Stuck. That’s how I would explain the four weeks of my life here in Ecuador surrounding the holiday season. As could be expected, homesickness kicked in for me for the first time on Christmas Eve and just about engulfed my emotions for the two weeks following. During this time, I tried to write a blog about it. Tried to write a blog about anything, really, but just couldn’t figure out how to translate my feelings into words that would make any sort of sense.
During this time, I found myself counting down the months. The weeks. The days. Thinking a lot about my family and all the Christmas traditions I was missing out on. Wishing I could ring in the New Year with all of my best friends. Feelings of discontentment began to consume my thought life and led me into a period of numbness. A time of completely shutting out my emotions simply because I didn’t want to deal with or acknowledge them. It was just easier. I shut my Bible. I slept in day after day because I honestly didn’t feel like spending time with the Lord. I looked toward my friends and family at home for comfort and reassurance and in that unconsciously turned from the team of girls living life here with me. I was going through the motions. Waking up each morning and letting life pass by me without actually living it. No part of me wanted to be stuck in that place, but I didn’t feel like I had a way out. In reality, all I wanted was to be home.
One of the things I love about God, however, is that He has a way of working on my heart even when that’s the last thing I want. He continues to pursue me when I’m running in the complete opposite direction. Or even when I feel like I can’t run anywhere at all. The word I chose to focus on in 2020 was “deeper.” So this month I’ve been asking the Lord to call me into deeper relationship with Him. Deeper into His love. Deeper into understanding of who He is. Into deeper waters, trusting my faith will be strengthened and refined in the midst of even the strongest waves.
This month I realized that I had to dive into His love to rise up out of the pain and heartache I had been living in. That the ways I’d been trying to fill myself were actually just emptying and draining me. So I did. I not only re-opened my Bible but also my heart. In doing this, I’ve learned quite a lot:
First, that it’s okay to allow myself to feel all the things. Happiness and sadness. Joy and nostalgia. Homesickness and pain. Excitement and expectancy. Choosing to press into instead of suppressing each of these feelings is not only healthy, but also human. I’ve discovered that I’m going to miss out on way too much of what’s in store for me in life if I continue allowing myself to go through the motions and block out the not-so-fun feelings.
Second, and arguably the more important of the two, is the difference between home and Home. I’ve learned that this place isn’t my Home. Not Ecuador. Not the United States. Not Maryland. Not even Easton. When I think of going back to the States, I am filled with so much excitement. But the Lord has revealed to me how incomparable any place here on earth is to my true Home in heaven! To eternal life with Him! 2 Peter 3:13 tells us that “According to his promise we are waiting for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells.” As a follower of Jesus, I’m promised eternal Home in a place that is a million times greater than anything I could think up or imagine. Beautiful pictures of heaven are painted all throughout Scripture: the “Father’s House” (John 14:2), a “beautiful city” (Revelation 21:9-11), “paradise” (Luke 23:43), the “promised land” (Deuteronomy 27:3), “full of light” (Revelation 22:5)… the list goes on!! How much more should my soul thirst for this place — my true HOME! A place surrounded by the body of Christ for all of eternity! So! Incredibly! Crazy!
After the Race, I’m looking forward to things like being able to drive, eating normal food, sleeping in my own room, and enjoying my friends and family. All earthly things both temporary and fleeting. Now, I can’t help but see these things as minuscule in comparison to the fullness of heaven I have to look forward to! I’ve come to the realization that my homesickness won’t be fully satisfied until my soul is truly Home.
So, yes. Homesickness is real. And I can’t wait to be reunited with my sweet family and friends in just a few short months! But I now have so much more perspective on dealing with feelings of homesickness, which SUCH a big blessing. It’s been incredibly overwhelming for me to think about just how much I miss and love my people at home and to think about just how amazing my Home will be when I get there. But until then, you can find me traveling across the globe, seeking to bring as many people with me as I can 🙂
