I’m learning much about God that I’ve never grasped growing up. I’m encountering His nature firsthand and to be honest this has left me rather uncomfortable. This realization became evident at training camp. To give you a better understanding, my whole life I’ve been around and am accustomed to being in hostile territory. My parents are exceedingly abusive, my mentors are sarcastic and most all supervisors I’ve had were demeaning and cutting. The career field I worked towards literally demanded me to run into the direction of danger. I’ve been groomed for warfare. I’ve spent most of my life in survival mode to learn that this isn’t a normal way of life. Training camp was not at all like boot camp, in fact I would have preferred that, instead it was the antithesis of that type of training. On the first night of camp I experienced God in a way I avoided Him most my life; I came into contact with His gentleness.
It began with the ever so soft touch from our squad’s coaches in worship as they came up behind me and whispered prayers over me. Their presence wasn’t harsh or overbearing but completely tender and calm. I found this to be common among all our mentors and leaders to where it left me feeling out of place and waiting for the other shoe to drop. In most of my time spent with them I found it hard to just be still in this gentle presence. Of the fruit of the Spirit gentleness is the one I struggle with the most. Over time a thick wall has been built around my heart and I’m now seeing God chip away at it. I’ve trained myself to tune out abrasive words yelled at me and yet a few have sunk deep within me only to surface at camp. At an early age it was made known to me that I was a burden. I was told over and over that I was an inconvenience which took shape in the form of being hyper aware of my footprint in people’s lives. In one of the scenarios at camp half the team ‘lost’ their pack and gear and had to share with another teammate. I volunteered my pack and shared with Sarah who was incredibly accommodating and offered me every piece of her gear. I would have been content with sleeping on the floor but she insisted. I was hesitant and resisted, fighting her the entire night as she continued to offer me her stuff. The next day we debriefed the scenario and she mentioned how she had a tough time with the exercise because I wouldn’t let her help me. My difficulty receiving essentially robbed her of being a blessing and the joy found in giving. Our team leader shared his experience when he went through training and said he had a hard time communicating his needs and asked the group if anyone felt the same. I was the only one to raise my hand and learned more about myself in that moment. My reluctancy to accept help from others is really a reflection of my resistance towards God. I push everyone away because self sufficiency has become so ingrained that I consequently push Him away as well.
As the week proceeded I was met with another revelation that put me out of my comfort zone. As we were listening to a speaker talk about ministry my sweet teammate Victoria came over to me and showed me this photo below that she drew and began to explain that she felt God speak to her saying that I was the sheep in the middle, placed in the center of His family where I’m safe, loved and not alone. In the moment I felt like I wanted to run. That sounds awful but I’m being real. Those terms, safe and loved, are so foreign to me that I don’t really know how to drop my guard and embrace that part of His nature. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe even though I can handle myself in various situations. So to be surrounded by people who are meant to communicate the Father’s love for me through them plainly put feels weird. Trust in essence is like giving a loaded weapon to another person and trusting that they won’t use it on you. I’m sure we’ve all at some point been shot via friendly fire; gave our heart to someone we thought would hold it with fragile care to instead carelessly toss it to the wayside. On many accounts have I shared things deep and raw to have it used against me like ammunition. To be placed in a community that is safe has me a little gun shy to bare my heart once again and not be quick to defend it.
It was midway through training that I realized God is using the Race as a tool for healing. I was painting one of my teammate’s nails and as I was listening to her testimony the Holy Spirit brought to my mind incidents from my past that I’ve suppressed and refused to confront. It wasn’t some secret sin that I’ve been harboring but rather the pain I’ve buried from sin committed against me. I’ve suppressed that memory and most other feelings for such a long time that I’ve become numb to its sting and inevitably most everything else as well. Years spent submerging emotions has made me become unaware of how to process and unpack feelings therefore I just don’t feel them. God is in the business of restoration and many times throughout training He has spoken to me through people that He has put me on a path of restoration and healing. My mentor Stephanie said “He is digging a deep well in you to fill you up with His goodness”. Healing is sometimes painful but it’s all aimed to give you greater intimacy with Him.
I believe that everyone on Y squad has been placed on this journey for a reason and purpose and I believe that God wants to use this time to heal and mend things that we have yet to comprehend. It’s my prayer that we are willing to be open to His still small voice and let Him in those areas we put so much effort in concealing. Whether it’s things we’ve done or that has been done to us and the memories still linger it’s my prayer we will take courage and let them go and allow Him to fill us with His goodness in its place. I pray we will stop striving to earn His love and approval and just abide in Him and allow Him to shower us with His unrelenting love. Praying we do this as a unit as we bear one another’s burdens and chase after the Father together.
Grace and peace,
Hannah
