This is a long-overdue blog post, honestly, any post would be long overdue because it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything on here. And in the spirit of honesty, I have not had the emotional capacity to produce any kind of creative content. Not because I’m falling apart, or want to call the race quits or because I hate Asia, but solely because I was in a form mourning.
I have been living in Cambodia for about a month now. Which means I left Costa Rica about a month ago. I have spent a lot of time sitting with the Lord and unpacking Costa Rica. There’s always a fear that you will do something with the expectations of it changing your life, and nothing happens. You come out the same as when you went in and the whole thing appears to be a waste, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t fear that going into the World Race. I remember specifically writing in my journal
“I DON’T WANT TO BE THE SAME“
It was a messy side note in a series of random thoughts I composed in the middle of a teaching during month two. But nothing else from that teaching as stuck the same way that those seven words have.
Three months sounds like so long until it’s not. You think that it’s going to last forever and that there is nothing in the foreseeable future. Costa Rica felt like forever. It felt at home for me, I felt at peace, I felt strangely in my comfort zone. It took all of the twenty-seconds for me to be settled into my bunk, to feel completely content with where I was. I had all the leadership in the world pouring into me, I had my base staff to lean into, I had my best friends, I had “honeymoon phase” written across my forehead. But these feelings didn’t last for only the first week, they lasted until the second I landed in Cambodia.
I have been sitting at the table with the Lord processing through Costa Rica. He did so much work in three months, that I still cannot wrap my head around it. I went through so much hurt, so much joy, so many struggles and so many mountain top moments within my time there. Now I am finally getting to the point in which I can look back at those moments and appreciate them rather than mourn over them.
My ministry in Costa consisted of children, children, and more children. We spent every day with kids, teaching them all kinds of random things, playing with them and loving on them. They did the same thing for us, the kids I met in Costa Rica taught me just as much if not more then what I taught them. They taught me how to not care about what people think, they taught me to have fun, and to love people. They taught me boldness, courage and blind trust. These kids stole a huge piece of my heart and changed a huge part of my mindset. They transformed me into someone who loves harder, regardless of the future, fears or consequences. They treated us like they knew us their whole lives, and like we would be around forever. They didn’t worry about the hurt that would come when we left, or that we would let them down because that didn’t matter to them. What mattered was that we showed up, that we always said yes to games of tag, or to picking them up and hugging them. They wanted people who would be there to play with them and have fun, that would bring comfort, and I was able to be that person for them for three months. There were people before me that loved them just as much as I did, and there will be people after me, but it was a blessing that the Lord allowed me to be one of those people. He allowed those children to change my heart.
I went into Costa Rica with pain. I went in with heartbreak, and insecurities, and fear. I didn’t realize that I was walking around trying to put broken shackles back on. I could not see the huge brick wall built around my heart, and that I already had been given a hammer to knock it down. The Lord radically changed my perspective of relationships during those three months. He showed me my past heartbreak, and He helped me learn how to give that up to Him. He walked me through the beginning of healing from the death of my father. He taught me the importance of vulnerability. He showed me what sisterhood looked like, what deep relationships could look like. He showed me how to let Him into my life, and how to let other people love me. He showed me His abundant love for me, and He took so many of my burdens off my shoulders. He walked with me hand in hand, and when I fell He picked me up and carried me.
I arrived in Costa Rica with a family. He blessed me with leadership that loved me. He gave me a team leader that was a fierce protector, He gave me base staff that wanted to be my friend, that wanted to love me. He gave me squad leaders and a mentor that cared so deeply for me that they pushed me to do better. He gave me strangers and turned them into blood relatives. He walked me through how to let people into my hurt, and how to accept help. He gave me a family when I didn’t ask for it. My squad transformed into people I love so deeply, and the base became my home. It became a safe haven for me.
Costa Rica was a dream, I could actively feel the Lord pressing His thumb down on my every single day, the good and the bad ones. I learned more about myself than I even thought I could. My soul was shifted, my heart was changed and my roots were torn up so that the Lord had room for a new garden.
Now I have to learn how to continue to grow that garden in places that aren’t easy, in places out of my comfort zone. In places where I don’t have leaders always pouring into me, and easy to love ministry. I have to continue allowing the Lord to take care of my heart even when I don’t want to. I have to learn how to rely on Him and only Him. Without Costa Rica my heart would be cold, my insecurities would be growing and my anger would be controlling my every move.
I was able to spend three months in what felt like heaven so that I could take this feeling with me wherever I went. So I could walk out the rest of my life knowing in my soul that I am not the same. I cannot express my gratitude and praise in words, but I can say;
Thank you, Costa Rica, and I will see you again one day.
