Warning: This blog post is very personal so please give me grace. I felt I needed to share this content with anyone in a similar place in life.
During our first quarantine (March-June) our leaders wanted to continue pouring into us even though we were in the middle of the unknown. We did not know if we would be allowed to return to the field internationally or even domestically. They offered one on one conversations to my whole squad. I was so confused and upset that it took me awhile before I took them up on their generous offer. On June 15th, I decided to confide in Dawnette, our female coach. I was struggling with romantic loneliness and feeling extreme shame about some mistakes I had made. I feared I might have a soul tie and did not know how to break it. I expected that she would give me the church answer and just tell me to forgive myself and that God had already forgiven me. She did that but she also gave me so much more.
Dawnette offered me a perspective change. She explained that when I became a Christian my soul was tied to God. I cannot have my soul tie to anyone or anything else. My heart and soul belong to God. She shared that when God gives me away to my husband on my wedding day He is simply sharing me. She explained that since I am a Christian I have not only given my heart and soul to God but also my body. If I give away my body before God gives me away on my wedding day then I am harming our intimacy. God wants to be my husband before and after He gives me away. God created covenant marriage. When I have sex or intimacy outside of marriage I mess up His perfect plan. I am not meant to “give myself away” outside of marriage.
Hosea 2:16 states: “And it shall be at that day, saith the Lord, that thou shalt call me Ishi; and shalt call me no more Baali.” Ishi means “my man” in regards to husband rather than Baali which means “my master.” God wants to be “my man.” He wants that intimacy. He refuses to divorce us no matter how unfaithful we may be. WOW!
Since I have repented and asked for forgiveness, God has forgiven all my sins. After our conversation, Dawnette suggested a book study with accountability partners. Followed by, a ceremony to represent rededicating my body to God. This study would teach me about my identity and why my purity is so important to God. I prayed about it and decided to ask my two female teammates, Eva and Erica to be my accountability partners. Together the 4 of us chose to read “Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart” by Kristen Clark and Bethany Beal. We were excited to begin our book study on or off the field.
Soon after we chose the book, B-Squad decided to come back together and return to the World Race domestically. We were all meeting at Dawnette’s house in Colorado for a month before traveling around the states. I got excited that we would be able to complete the book study in person! We met 1-2 times per week to go over the discussion questions and share any new revelations. These meetings became so important to me. I became excited for the opportunity to grow in Christ alongside my sisters.
I started the study honestly grossed out by the idea of God being my husband. I did not get how I was supposed to be romantic with God. Wasn’t he also my father? During the study, I realized having God as a husband just means having an intimate relationship. He is all I need to be complete. I can share any and everything with Him. He wants to know my struggles and help me through. Of course, since He is God, He knows everything without me telling Him. Intimacy is about me wanting to tell Him everything. He wants to be the first one I come to when I’m feeling sad and all alone. He wants me to cry out to Him when I feel life is unfair and I don’t know what to do.
On July 25th we had a ceremony. I read out my promise to God and Dawnette placed a beautiful purity ring on my finger. I’ll be honest with you. This is not my first purity ring but this time I understand why God wants me to stay pure. God is not the “fun police” trying to keep me down. God is “my man” who wants what is best for me. He made sex to be acceptable only through marriage. When you have sex or anything out of a covenant marriage you are marrying that person. I did not want to believe it but it is true. We do not have soul ties but we do marry in our hearts everyone we are intimate with. The only husband I want until my wedding day is God.
Dawnette, Eva, and Erica went out of their way to show me what I’m truly worth. I now know my identity in Christ. I will be forever grateful for their influence in my life!
