Learning to trust the Lord wholeheartedly is not an easy task.
In July when I went to training camp for the world race they had this thing called “keys for the journey” where we can order a key necklace and put a word of our choice or we can ask them to pray about what word they think we need. I wanted one mainly because they were cute so I decided to have them pray for a word for me.
Well in the midst of my struggling to get through an 11 day training camp I got my key and the word they picked for me was “trust”. LOL
I thought to myself “I trust the Lord that’s why I’m sleeping in a tent in Georgia in the middle of July”. (If you don’t know Georgia in July is dang hot)
Little did I know what was in store for me on my race.
I haven’t really spoken about the hard things on the race but since month two I’ve been struggling with homesickness. I didn’t really want to write about this either because its not the easiest thing being vulnerable about your struggles especially on the internet. Anyways my homesickness wasn’t bad at first I could deal with it but now I’m half way through my race and I can’t stop thinking about quitting.
I’m tired. I’m tired of being away from home. I’m tired of 24/7 community. I’m tired of not seeing the fruit of my ministry. Its hard to trust the Lords plan when The Race isn’t anything I expected it to be. I thought I was going to be seeing miracles happen daily, lives being changed, and Demons be casted out. But I’m working in a school with 3 year olds where I just sit in a class and every once in a while I get to help out. And its hard to trust that I have purpose here and now.
Its hard to see my family back at home having Thanksgiving, Christmas, and missing my nieces 1st birthday. Its hard watching Stella learn to walk and talk over FaceTime being scared she might forget me while I’m gone. It was hard turning 21 on the race and not being able to celebrate how ideally everyone does because I signed a contract saying I wouldn’t drink alcohol on the field and I know that sounds dumb but its something that I’ve really fought with myself about. I haven’t lived at home in two years people haven’t told me I couldn’t do something for a while. And now I’m on this 9 month mission trip with all these rules and its HARD to submit to authority.
I didn’t think it would be this hard.
I know that God didn’t promise me it would be easy and I also know that he tells us to rejoice in our suffering because we will receive his Glory. I know that everything I’m going through right now and have been going through since month 2 is teaching me to TRUST the Father COMPLETELY which is HARD. Im learning to trust His plan and not my own. Trusting that He has my best interest in mind. I’m learning that He’s breaking me down to build me back up to be who he wants me to be. He’s emptying me to a point where I have to either give my all to him or give up. Its time I choose to give him everything. I’m surrendering all I’ve been holding onto so tightly to him. Im screaming no to the devil and giving a quiet yes to God. Its time I fall to my knees and humble myself before the Lord and let Him have His will in my life. Trusting that He in the one true KING and no matter what plans I have for myself His are much greater than I could ever imagine.
