This is an attempt to organize my thoughts and unpack my feelings I have towards the decision I have made to come on the World Race. The honeymoon phase ended right after training camp. The ideas I built up in my mind of what this trip was suppose to look like quickly came to an end. My preparations were all wrong. My research led me down a rabbit hole. I’ve essentially been thrown in a group of random people that I’m suppose to call family while having no idea how to function in a community. However, the hardest aspect of the race isn’t the people it’s something entirely different.
I feel absolutely worthless. I feel as though ‘vacation’ is over and it’s time for me to go back to work. I hate to put it like that but that is what it feels like. A hiatus away from the ‘real world’. Being away from home for a year to do ‘the Lord’s work’ sounds noble but what really is that? I try to justify encounters with locals as something worthwhile and meaningful in the grand scheme of things. Is someone’s salvation worth all the sacrifices? Yes of course. Yet I’m left with unsettled feelings with my efforts. Quitting all my jobs, draining my savings account, leaving relationships, putting my goals on hold, losing all my ‘gains’ I’ve spent years in the gym working for to accomplish what exactly?
I find that I will never completely understand how God thinks and I won’t see the full work of His hand in my life. I do believe He has called me here despite feeling like I’m wasting my time. I’m tempted to think my time could be better spent preparing for pursuits outside of this sphere and getting ready for a ‘real career’ while instead I’m eroding away physically, getting sick in each country, barely able to participate in ministry. Is there merit in being ‘useless’ by the world’s standards in order to be obedient to the Lord’s call?
There’s another facet of the race I can’t quite get comfortable with. Fundraising. I feel like total garbage asking for money and feel obligated to post a blog to give reason for even asking for help. I can hide it under the blanket of ‘needing prayer’, which is vital in itself, and yet I need a crutch to even broadcast my legit need. My church, Deep Creek Community, has gone radio silent when I’ve asked for aid leaving me to wonder what the heck have I gotten myself into. I emailed all the staff and elders requesting prayer for the Lord to provide for me financially and not a single person has responded or even acknowledged my existence in this. Yet the Lord continues to provide in ways I’m unable to perceive, strangers showing me the love of Christ where my church has so epically failed me.
Out here on the field He is reshaping my views of what the Body looks likes through the people He has surrounded me by. He is slowly healing those wounds created by people in the church and excavating my heart to open up a line of trust again. Is a ministry so inwardly focused deriving personal healing important and worth all the time? Apparently it is to Him. He isn’t conformed to the patterns of this world and not limited to our finite minds. My disagreements with leadership and polices from AIM all seem to fade away in His presence. The need to feel like I have to earn my fundraising is still present and yet He hasn’t asked that of me. No, I don’t have any plans to abandon the path He has set for me in this season but I also won’t apologize for how I feel and won’t hide the ‘negative’ feelings from Him anymore when He asks for all of me.
So no I don’t think the world race is for me but He isn’t moved by that and my turtle speed in fundraising doesn’t throw Him off the throne. It’s crazy to process that He thinks I’m worth the time and effort to invest in and has literally moved me across seas to accomplish His will for healing in my life. It’s incredibly humbling and frustrating at the same time. It’s not all bad, I see His beauty and Kingdom so evident in people and the places He has allowed me to come across and would say at the end of the day that Yes is it worthwhile to be obedient to His call even if you never see the fruit of it in this lifetime. Perhaps it’s for the next one to come because He isn’t limited to time and has all of eternity.
Ironically, I am $6,965 away from being fully funded which blows my mind since I never thought I’d make it this far. I will unashamedly ask you to partner with me to meet this goal set before me. Whether that’s through prayer, a one time donation or even a monthly contribution you will be blessed in whichever path you take and I’m beyond grateful for any avenue you choose.
-Saha
