How the Lord lead me to this 9 month journey was miraculous and beautiful and nothing short of a Heavenly coincidence, often times when someone asks me how this adventure fell into my lap, I try to condense the months of preparation and events that God had orchestrated for me into a 3 minute explanation of how the World Race Gap Year just makes sense for my life and where my heart is right now. But no matter how many times I explain why I must leave my family and friends for nine months, not many people seem to have an understanding for the mission that is on my heart. I notice the puzzled look on peoples faces when they hear my response to their questions, their questions often are phrased like this,
“But you will return home for Christmas and other holidays, correct?”
“Wait aren’t you still in the middle of earning your Bachelors degree in Dallas?”
“So you won’t even be here when your family moves into yall’s new house?”
“But isn’t this your little sisters senior year? You will miss her graduation?”
Believe it or not, there are even comments such as,
“Aren’t you afraid all the eligible bachelors will be married by the time you decided to stop leaving the country like this?”
I want to be clear in saying, these comments are not offensive or hurtful to me in anyway, in fact, many of them, I have even thought to myself as I mentally prepare to leave. These questions come from people who care about me and my well-being. They come from people who simply want a good life for me, I appreciate their concern and their devotion to loving me and asking about my safety. As I answer their questions I can tell by their facial expressions that my answers do not always make sense to them. I know this because, often times I, myself have came to the conclusion that my choices do not seem to be very structured or make much sense. I myself have experienced guilt, confusion and frustration as I ponder all the marvelous things and people I will have to say goodbye to in three months. It is not that I am not grateful for my Christian university or the things I have learned there. It is not that I do not love my friends and family and that I am okay with not being with them for some of the most cherishible moments that will arise in 2020. Please do not think that my heart doesn’t ache when I think about not being home for Christmas or being about to attend Sara Graces graduation. I love my family more than almost anything. But I said “Almost” because I love Jesus more. I also love America, but I love Jesus more. I love Chick-Fil-A and warm bathing water, but I love Jesus more. And because of my love for Him, I am able to say “yes,” to what He asks of me.
I have grown up in a world that has taught me the exact order of what I am supposed to do so that I can have a life that is considered successful. My breaking this order by stepping away from all the things I love so dearly, has myself and many others concerned about my priorities and well-being. All my life I have been trained to obtain certain priorities and goals for myself, it wasn’t until this past year that I have made the realization that all my priorities have been wrong, out of order and self-centered. Much of what I did revolved around self-promotion and my desire to experience a HAPPY life. AfterI have spent more time growing to know the Lord and what HIS GOALS are for me, I decided that I want HIS PLAN instead of my own. The only thing is, His plan seems kinda risky, uncertain and honestly really scary. I talk to the Lord and tell Him, “God, my plan seemed to make a lot more sense and honestly, it would be more fun hahahhaha no offense God.” And He so gently nudges me to open my hand and let go of my safe and comfortable plan. He slowly walks ahead of me, holding my hand and guiding me right behind Him. I decided that I am okay with doing His crazy plan as long as He stays in front. “God you lead me because I am not going first,” I say to Him when He calls me to something that seems too great for me to handle.
I am not much of a dancer, especially country dancing, because that takes actual talent and rhythm, two things I do not have. Because of this and a few other reasons, I rarely join my friends when they go country dancing in Dallas. One night I gave in and put on my boots, but when I arrived at the place full of older men and beautiful cowgirls, I immediately regretted my decision, I felt out of place and insecure. I am not quite sure what it is at those types of events that seems to promote girls to hate one another but I swear, as soon as boys in cowboy boots are around, girls begin to sneer at one another as if the male population is endangered and they are all competing on who will get to dance with an actual guy. That vibe is not for me and made me what to run out of there with my tail between my legs, not caring if every girl got in there got to dance with a cowboy but me. I stood alone with my head down, trying not to make eye contact with a single person, boy or girl. When a boy pushed through the crowd and came straight to me, he stretched out his hand and asked if I would like to go dance with him, my fear and insecurity took over and I began to ramble on about how I don’t really know how to dance and I would feel a lot more comfortable if I could just continue to stand there and watch others instead. He assured me that he would be patient and teach me the steps, then with my hand in his, he guided me to the dance floor, walking with his head held high, he sternly but kindly pushed past all the people that had been intimidating me all night. As this took place, I grow in confidence as I noticed that this young man wasn’t ashamed to be seen with me, in fact it looked as if he wanted people to notice our arrival to the dance floor, not in a cocky way but in a confident way, like we belong there too, my whole demeanor changed as he lead me through the crowd of girls that was on either side of me. I felt myself smile and I was able to lift my head proudly because I was just simply walking in the path that this guy had made for me. I had no idea how to dance and I knew I was probably about to struggle and maybe even embarrass myself but at least his guy would be there with me.
This story accurately describes how God came to me. For a few years I have felt insecure and out of place, as if everyone knew what they were doing and I was just trying to blend into the people who were constantly competing and comparing how the were doing in life and it wasn’t until God firmly approached me and invited me to join Him on a terrifying and beautiful adventure that He would lead. All I had to do was accept and follow His lead, He knew somewhere along the way I would gain my confidence. All I had to do is put my hand in His and stay close to Him, taking my gaze off those around me and focusing on Him and His provision for me. I am still learning how to dance, I get caught up on my own emotions and trip on my own feet. I begin to worry about what others think of the choices I am making and forget why I began this journey in the first place, but then the Lord is constant in showing up once again and reminding me why I am doing what I am doing. He reminds me that I don’t have to know all the steps right now, all I need to do is follow His lead, WHEREVER that might be. When people question why I am leaving to do mission work for nine months, I do not scramble to formulate an answer that I think will impress people or even will make sense to people, I tell them that is simply where the Lord is leading me right now and that is the God honest truth. Sometimes it does not seem to make sense and sometimes it sounds crazy but, I will go with my head held high. I have learned that this life is not about my plan, break dancing is more fun and comfortable to me, but there is nothing more rewarding than two-stepping with the Lord. I trust that in India, Thailand and Costa Rica, the Lord will go before me every step I take and with my hand in His lead me right where I need to be and give me the exact words to say and things to do that will bring Him the most glory and show people around the world how to dance with their hands in His because He definitely has more than enough love to share with them as well. Ask me questions, I might not have the answers, I might not ever find the answers but I will teach you the steps that I already know, the steps that God has already revealed to me and we can play off of that, and pray for more in the future.
So now I’m spinning while my hands up, ( *Wink wink*) laughing because not knowing what you are doing is surprisingly the most secure feeling in the world. In every dip and spin, I am confident that He will catch me and will never let me go.
