four days.
after hearing the news, our squad leader kyndal encouraged each of us to spend time with the lord. i went up to the roof of our hostel because that had quickly become my favorite place to spend time with jesus. for awhile, i just sat looking out at the city reminiscing on every moment. how could it end so quickly? jesus, i just got here, why do i suddenly have to leave again? i don’t understand jesus, this is the place i’ve been dreaming of! i felt angry at him for taking this away so suddenly. how was i going to say goodbye to my best friends? i didn’t want to go home. it’s too soon! we were supposed to have more time! how did three months turn to 24 hours in just a moment?
sadie, this isn’t about you.
all my thoughts went still.
i need you in america now.
he reminded me of a journal entry, where just the day prior, i wrote, “praying for revival in all of this fear and chaos. it’s going to be good which sounds weird to say but jesus is always good and i fully trust in his plan through all of this.” i said that when life was going my way … will i choose to believe it when life isn’t going as planned?
yes, i will. i will.
up on that roof, early on a sunday morning in chiang mai, my perspective was completely shifted. we were being sent to america because that’s where jesus needed us. in a state of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear, we are able to spread light. and hope.
nothing about going home has been easy of course. the minute we landed in los angeles, we all received emails saying that the debrief they had planned for us over the next couple days was to be cancelled due to the recent recommendation from the government that suggested no more than ten people were to be in a room at a time. this was the last moment we were all going to be together as a squad. we created a large circle and someone began praying before we all dispersed. the following days would be full of goodbyes as one-by-one, squad w separated. i remember going up to my empty hotel room, as my roommates had just left, laying in the almost “too” comfortable bed and sobbing. my first time being alone in seven months. finally, it was my turn and i headed to the airport to soon board a plane by myself.
a week later and here i am in self-quarantine. a lot to process. this has been one of the most difficult transitions in my life. but thank you jesus that you are still so good. despite the constant changes and the uncertainty and fear and hopelessness, i still choose to trust you. i trust that you only want the very best for each one of us. i trust your goodness. i trust your promises. thank you for each gift you’ve given me over the past seven months. the friendships. the experiences. the perspectives. thank you jesus that my race is not over, in fact it’s only just begun. thank you for revealing my passions. thank you for humbling me. thank you for guiding me. thank you for giving me people that encourage me. that believe in me. that will fight for me. thank you for loving me. now and forever.
in a season of discomfort, i still choose you.
with love,
sadie
