A week and a half ago my squad packed up all of our stuff and rolled out of the hostel. I am not kidding, we literally fell down the stairs and tumbles. Anyways, we shoved our sweaty selves into song thaews and drove a whole seven minutes away. We unpacked at a comfortable resort and debrief officially began! I had a private room, a big bed, and AIR CONDITIONING! I was so pumped for the coming week. Debrief is a time to take a break from ministry, process, and be spiritually replenished. I spent the first day adventuring with my amazing teammates (check out my last blog) and filling my cup with good company and beautiful landscapes. The next day we had breakfast and went to our first session. The topic was grief. It was pretty heavy and I was challenged to identify the situations that have left me hurt and the people associated. Our coach, Rozy, explained the importance of grieving and addressing emotions. Rather than suppressing negative feelings like a beach ball under water, it is much better to feel things and work through them so that they don’t resurface somewhere else. I am realizing that there are things that I have compartmentalized and hidden that are weighing me down. Some happened so long ago that I had forgotten the pain they caused and was unaware of the lasting effects on my mind and soul. God revealed these things to me and I have begun the grieving process. This process is so necessary to growth and deeper faith. I am learning to trust and rely on the Lord during the low moments where people disappoint and life feels unbearable.
After this realization, I won’t lie, debrief was rough. Digging up old hurts and acknowledging all you have to grieve is draining. Trusting God with your circumstance is difficult. Forgiving those who have betrayed you is difficult. Simply put, feelings kind of suck. The silver lining in surfacing past hurts is that they can be felt and dealt with. Feeling pain is not wrong or weak. It is the truest step to freedom and a deeper understanding of God’s will for your life. I experienced so much release after this realization. I have more room for love and less room for bitterness. The chains of resentment and agony are starting to break and it feels like peace and freedom and spiritual readiness.
One night during debrief the squad had worship as a group, like usual. I went through the motions and sang, not feeling any connection to God. I began praying to God, asking to feel his presence and affirming that he is worthy of praise no matter my emotional state. Even when I don’t feel God, I know God and I know his character. In this, I can know that no matter what he deserves glory and my worship. As I spoke these words, my hands began to move and my mind was not fully aware of what was going on around me. My hands grew faster and started to sign words of worship to God! I DON’T EVEN KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE! I had no idea how I could understand my movements and my hands kept praising. I started to bawl, know that God heard my prayer and I was in the center of his presence. The song ended and my hands stopped moving but I could not believe what had just happened. I blamed it on herd mentality and a spiritual high, but I shared with the squad and another squad mate came up to me and said the same thing had happened to her. This affirmed my experience and I cannot explain the joy I felt knowing that my God truly does preform miracles and he uses people like me.
The next day, our squad had another session. This time, it was an intercession for the release of shame or any spiritual block. The session started as personal prayer and progressed to squadmates praying for each other. In this beautiful moment, I saw teammates surrender anxiety and guilt and feelings of worthlessness. I loved what I saw and I believed that God was working on people’s hearts but mine had to be untouchable. Right toward the end of the session, my amazing team leader, Katie, came up to me and prayed with me. She shared with me God’s vision of me and told me that I am a daughter and God is my father and he is proud of me and he loves me and he calls me beautiful and will never see me any other way. This is how God sees me and I can finally see myself this way. Obviously this wrecked me and I walk in a new confidence and greater love. I am living out my life as a child of God and I can know that no matter what I do or say or think, I am fully known and loved deeply and passionately by my Heavenly Father.
Like all things, debrief had to come to an end. I said goodbye to the air conditioning unit and the luxurious pool before making the trek a few minutes back to our hostel.
Obviously, debrief was wild. I experienced renewal like never before. I am lighter and wiser and so much more confident in faith.
A good massage is meant to be relaxing, but you walk in and they lay you down in the dark and start kneading the knots out of your muscles. It can be uncomfortable, sometimes painful, but the end result is always so much better. That is how this week was for me. It didn’t feel very relaxing in the moment, but afterwards I felt so rejuvenated and ready to serve. In my last written blog about a month on the field, I shared my struggle with deflecting negative emotions and a desire for breakthrough. Debrief was most definitely the breakthrough that I had been praying for. I saw tangibly for who he is and listened when he told me who I am. I thought I would share this week with you to let you in on the turnover of my heart and hopefully share something relatable about my initial feelings so that you can know that grief is valid and inspires growth and that God also sees you as most precious and you can rest in his ever-flowing love. Also, if you are still reading, thank you for tuning in and have a wonderful day:)
