A note I’d written while spending the afternoon outside in deep thought- completely forgotten about all this, found in my phone from April 25th of this year, 3:47pm.
“I’m looking out into the most luscious green grass right now, it’s 86 degrees today, which is incredibly exciting because I’ve been praying for warmth! Silly, but I’m documenting the temperature because I want to remember this moment and everything that it embodies for as long as my mind can. The trees at Texas State continue to amaze me really, the way the branches stretch out as if they’re holding hands with the others next to them, there’s strange beauty in it all. The sun is peaking through the limbs of all these enormous trees like a silhouette of some sort. A red bird has quickly flown down from the highest point of the tree, circling the trunk of it a few times, then disappearing- almost as if to say hello!! I think there is some sort of symbolism here. Call me crazy if you’d like. I’ve been sitting here on this bench for half an hour contemplating my purpose, my value and what I bring to the table in even the most obscure situations; The intentionality of my love and how people view the love I provide. Or maybe in a whole, to put simply, “who am I, what am I doing?”
Training Camp in Gainesville, Georgia was 9 days of Powerful Love. Creative Love. These four words have become my daily prayer. My song. My triumph. A reminder of what I yearn to look like. Learned more about humility and my purpose as a bondservant of Christ in a week and two days than I’ve ever retained in a church back home. In retrospect, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just the Love. Not love, but THE Love!! Here’s a few of the billions of things on my mind recently:
I’ve become completely mesmerized by Judah Smith’s sermon: Jesus Loves Barabbas. Don’t misread me, I’ve heard this sermon before. An old friend introduced it to me almost 3 years ago now. I “heard” the message as we do all sermons, but I don’t know if I listened. Maybe my listening was halfhearted. Things that didn’t make a bit of sense to me years ago are beginning to become full circle- as if every star in the sky is aligning so that I can hear the whisper of the Lord in a different tone, light, atmosphere. It’s all changing in the wildest of ways. I can say now that I must have watched this sermon at least a couple dozen times in just the past month.
A segment of this sermon that I am enamored by:
“Your greatest challenge is not your discipline, your devotion your focus, your greatest challenge is believing The Gospel. Could it be that a love so scandalous, so wide, so deep, so vast, so high, so expansive, so welcoming, so inclusive- LET ME HAVE YOUR SINS SON.”
I think– no, I know that this is what believers are afraid of. We’re afraid to say we’re unsure of God. Of his Promises and Truth, and the idea that His grace would be so sufficient that we may always hold the indescribable power of The Holy Spirit within us- to believe we *can* overcome hard things, to be confident in our decisions and to follow through with them. To believe in yourself and your goals and your dreams and aspirations, no matter how irrational or ridiculous they may sound solely because you have The King of All Kings on your side. Why are we afraid of goodness?
I think it’ll always baffle me that we choose to stand as we are and say we can put a measuring tape to Jesus’ power just because we may not have witnessed it in ourselves yet. To cap His goodness because of what my eyes cannot see.
I’ve been battling a few things recently:
Being content with the suggestion that not every being you encounter will walk away with nice things to say about you. Being the shining light on the hill doesn’t always coincide with reciprocated light on the opposite end. This has always gotten me! A real foot stuck in the door! It’s a thing humans are best at too. We pick and pick at everything. We pick petals off flowers as children and then we grow up to pick off pieces of other people until they’re anything but whole. Curiosity transitions to insecurity when we don’t like the answers we’ve been given. When we’re offended by other’s blessings and have forgotten about our own. When you’ve labeled yourself unwelcome instead of the welcomer. Almost as if what the Lord has given us, individually, uniquely, isn’t enough. Have you left that person you called ugly, or fat, or too thin, or weird, with any pieces of theirs to place back together? Do they have any petals left on the flowers in their garden? Or have you left them to whither.. Again, we ask ourselves, who am I? What am I doing? We’re consistently and constantly chasing tomorrow and the new and the exciting and the clothing we’ll dress our skin in the day after and the “I can’t say hello because I don’t know them. I’ll try again tomorrow” ’s, but tomorrow is as simplistic and tangible as a vapor. Tomorrow will never come. It’s today. How did we get off thinking we could wait for tomorrow when our God is Here and Now- an infinity kind of presence?
Humans are so peculiar. We love to change our hair, our clothes, our shoes, yet we won’t change the posture of our hearts. The things that count become ignored because the things that count are hard to change. Materialism has become a hiding place for the broken. It’s become a security blanket for the insecure.
Another segment that I have written down any place I can this past month- Bibles, hands, old books, walls, scrap papers:
“The Father knew that He would have to treat Jesus like Barabbas so that He could treat Barabbas like Jesus.”
This still rattles my entire being. A murderer on death row was released, set free, given a second chance at life so that Jesus may get the crucifixion- all in order to portray His unmeasurable love for us. No amount of measuring tapes, rulers, yard sticks, NOTHING can measure His love! I’m in awe!
I’ve found that nothing fulfills me more than loving perfect strangers. I’ve found that being uncomfortable is icky but changes the world. I’ve really found that we’re all Barabbas, but we’re walking in a light and privilege that allows us to Love like The Father. We were created as intricate, broken testaments in order to expand His Kingdom. Our brokenness makes room for unity- we have common ground. I’ve found that common ground with so many gold souls that pour out pure enthusiasm and sunlight at Training Camp. We’re all just human. We’re all just “figuring things out.”. I love that. I love the purity that honesty brings to the table. They go hand and hand.
Learning to find serenity in misconceptions and falsehoods and half truths said about myself, things, people, whatever it may be. Learning that Love and choosing to Love is so much easier when you Love Jesus and His children more than your reputation. A reputation holds no value in His Kingdom. Who are we? What are we doing?
Learning that Jesus equips us for all things: The One who created blue skies and luscious green trees and my Meemee’s red birds and breathtaking starlight and the glow of the moon and the puddles we step in when it rains puts a POWER inside of us that can REPEL the way our flesh may want to act when life goes wonkity and people hurt us and that thing didn’t happen that we really wanted to happen. We have choices and we will always have choices! Choosing to intentionally tune my little mental radio to His radio station!
Finding myself and the people I hold closest to my soul unraveling in the most intentional and magical ways. It’s still Jesus. It’ll always be Jesus. As vague and lukewarm as it all may sound, I can’t help but type those words. I think I could just hug Jesus for everything He’s done and continues to do. He is MAGIC.
PEACE IS NOT FOUND IN SOMETHING THAT IS EXTERNAL, PEACE IS FOUND IN SOMEONE WHO IS INTERNAL.
