The last blog I posted I believe was in the end of September on the mission trip. Yeah, it’s been awhile. Some of you may have been wondering why I haven’t updated you since then. It has already been a good month and a half since the trip ended for me. However, I think writing this is and putting it out there is better late than never. So sit back and chillax because this one will be a bit longer than the others. Sorry not sorry.
After the first adventurous and challenging month in Nicaragua, our team’s next stop for the second month would be in Jaco, Costa Rica. Our team (team 1) would be rejoining team 2 for that whole month. When first arriving, we stayed at a hotel for a three day debrief. These days were full of rest, worship, and looking back and dwelling on what we experienced and learned from during month one. At that time, looking back there was definitely a lot to learn from and many experiences that were effective during month 1. However, now, being able to dwell on and remember things more clearly that I experienced in month 1, I am able to more than triple the list of things I took from that month. I will go over some of those things as they very closely connect to month 2.
Month 2 our team joined with a ministry called Ocean’s Edge. The list of projects that Ocean’s Edge does goes on and on. Our team had the opportunity to help with a surf ministry where we assisted in teaching kids of Jaco how to surf and in sharing a bible story with them afterward. We also took part in a homeless ministry where we gave the homeless locals food in Jaco. In addition, we got to help at the local church and assisted in the pregnancy center there as well. Some of us even got to visit a brothel to try and reach out to the locals there. But one of the biggest projects we got the opportunity to be a part of was painting light poles on the main street of Jaco (yes, sounds a bit odd). If I were to describe Jaco to you, I would almost describe it as a mini version of Las Vegas. Still a very touristy and enjoyable place to be in (especially with the beach), but also, for sure a party city full of drugs and prostitution. These tall light poles run all the way down the main street of the city. To fill the city with a little more light, our team helped cover the poles with colorful paintings of God’s beautiful creations: Birds, trees, flowers, fish, lizards, etc. People would stop by and ask what we were doing and we would share with them. Some locals even would join us. Helping the community by just doing something small like this, undeniably was making a huge impact. In a city where darkness dwells and is so apparent, God’s light still managed to shine brightly. What a blessing to have been a part of.
There were so many blessings and joyful experiences during this adventure and I’m so very thankful for them all. Of course, though, there also were so many obstacles and challenges that came with it that I personally wasn’t quite expecting. Month 2 ended up turning into the hardest time of my life and the month to come after would just be more of a challenge. Yay, fantastic. It’s hard admitting and saying, but it’s a fact and I know that it’s very necessary to share. For the outcomes of the hardships were also very unexpected. At the end of month 2, the next country to go to for month 3 would be in Panama. However, things had taken a such drastic turn that I ended up going home early at the end of month 2. Never had I ever dreamed that this would happen. It seemed like a dream itself, except more like a nightmare. I’m going to try my best to explain the reasoning’s behind the decision to go home.
If you don’t already know (and I know I’m not alone in this), I’m one to dwell in my mind and thoughts all the time. I’ve practically become a pro at overthinking and over analyzing every little thing. Not only do I focus on other people and their actions and words towards me, but I also over analyze everything I say and do as well. This has always been a huge challenge and weakness of mine. From the very beginning of the trip, this was my mind set: I always wondered if people liked me, if I said the right things, if others thought I was spiritually strong, etc.. I knew this was a weakness of mine before the trip so I did try to make myself aware of these thoughts and get them out of my head. I knew there would be obstacles and challenges on the trip, but I think I underestimated them. Spiritually, I did not have my guard up from the start (which is very important). Soon, that constant worrying and analyzing turned into fear and doubt. I knew God’s truths and reminded myself of them daily. Members of my team also helped remind me of truths. I tried to take captive my thoughts and give them to the Lord. I reminded myself that I was there for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. That I wasn’t there to gain a pedestal. That fitting in and being seen the way I wanted to didn’t matter. Yet, I still managed to let those bad thoughts and fears take a firm grip on me.
I was given a book about a month ago called “Hinds’ Feet in High Places.” This book is “an allegory dramatizing the journey each of us must take before we can live in ‘high places.'” The story follows a girl named Much- Afraid and her journey following The Shepherd to get to the High Places. I found that the obstacles and challenges Much-Afraid faces in the book very closely compare to the challenges I was currently facing. On Much-Afraid’s journey, up the mountain to the High Places, she runs into a guy named Pride who tries to make her turn back by making her think she didn’t need The Shepherd and need to get to the High Places. That she could depend on herself. I think I definitely also had a run in with pride. I know I did. I knew I was on the trip for the glory of God, but deep down I had a niche for wanting to be glorified as well. I didn’t want to be seen as weak and didn’t want my rep ruined. But boy did God end up humbling me. LOL.
