Well, here I am, writing this sitting in Coffs Harbor, Australia sweating every once of liquid my body has. Really, it’s the kind of heat that leaves a sticky film on your skin and the humidity provides room for constant amounts of sweat dripping from your face.
However, I really can’t complain. We are staying at a wonderful church and each day ministry looks different. From going on the streets to talk with people about Jesus to traveling into retirement homes to love on the individuals inside. It’s only been 5 days out of the next 11 months and I’m feeling content.
Well, if I’m being honest it’s only been 5 days and every ounce of my being feels exhausted.
Wait, no. Vulnerability is freedom, right? I am feeling angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I got sick on the way to Australia, lost my voice two days ago, and I feel as if every emotion in the book is swirling through my brain. Imagine someone throwing up then smearing it around; that’s what my heart feels like. I want you to understand where I am coming from, so here’s the rundown:
One year ago I decided to go on this journey, I made the decision to give my life to Papa. Time inched by and as I got closer to leaving I felt as if war was approaching. I mean, picture a Game of Thrones style war scene. Every soldier is slinging armor on their backs, sharpening their swords. They being circling around the fire, releasing a war cry to frighten their enemies across the way. A tension has begun building as they wait for the sun to rise. Each soldier, one after the other, feels the increasing amount of weight on their soldiers they have the responsibility of bearing. Dawning on them slowly, tomorrow might one of their last.
Well, if you’ve seen Game of Thrones you know morning comes, one side is slaughtered, and whoever wins (usually the side you’re rooting for) has this pressure released from their shoulders. Like theirs been water building against the flood gates and finally, the gate is torn down, the flood commences, and everything settles.
This example may be a theoretical battle, but I’m quickly realizing how tangible and real the battle in front of me is. Just like Game of Thrones, we are battling against a bigger force than we realize. When we choose to put on the armor of Christ, we are declaring an alliance. Roaring with a loud declaration to the enemy we are armed and ready. I realize how powerful this statement is, I’m taking on the fullness of what God has allowed me to fight for.
Stepping into Australia was like stepping straight onto the battle ground. Papa equipped me with every weapon to win and this time I wasn’t going to back down.
I think the moment the enemy knows the power, the authority we have in Christ he quivers. Shaking in the fear others may know his name, terrified at the thought we no longer believe the lies he’s been feeding us for years. Thus, he fights harder. He feeds us lies, he convinces us we are unworthy, he tries taking what is good and changes its essence. We have the ability to continue feeding those lies, listening, and believing them. Yet, we also have the authority to rememberer what our Father says about us.
Today, I broke. From being tired, sick, and not getting enough time to be alone my whole being crumbled. Then, on top of all these things I was unable to speak due to loosing my voice. And, if you know me, I love to talk with people.
Apart of me felt as if my voice had been taken and I wasn’t able to connect with people in an intimate way.
From all of this, I didn’t realize for a couple days I was listening, I was believing the lies the enemy was feeding me. Parts of my past which Papa has healed me from, where I have seen redemption were surfacing and crushing me.
After crying for an hour and a half (trust me, it was one of those red eye, snot dripping down your nose cries) I spoke out loud what lie I was believing. The lie:
I wasn’t worthy of being loved.
I used to date men where I would give them everything I had, I would try and make myself enough for them, then they would leave me without saying a word. I had friendships where I was called selfish, where they told me I didn’t deserve love. Although these things had been redeemed by a gracious Father, I allowed the enemy to weasel his way back in. Without being fully aware, I subconsciously was thinking “If only these people saw who I really was. They will push away soon too”.
The devil doesn’t want us to believe they’re are good, consistent people. He doesn’t want us to know that when Papa puts people in our lives intentionally, that they are there for a reason. And let me tell you, Papa has been very intentional in the community surrounding me. He has put people in my life I have been praying for, so beautiful intertwining different lives, different stories.
I built up a strong voice, a strong presence. I think in a way I used my voice to make it known I had power and authority. Although I know feeling sick was another form of battle I was experiencing, I think Papa also uses hard circumstances for his glory.
Although I don’t have a voice, he told me my presence is more powerful than I give it credit.
That you don’t always need a loud voice to have a presence.
Sometimes, your authority is in the very essence of who you are, just by you existing.
After loosing my voice, I think the lies of not being heard terrified me. I know something is sweet and from God when I start getting lies like this in my head. The enemy was trying to warp my idea of community, relationships, and how Papa sees me. I am standing on a battle ground in this moment, in this moment I have the choice to cripple underneath the lies or to give a war cry back to the enemy. I have the power to roar because I have a father who’s ready to come in with his troops.
When we think about war, we tend to think we are alone. We think the battle in front of us is ours to carry. We live in a culture that teaches us asking for help makes us weak, a culture that doesn’t fully prepare us for the war in front of us. I am here to squelch those lies. When you stand in battle, you have soldiers to your left and right. Each person who stands beside you is willing to run into battle with you. They fully understand the implications this has on their lives. Jesus fully understands why he is fighting for you and the importance of your life.
This past 5 days I have seen and witnessed first-hand spiritual warfare. I have felt the depths of where the devil will go to crush the power Jesus has given you. This past three months I can feel the tangible authority Jesus has entrusted me with.
I know when I feel the heaviness of warfare there must be something good coming. I know Jesus has something powerful in store and all the devil is trying to do is stop the process.
I am here to say I am equipped. I am worthy. I have the authority to squelch the lies the enemy wants me to believe.
And dang, I know the next 11 months will be good when there’s already this much fighting.
I’m standing on the battle ground, covered in dirt, hair tangled, holding onto the voice Papa has given me. Wait, holding onto the presence Papa has given me. Holding onto the promises he has for me.
Although my voice may feel squelched, I carry the presence of an almighty Father.
