I have been wrestling with feeling as though I am worthy. I have had a hard time figuring out why I feel this way and what exactly I feel I am not worthy of.
I have figured out a small bit of it and what God is teaching me and slowly revealing to me along the way. Almost a year ago a guy was pursuing me, made me felt as though that was the plan. However I found out about a month later than I should have that he wasn’t feeling that way anymore. I had essentially been lead on and it hurt. When I think about it now, I think, “Was I not worthy of being told the truth before it was too late and I was hurt more?”
Three days before my trip I found out that a different guy I had formed a good friendship with, and he had made it clear that he wanted me and wanted to pursue me no matter if that meant before or after this trip, was lying to me. He had a girlfriend the whole time and lied to her as well. He used me for more attention or whatever the heck was going on in his head. When I found out,again I thought, “ Am I not worthy of being told the truth?” In this case, the truth that he didn’t want just be and decided to play a little game.
Something that I have been hearing from multiple areas on this trip is that God loves me and I need to seek that love and understand that love fully until I can be loved by someone else. When I am shown affection even though it makes me feels good, i first react to push it away. It’s something I need to work on and learning about God’s affection for me will prepare me for any future relationships.
Understanding Gods love will help me love someone else better. I struggle to feel God’s love because the way I receive love on this world is different then the ways we have to seek after God. God isn’t physically here with me to have a face to face conversation and he isn’t here to physically give me a hug. I can feel God’s love through others and quality time through scripture but it’s a bit different. It also does leave me feeling a bit lonely at times because I may never hear his voice.
On Monday nights our host Fabe talks to us about things on his heart to give us encouragement for the week. One thing he said that really caught my attention what that as our Father, sometimes God likes to “sit back” and watch us enjoy playing in his creation. It’s a blessing for him to watch us enjoy what he has blessed us with and made for us. I started to think okay, maybe I need to stop seeking God’s voice all the time and just enjoy where he has me right now. Enjoy what he has set before me. I listened to a song while cleaning at Camp Hope and it was during that time that I really started to piece all this together. The song was “ A Little Longer” by Bethel music.
In that song there is a line that goes “Then I hear you say “You don’t have to do a thing simply be with me and let those things go they can wait another minute”
I am not going to stop trying to figure out how I best connect with God, seeking for places to see his love, but I am simply going to listen. I don’t need to bombard God with nagging questions to see him show up. I can look through scripture to find examples of his love and faithfulness. After coming to this realization, I have peace. Yes, I still think how I have been hurt and it’s hard to still have come back to mind but I don’t feel the need to continually ask God for what I want over and over and need to submit to what he wants.
Thanks for reading a bit of my heart and for your prayers!
Love,
Emma
