Feb. 8 8:25 am
BINGE THINKING
How I’m feeling in this exact moment.
I’m mad. I’m pissed. I’m hurt. I feel betrayed. I’m scared. I’m annoyed. I’m not okay. I’m emotional. I’m stressed out. I’m worried. I’m wondering. I’m alone. I’m searching. I’m in need.
WHO MY God is .
You are great. You are good. Mighty. Strong. You overcame. You defeated death. My savior. My king. My comforter. You died for me. You forgive me. You cover me in grace. Your love defends me. You fill my cup up. You are peace. Almighty. You go before me. You never leave me. You chase me down. You chose me. You love me. You open your arms up to me. You are truth. You are my strength. You are light. My safe place. My friend. My father. You conquer all. You are so much more than what I’m feeling. You redeem me. You are my God.
You may be wondering why I was feeling all of those things. I’ll be honest ministry isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. It’s mentally and emotionally challenging. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love it but in the process I’m also figuring out what God is calling me to do. Who He is and what He wants for my life. And right now….let’s just say I’m having a hard time completely just letting go. We just finished our team devotional and I have been in my head a lot about who God says I am and what plans He has. I went to bed feeling all of those emotions at the top and I woke up feeling them too. As hard as it is I believe In fighting out the negative thoughts. I am a mental processor, I will go over a situation a million times before I put it to rest. And in result mostly come negative thoughts. Before I would do everything I could to not feel them, not even think them. I would push them out as soon as they started to enter my mind. But now I’m learning to let those thoughts in so I have to rely on God to take them out. It sounds crazy I know but if I never allow them into my mind they will affect me for weeks until I “binge think” them and it will be total chaos. So I’ve decided to think about those negative thoughts and instead of believing the lies and allowing them to take over my day, I trust that My God will take them out of my mind. That My God will guard my mind and my heart. This past week for me has been about just trusting who He says he is. Trusting that what He says he will do is what He is going to do. So as I was feeling upset and hurt and confused this morning I understand why I was, but instead of letting my own mind try to defeat them I turn to my God, who says I am loved. Who says I am a child of His. Who says He will never leave nor forsake me. Who goes before me and who says He has a plan for me. As I go into this next week I pray that He will give me opportunities to rely and trust completely in him. To open my heart and to not clinch so hard onto the things I want but grab what ever He wants for me. I’m so excited to be here and just see how God is going to use me and my team in this beautiful country.
I’ve learned that I have to walk through the darkness to let go of my demons. But that doesn’t mean I have to go alone. I have my brothers and sisters in Christ but more importantly I have my God. It’s not always easy trusting in him, but it’s much harder doing it by yourself.
