Letting God love me has been the hardest challenge I’ve ever faced. Knowing that I’m loved and I mean really having the comprehension that sinks to the depth of my soul anchoring itself in this truth took me 26 years to understand and grasp and I’ve been walking with the Lord for roughly 14 years. The Lord really opened my eyes to His unrelenting love for me through being released from the race at the end of month 6. I can actually say that I’m thankful for this trial because it has tested my faith (James 1:2; 1 Peter 4:12). Trials are not a matter of if but when. Faith is tested through trials, not produced by trials. Trials reveal what faith we do have; not because God doesn’t know how much faith we have, but so that our faith will be evident to ourselves and to those around us. Only precious things are tested so thoroughly and faith is as vital to salvation as the heart is vital to the body (1 Peter 1:7). Faith is produced by hearing the Word of God (Romans 10:17) and I believe there is a big distinction because God isn’t out to destroy our faith and send trials to break us down but He allows those trials out of His goodness and yes I do believe in suffering. I believe a good God would allow suffering to come upon His children for the purpose of our sanctification which is far more imperative eternally than our temporal happiness found on this vapor of a life here. I believe when you recognize that it will enable you to believe that He is in fact good no matter what.
Accusations and false statements painted an inaccurate picture that worked against me and pulled me under like a rip current. No opportunity to defend myself was provided and no effort was expelled to seek after truth from my teammates. I was never given a forewarning and never approached personally in love. Words I’ve never said were put in my mouth and before I knew it I was quickly in the hot seat. I’m no stranger to curveballs or heartbreak and find myself under fire often. Battle is no joke and a true Christian life is spent on the frontlines. My Father has equipped me for such adversity and continues to sharpen me. In less than 24 hours after being evaluated by an outside party from AIM my fate was already sealed; I was booked a ticket home and sent a chaperone before I could even understand the gravity of this sudden ordeal. Most everyone on my squad will agree this was all bullshit. Whether this was an act by leadership to set an example for others not to challenge authority or the questionable motive of the squad leader who spoke all sorts of treacherous claims against my name or if it was out of genuine concern for my welfare none of that is for me to decipher. He will right every wrong and I stand firm on that promise. I mess up and fail people every day. In my attempt to fight for truth I get it wrong. I speak out of line, get angry and loud, want to flip tables more than seek reconciliation but I’m constantly evaluating my thoughts, words, and actions to see if they align with scripture and the day I stop doing that is the day I subject myself to pride and folly. If the things I did or said weren’t edifying to the body or if I refused to submit myself to His will then I wholeheartedly humble myself and repent in sackcloth and ashes as I have and continue to do.
If I can accept good things from God then surely I can accept what He takes away as well. Who am I not to share in suffering with Jesus? This experience has allowed me to take a good look at Jesus’s walk and see that He endured every possible affliction that one could walk through so He could relate and be in the muck with us (Isaiah 53:3). There isn’t a pain you could feel that He hasn’t already felt. This brought me immense comfort and I found myself more in love with Jesus than when I first started the race. Seeing that Jesus was betrayed by one of His very own disciples helped ease the pain when I felt betrayal from all the squad leaders. Intimate details of my testimony shared in the safety of a former team when no one had a title was used against me like ammunition. Looking the person who lied about me in the eyes when she said she loved me just rubbed salt in the wound. Yet He was there and is still sovereign. I want this to be very clear, throughout this whole thing I haven’t been angry and hold no bitterness or unforgiveness towards leadership. I don’t entertain thoughts of resentment or hate, in fact I really do love them. Yeah being quickly cut away from the squad without proper protocol sucked and the silence from the 2 squad leaders who escorted me to the airport and never spoke a word to me the entire time was eerie. But I have fixed my eyes on Jesus the whole time. From when the Holy Spirit was preparing me for this moment from the very beginning of the month when I felt grieved without knowing the details I have kept my eyes on Him. The moment I take my eyes off Him the ground beneath me quakes and I begin to drown in anger and anxiety but the second I set my focus back on Jesus the storm around me dissipates and I’m able to walk on those waters with Him.
I saw His lovingkindness throughout the whole process of going back home. On my way to the airport He gave me the grandest sunset I’ve seen on the race and I could hear Him whisper “I’m right here with you”.
My chaperone who traveled with me was super chill and we had some awesome conversations the entire time which helped take my mind off the sorrow. On my last flight, which was the hardest one and provoked me to cry for the duration of the flight, there was a little boy in front of me who continually looked back at me and just smiled. He held my hand for the full journey and lavished His mercy upon my soul as He gave me a newfound strength through this trial. The race was merely a tool He has used to teach me invaluable lessons. He has finally pried my hands open to where I can say Lord I trust you without knowing the outcome and be content with a less than desirable answer because I have full confidence He will give me the peace and strength I need to accept it. The what ifs no longer terrify me because it doesn’t matter, He is with me and proven time and time again that He is good and faithful. I no longer question if He loves me because He has so clearly shown me through squadmates as they wept with me and bared their hearts to me. Through each of them I see Him in a real and tangible way. I won’t lie, this change has been intensely painful. I went into shock and became numb when I found out the reality and fought hard to stay to no avail. My teammates clutched me as I could barely breathe in between deep sobs. It feels like I’m grieving a death and I walk around with a pit in my stomach but I also have a joy that I cannot explain how I have.
He has given me a few parting gifts in which I treasure dearly. I get to walk and heal with my brother who I haven’t seen in about 4 years. We have already spent time fishing and sharing details of our painful past.
I also get to celebrate my best friend Anna in her wedding! This girl changed her entire plans to let me be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the event. Oh and the dress had to be ordered and will arrive 3 days before the wedding to which the salesperson said was unheard of. Hey God I see you.
I have learned that He is the one who fights my battles and I only need to be still (Exodus 14:14) which most times entails very few words on my part. It was never my heart to leave the race early and I would give anything to be on the field with my brothers and sisters again but my hands are open to His will whether if this is where my race ends or if He isn’t done with this arena in my life. Keep my squad in your prayers as they continue to further His kingdom overseas. Pray they will rest in His peace and allow Him to cover them in His healing balm. If everything I put effort to fails by the world’s standards but I fill the earth with His glory and lift up His name than that’s all I’m concerned about. If all I have gained from this race was getting a glimpse of His unfailing love for me than it was all worth it. Or if this experience ministers to one person than it’s still worth it. No matter the circumstances I’m always #winning.
