Going into Cambodia I had high hopes. Just the sound of that, “Cambodia”, I knew it was going to be good. I had a feeling that this would be the best month yet. For a lot on my squad-mates that was the case, for me… not so much.
This month, I experienced spiritual attacks from every angle. My identity, my passions, my strengths, my leadership skills, my reason for being on the Race were all attacked. Every aspect of the term “burnt out” was in effect. I was just ready to be done. I was ready to go home and accept that all I had learned and experienced was all I needed…but, I am not one to quit so here I am month 7 on the Race.
Why was I experiencing this? I’m adaptable to change, I’m used to being away from home and loved ones, I love other cultures and adventures, I’ve loved the direction my faith has taken and all God has taught me this far. Why had I had enough?
This month was an ‘Ask the Lord’ month. I was pumped! I was excited to see how God was going to use me. I was excited to see what I could do this month. That was my greatest mistake.
What change can I make, myself? What can I do in Cambodia that will lead to a pat on the head followed by a “good job, you’re awesome!”? Instead of looking at it as what is God going to do through me? Yes, I woke up every morning “asking the Lord” for what he had in store for me that day, but my heart posture wasn’t right.
I realized halfway through that, this month, as selfish as it sounds the Lord wanted me to work on my own crap. He wanted to humble me. To help me see my error.
So no… I didn’t find this super cool ministry. No, I didn’t do something extraordinary that I could post on social media. I didn’t change someone’s life completely by leading them to God.
Instead, this month I was on a battle field. On one side was God and on the other was the enemy. I had a choice to make this month. Was I going to allow lies contradicting who God says I am consume me, attack me? Or was I going to walk in the freedom Christ offered me on a gold platter when he gave his life for me on that cross? Oh FREEDOM, for sure…. easier said than done for an over-analytical mind such as mine.
This month I read a book called Fervent. Its all about prayer (and a must read for sure). This book reminded me who was behind all the distraction, all the confusion, all the lies. It isn’t God, it isn’t friends and family, it isn’t me, but the enemy hiding behind a curtain trying to reek as much havoc as possible. But we have been equipped with a spiritual weapon to combat all the attempts of the enemy, prayer. So if I want to walk in this freedom, I need to pick up my weapon and fight the enemy along side God.
This month felt like a year (being a bit dramatic). But I wouldn’t change a thing. I learned that God’s timing is perfect timing. I learned that “ministry” (should be called life) is as simple as loving people. I learned that prayer has so much power. I learned that God can take a really crappy month and turn it into a month full of handy dandy lessons for His glory and for my good. Lastly, I learned that in order to walk in this freedom I can’t lean on my own strength. I can’t fight the enemy on my own. And the cool thing is that I don’t have to!!!!!!
Yes, I had had enough!… but then I decided to drop the chains and walk in freedom 🙂
P.S. I am safely in Laos (month 7! Still going strong!).
Thank you for all your prayers and support! 🙂
ITR
