Something I’ve been feeling a lot recently regarding the race is my worthiness for this call. I dont understand why God would call someone like me to bring people to Him. He can literally choose any other person or any other way. I find myself scrolling through the names in the squad group chat and think, “they think they like me now, but what will they think when they really get to know me?” my mistakes are constantly mulling around in my brain and the only word I can seem to come up with is
Unworthy.
Then, I am reminded of my time in training camp for Guatemala.
The first night, I woke up in the early hours of the morning with this unshakable doubt. I laid on the cold floor and stared to the dark ceiling while I listened to the 50 other people around me peacefully sleeping. I cried a little and pondered for an hour before deciding I shouldn’t go. That I made it all up in my head and I just needed to tell them in the morning that I wasn’t cut out for it. When I woke up, I felt a little better but then promptly felt worse about the fact I even had those thoughts in the first place.
In our morning session, we learned about the application of listening prayer. It honestly freaked me out at first and I remember sitting there thinking, “how awkward is it gonna be when he tells us to pray and ask for an answer and then no one gets up.” I went to the corner with a girl who was going to Swaziland that I’d never met or seen and we both closed out eyes and prayed. “God, block out my other thoughts…give me a vision or something, that’d be kinda cool!! Hello?? God? I don’t think this is supposed to be happening. Oh wait, whats that noise? So people are moving! you mean to tell me you gave answers to everyone else!! Maybe you really were right when you woke me up this morning.”
I suddenly felt a weird pull to open my eyes. my eyes flung open at the same time the girl next to me opened hers. She looked at me, and promptly burst into tears. I looked at her expectantly as she sobbed for a second and then apologized. “This could be really really off but…God told me to tell you that it wasn’t Him who woke you up last night and you need to stop believing you shouldn’t be here. He wants me to let you know that He put you here, at training camp going to Guatemala, for a purpose and you shouldn’t leave or be embarrassed about thinking you should. You’re meant to be where you’re at.”
You’re meant to be where you’re at.
Turns out, no, I’m not worthy of this call. Im not worthy to spend 9 months telling people who Jesus is. Which is why its so freaking cool. The Lord gave me all these passions, like serving people, traveling, and photography, just so He could mix them together so intentionally and use them to bring people to Him. The point isn’t for me to be worthy. The point is for me to know and share that Jesus is worthy. So wherever I am, whether its stressing over fundraising or in the middle of Romania this time next year, I know I’m meant to be where I’m at. Not because of what I give or what I materialistically have, but because of what I’ve already been given.
P.S. please be praying for my fundraising. (and buy a t shirt eep!) I’ve been really stressed lately feeling behind schedule so I could really use all the prayers I can get!! expect prayer letters soon and a fun video explaining what I’ll be doing in each country!
