Thursday is my favorite day.
We begin with worship, and go into a lesson from our base staff. And then after, we go out into the world and practice what we learned.
Today this looked like getting baptized.
I was baptized for realzies at 16, because God asked me to do that for Him. What I didn’t realize at the time was I had a HUGE part of my heart that I hid.
I couldn’t understand how God was taking care of me while I still dealt with depression, lonliness, and the like.
I thought taking care of me meant that I wouldn’t have those issues. I wondered why He wasn’t showing up.
But I tried to ignore that I questioned Him.
I still believed that He was good, only because I’d seen it before, and knew He would come through “eventually”. But I didn’t really understand how He could be good right then, when I was hurting.
Fast forward to the present. These issues were starting to come up again. I have witnessed amazing healing and freedom just because Christ has been faithful. But with that, I’ve noticed other imperfections and problems within myself.
I would bring them to God, saying, “How am I supposed to function like this? Why can’t you fix me? You’ve done it before!” And He can. He totally can. But that’s not what this is about.
God has been teaching me to fight in our secret place together. When I’m feeling angry or upset, I usually soak in it. But He tells me, “No, My Love, this is good. Focus on me. We can sit together, or we can sing together, but focus on what’s important.” So as of this week, that’s what I’ve been doing.
Thursday morning, I went into worship with abdominal pain. My first urge was to grab medicine, but I felt the Lord gently say, “don’t.”
That was definitely not me, because I was so ready to pop them pills.
But I said, “Okay, God.” And continued to worship.
That was one of the most beautiful mornings ever. And one of the most beautiful days. I opened my hands and sang to my Abba from a point of hurt, and not from a point of, “please heal me or I’m going to numb it myself”. It was honest. It was special. It was awakening. I learned that God really is good all the time (and all the time, God is really good).
Here’s the thing: you can’t decide whether or not you’ll experience pain. You will. You always will. But you can decide whether or not you choose the Lord in your pain. You can decide to sit in suffering and let it take you over. Or you can decide to let God be Lord of ALL. You can have joy and you can have peace, too, you don’t only have to have suffering.
Gabe gave everyone an opportunity to be baptized after the lesson.
So in this lil bathtub, wearing a pair of jeans, I told God He could still have my life when I was hurting, and let self-pity die.
As did 15 other people.
Thanks, God, for Your sweet patience in letting us say “yes” more than once.
Thanks, God also for my sweet friend Emi who stepped up to baptize me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thanks God, that we’re not stuck without peace.
I love you.
Until next time,
Ky
