When I first signed up for this Gap Year Program, I thought I was surrendering everything to the Lord. Think about it, I surrendered my time, my comfort, my future. In my mind that was everything. After I spent some time in Gainesville I realized there was so much I was still holding onto. There were things in my life I thought that I needed to be in control of and didn’t want to give any of them to God. Things like my family, my friendships, my pride, and my image. This last month I have learned how to accept that I did not have control over those things, along with so many others, so I gave them over to God.
Accepting and admitting that I had no control was so freeing, and once again I was at a place where I thought I had given it all to God. (Spoiler alert… I wasn’t!) I didn’t even realize I wasn’t until God put something on my heart that I never thought He would ask me to do. God asked me to give up food, to do a fast. For some people that wouldn’t be a very big deal, but for me it was. Since I was 12 years old I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would go through phases where I would see how long I could go without eating. I would force myself to throw up. I also went in the complete opposite direction and binge ate. So when God called me to a fast I thought I heard Him wrong. I prayed and asked God how long, and I felt He was telling me 24 hours. This all felt very weird so I spent a lot more time talking to Him about this and He showed me some things. First, He revealed the reason for the time span He gave me. In the past I knew I could withhold food from myself for eighteen hours without a second thought and it made it easier because I was always alone; God asked for 24 hours (it turned into 36) because He knew I would have to rely on him. The second thing God revealed to me was that I didn’t need to go into this with anxiety because this was not coming from a place of lies I heard from the enemy, but it was something I was doing to glorify God.
The morning of the fast I got up and prayed for strength and clarity. Throughout the day I spent time with my squad like normal and spent meal time praying for and calling some of the people God had been laying on my heart. The whole day was filled with clarity and fruitful conversation; not once during the day did I feel hungry or weak, but through the strength of the Lord I was filled. Matthew 4:4 says, “Jesus answered, ‘it is written: Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” Logically I should have been hungry and my body should have been craving food, but logic doesn’t apply to God. By giving up something that I was holding onto so tightly and leaning into the God of peace and confidence, He blessed me. That day I saw God strengthen relationships in my life back home and set me free from the shame of my past.
So, what are you holding onto?
