I am still having trouble believing that my SIXTH month on the World Race is already underway! Time is such a strange concept on the Race. There are times when it feels like the past six months have flown by. Other times, I feel as if I have been away from home forever. As I look back at all that has happened since October 3rd, I am blown away by the ways God has revealed Himself. I have experienced His presence in ways I never thought possible in my own life. I have also witnessed Him show up on countless occasions in the lives of the people around me. However, I’m not going to sugarcoat the struggles within my experience. At this point, the newness and excitement of daily life as a missionary seems like a far-off memory, but it is also difficult to imagine this season coming to a close. I miss the familiarity of home regularly. I miss my family and friends. I often daydream about my future and what it will be like to be back at home with a “normal” routine. Feelings of guilt then follow because wishing away my time on the Race is the last thing I want to do. I know that being home will also come with it’s fair share of struggles: reverse culture shock, loss of my amazing Z squad community, lack of direction in my next steps for the future, just to name a few examples. I am aware that I will probably miss the World Race just as much, if not more, than I miss home now. With that being said, I am also acknowledging the reality of my current situation. I often have to remind myself why I said “yes” in the first place. Originally, I knew the decision would be costly, but sometimes it is difficult to consider the cost of something until it is actually being lived out. The reward far outweighs the cost, but there is still a cost that is worth acknowledging. As someone at training camp taught me, “Jesus you get for nothing, but following Christ will cost you everything.”
The overall purpose of this blog is to share the major lessons God has been teaching me throughout this ongoing process. As I arrived in Côte d’Ivoire (our last month in Africa!!!), I asked God about His vision for me this month. I knew God was telling me that full and complete dependence on Him was just on the other side of my brokenness. If I acknowledge my feelings/emotions, but refrain from allowing them to control me, I am able to come to a place of complete surrender. The Lord has been challenging me to take a deeper and more honest look into what I am truly depending on when things get tough. Is it myself, the people I care about, my feelings, my circumstances? None of these can withstand the weight of my dependence. If I push past this current state of brokenness, however, I can reach full and complete dependence on the Lord. He is the only one who can withstand this type of pressure. God is never shifting or shaking. He actually wants me to lean back into His arms to rest and depend on Him when things around me feel unstable and uncertain.
With all of that being said, I want to share a prayer that I feel like God placed on my heart during my quiet time this morning. If I’m being honest, this feels uncomfortable and different from what I would normally share publicly. I hope it serves as a reminder and an encouragement that God sees you in whatever your current circumstance is, and He loves you anyway!
“This morning, I am reminded of the nature of your love, my God. You desire abundance and restoration and healing in every area of my life BECAUSE you love me, not IN ORDER TO love me. Your love is proud to be seen with me, as I am. You love fully and completely RIGHT NOW, in my brokenness. Do you want more for me? Of course. But you aren’t merely standing far off, waiting until I “arrive.” As if perfection were some destination to be reached. No, rather, you are taking me by the hand and leading me step by step. Walking with me through the ebbs and flows of life. Holding on a little tighter in the rough waters. You’re not only in the glory, but you meet me here on the ground. Before I even had time to realize it, I have been refined to look more like Christ IN THE JOURNEY, simply by being in Your presence.”
Thanks so much for reading!! Stay tuned for another blog later in the month with an update on the amazing ministry we are a part of and the revival we are experiencing in Côte d’Ivoire!
