A struggle of my past – being known by name, but not by heart – has started to come up again. I feel as if many people know who I am, but I haven’t had the opportunity to really show my heart and be truly known by them. It leads me to a place of fearing and assuming that people assume all of these horrible and incorrect things about me and that they do not trust me or my intentions. Lots of insecurities begin to flood my mind as I enter into that space. I fear that they don’t know or see my heart. I start to reach to try and control the narrative so that I will gain the trust and approval of others. It sends me into this vicious cycle of placing all of these unspoken and likely untrue assumptions on myself and trying so desperately to prove myself to others. Then I don’t know how to do that successfully, so I freeze up and sit in these lies and insecurities. It gets really messy and ugly and makes me very anxious and suspicious of everyone. I really do not like when people assume things about me – true or untrue, I just really do not like assumptions. But what do I do? I assume their assumptions and create all of these things in my head for no good reason. Hmm. Pretty silly of me. For someone that doesn’t like assumptions I do a lot of assuming.
A few days ago I was asking the Lord how to fully release myself of this. I was hoping for some practical steps of what to do and not do. I took a break from social media and communication with people back home in hopes that it would help, and it did to an extent. But I wanted more things to do to try and fix it. This is what He said to me when I brought my mess to Him – let’s fall in love. Not exactly the 5 step plan I was looking for lol, but dang what a word that was for me. Less doing, more being. A sweet reminder that the Father’s heart is love and of the invitation to fall madly in love with Jesus more and more. He has been revealing some super sweet things to me about falling in love with Jesus and why that will help release me of my assumption cycle. When you are falling in love, nothing else really matters. The only thing that matters is the thoughts of your lover. You become captivate and motivated by that true and pure love – especially when it is the love of Jesus.
Here is a glimpse of what that has looked like for me from a journalling session I had:
I am returning to the secret place where our love began. You are still my first and my true love. Jesus, I am your bride and you are my groom. I will prepare myself for your great return and for our wedding. Show me what it looks like to honor you and prepare myself to be reunited with you. I am yours and you are mine. My sweet Jesus. My sweet first love. I will remain faithful to you all of my days, my Groom. Your love is like a love I have never known before. It is wild and safe at the same time. May the flame of my heart always be lit and burn for you, my Jesus. I want to be fully captivated by your love. I see you holding my face as I hold yours back. I am locked eyes with you. Standing unashamed in your gaze. Nothing else matters. I see it all fading away. Only you matter. The assumptions and expectations of others that I have crafted in my mind fall. Those things do not matter. They fall away and the approval I am grabbing for pails in comparison to your pure and true love. Love makes people do silly things and makes you not care about what others think. I want that with you, Jesus. I want to do silly things for you Jesus and not care about the thoughts of others. I am choosing in to your love. I want you, Jesus. I want to be captured by your love and heart for me. So – I will be silly, I will be wild, I will be fully free in your love. As you hold my face and I look into your eyes I see the flame of your love burning so brightly. It captivates me and and pulls me in. It is safe and pure. It is true. I want to stay forever gazing into your eyes, seeing and feeling your love, and fully free and safe in your hands. You are my first and true love, Jesus.
So yeah, that’s a little look into what I am learning right now and walking through. Falling in love. This is only the beginning and I am so excited to go deeper and deeper with Him. I am finding freedom in His love. His love does wild things for and to me. His love is enough. And dang, it is sweet!
xo, Cait
