Hello Everyone!!! I left for Cambodia about 18 days ago and the transition phase of this journey has been HARD — like the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. On the plane ride from South Korea to Cambodia I had the most traumatic panic attack of my life. I threw up not once, not twice, but three times into an airsickness bag as one of my squad mates rubbed my back and repeatedly told me, “You can do this.” Following that panic attack I could barely get out of bed for a few days. I could not eat anything. I would wake up at 2am and sob. All I could think inside my mind was that this mission was not something I was strong enough to endure for three months.
But, through multiple hours of encouraging phone calls with my mom, prayers of desperation, and communication with my leader, I was able to dig myself out of the hole I had fallen so deep into. Anxiety still grips me, but I am able to get out of bed in the morning, help out at english class most of the time,and I am stomaching more food everyday. Small steps are so important. I was so confused with God when I arrived in Cambodia. He had made it so clear to me that this mission was a huge part of His plan for my life, so I did not understand why He let so many barriers stand in my path. Now, I know that this is a mission He placed me on in order to shatter all of the limitations I have placed on myself throughout my life. I am learning to deal with my anxiety without my support system. I am learning to lean into God, because He is all that I have. I am learning that He is good ALL THE TIME. I am learning that even when I do not feel Him near me, He has never left my side. The amount of growth that my pain has been able to activate is unbelievable.
Right when I started to return to my full functioning self, I got strep throat. Annoying, yes. But it did not undo me like my panic attack did. And three days after the initial illness, I am healing very well. God never promised that His children would not experience pain. On the contrary, He actually insinuated that we were likely to experience more pain than the average person. But, He did promise that suffering would prove the genuineness of your faith, and that our reward in heaven for enduring trials and remaining faithful would be abundantly fruitful. I find so much assurance in that.
In the last few days, I have been hooked on 1 Peter. I love it and find so much wisdom in it. In 1 Peter chapter 1 it says, “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” WOW!!!! I am finding so much purpose in those words right now. God is good, even when we do not understand what He is doing.
For all of you at home, I would really appreciate prayers as I finish these last two weeks in Cambodia before heading to Thailand for two months. I love and miss you all so much. Be encouraged that God has a perfect plan for your life and spend some quiet time with Him. He is madly in love with you.