In the middle of the trip, it was apparent that Satan had attacked and started to get a good hold on me. I started to define myself by those bad thoughts. I would beat myself up and put myself down constantly. I felt like a complete failure for so many reasons already. That I had failed not only God, but everyone else. By the time our team got to Costa Rica, I lost myself. I felt I had lost my personality and worst of all, my spirituality. That I had forgotten all I experienced and learned. That I had changed for the worse. I couldn’t feel his love or joy anymore. I became doubtful and questioned him constantly. I felt I had to start from the very beginning and I had no idea how that would work. Much Afraid came across an obstacle quite similar. One of the last obstacles she came across was the Valley of the Loss. The valley went almost all the way back down to the beginning. The Shepherd was asking her to go back down in this valley after all she had overcome and climbed, as if everything in the past she experienced was for nothing.
That fear and confusion sometimes would turn into bitterness and even anger. Deep down, I knew God still loved me and was still with me, but I didn’t understand why this was happening. How could something so exciting and good turn into something that felt so terrible and bad? One day I ended up basically laying in my bed at the ministry all day, crying, confused, and angry. Why had I changed? What was happening? Even through prayer, encouragement, and love from others, I felt so alone and that absolutely no one understood. This was a torturous feeling unlike anything I’ve experienced before. I questioned my purpose and the point of even living anymore. What good could come of all this? Much- Afraid, at the beginning of her journey, The Shepherd gave her two companions. Their names were Sorrow and Suffering. Much- Afraid questioned why in the world would The Shepherd would give her these two? How would they help? What good would they bring? She became afraid and almost angry at The Shepherd.
I realized that at this point of the trip, it was clear that I needed to go home. I really disliked the thought though because I felt I already failed, and if I went home, I felt I would be even more of a failure. That I failed not only God, but my team, friends, family, and all my other supporters. I thought staying on the trip was God’s plan for me and that maybe I would do more later on. I really didn’t want to accept this change of plan. Much Afraid comes across another obstacle early on where she was led to a dry and desolate dessert, which was the exact opposite way of the mountains and the High Places- where she wanted to go. She didn’t want this change and didn’t understand what the point was.
Hang in there, almost done.
After getting home, although things were still hard and still are, it was apparent that I had made the right decision. When Much- Afraid went into the Valley of the Loss with The Shepherd, instead of sorrow and that feeling of loss, she instead found rest and peace at the bottom. When she entered into the dry and desolate dessert, she ended up learning many great lessons like accepting with joy, and that sometimes plans are delayed so that He could teach, reshape, and refine us. She was reminded that He would always be with her. And her companions, Sorrow and Suffering ended up having their names changed to Peace and Joy. They were great helpers to Much- Afraid and they ended up becoming great friends with out fear of one another. As I look back, during that time of pain and suffering, God had been with me the whole time, reminding me of his truths and promises. One story he made obvious for me to pay attention to was the story of Lazarus. If Jesus had raised a cold dead man who had been in a grave for four days back to life, surely he could help bring me out of this deep dark hole I was in. Another truth I was reminded of was, though I felt everything about me had changed, as well as my surroundings, that God never ever would change. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” (HEB 13:8). There are countless promises he’s made to me and that he’s reminded me of even more on the trip and after.
Once Much Afraid reached the High Places, her name was changed to Grace and Glory. Her fear was gone and the Shepherd gave her hinds’ feet and true Love had finally filled her heart. She had learned to love with out expecting any love in return. To love for the glory of only God and not herself. She then went back down to try and help others reach the High Places like she has. God knew I would go on the trip and come home early. He knew I would experience pain and hardship. He knew and he had a purpose and plan for it. Maybe he changed my plans because He wanted to teach me and refine me into who He was willing me to become. In fact, I know that’s part of why. I have never been more aware of him and what He’s doing than ever before in my life. If this hard stuff didn’t happen, I would not have learned the lessons He wanted me to learn. I know the healing process will take time, but He is helping me. I am still so unrighteous and weak, but thank God that we have a gracious Father that was willing to give his life for us so that we may be with him forever. That loves us so much that he wants to reshape us and teach us so that we may know him and be more like him, to do and Love others for His glory.
“The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me walk upon mine high places.” -Habakkuk 3:19
“I am the good Shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me.” -John 10:14
“This delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God..” -John 11:4
“I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee” -Hebrews 13:6
“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.” -Isaiah 55:8
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” -Psalm 91:4
“Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23
Thank you all for reading. Many blessings and Merry Christmas!
