Confidence

Similar to one of my last post which addressed my struggles with overcoming fear, this post is about the spiritual growth I have been having facing doubts and uncertainties and the confidence I have been given from the Lord. This one is not addressing any specific questions people asked but I thought it was something I should share about. As I prepare for my mission trip, I had my eyes opened that not only am I afraid, but I also felt unworthy of being called to serve. This past semester I worked to disciple a group of friends though I myself became spiritually drained. They would ask me challenging apologetics that I truthfully struggled to answer for myself. Even though some of these questions they asked sparked uncertainty in my own mind, I did not reach out to others as I should have. I let these uncertainties cultivate instead of allowing myself to flourish through these doubts and come out stronger in my relationship with God. I felt as though I had to maintain a strong front not to appear as though I was struggling spiritually in order to help others which only led me to begin to question my value and worth. Having these doubts, I felt unworthy of going being called to minister to others overseas and did not see how God could use someone like me. I began picking apart my imperfections, I was unable to believe I was unforgivable in my father’s eyes, but I did convince myself I was unworthy of his grace and love. The thing is no one truly is worthy of His love yet, God still chooses to give them to us which is why He beyond gracious. I realized, God has higher plans than I could ever understand. When my confidence was faltering in the Lord, He went before me and prepared the way. He provided with a community like no other, that is helping me manifest my doubts and grow within them. There is a quote that has recently been convicting me and it is from the movie Evan Almighty of all movies that states, “If [one] prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does He give him the opportunity to be courageous.” A few months ago, I prayed that God would reveal His plans for me I would go wherever He called me even to the ends of the earth, all I asked was that He would give me the strength to do so. In this trying time, I know God has given me the opportunity to be strengthened. As always, God answered my prayers leading me down a route I wasn’t expecting and facing hardships I was not planning on. But through it all, I am determined to keep Him as the center of my life. Facing the feeling of being undeserving of this opportunity is a harsh reality but I have found confidence in the Lord. I am not criticizing the fact I have been having doubts, everyone has them. What I am doing is encouraging you that if you have any doubts to let them out into the light, for God will meet you where you are. The doubts I was facing were not of God, but God is what would bring me out of these doubts. He will meet you in your struggles, brokenness or despair, He does not meet you where you pretend to be but rather helps you where you truly are. I can tell you Christ is meeting me where I am, He has opened my eyes and allowed me to see areas of growth I can work on. Those feelings of unworthiness I talked about, they are not who I am, for I am who God says I am and that is a daughter of the Lord most high. I am a child of God, a God who calls me redeemed, righteous, chosen and most importantly beloved. It is important to remember, we are not called to have a blind faith but a true relationship with God, meaning you are going to have doubts but what you do with those doubts is up to you. Will you let your uncertainties grow and hurt your relationship with God or are you willing to bring them out into the light and flourish? In today’s society, we make negative presumptions of doubt, but doubt is not the opposite of faith. Doubting is NOT the opposite of faith, true faith in God is shown when you are doubting yet choosing to keep moving forward and pursuing a relationship with God. As Christine Caine once beautiful stated, “God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.” Though I may feel as though I am not enough, I have no doubt in my mind God will equip me. All the struggles I am facing with self-worth I know can only be filled by the one who created me. One of the individuals I was disciplining this last semester left me feeling as though he taught me more than I taught him. I had an intentional conversation with this friend and even though he was agnostic I confided in him some of the spiritual warfare I was going through. He left me with this advice, “Kullen, I do not understand the God you talk about as much as you do but I am trying to. But, the one thing I know is that you believe your God has an endless amount of grace and unconditional love for everyone. If that were true do you really think anything any person could ever say would be enough to every truly captivate His glory? No! that’s what I thought, but according to you, God uses the most unlikely people in the most miraculous ways. You might feel undeserving, but if you believe this is where your God is calling you than according to you, He will use you in miraculous ways.” As I have been scripture diving, I hold the story of the woman at the well in John 4:4-26 close to my heart. This woman was seen within her community as a sinner, far beyond being forgiven. She went in the heat of the day in order to avoid everyone in hopes of fetching water. Jesus went out in the heat of the day as well to meet this Samaritan woman where she was. Where this woman was it was not beautiful, she was lost in the ways of her sin yet, Christ met her still. He used her in a miraculous way, the same woman who tried her best to avoid others was the same woman who ran through the streets proclaiming she had met the Savior Jesus Christ. For God placed within her a renewed spirit, a spirit not of timidity but rather a spirit of boldness. This woman no longer conformed to the ways of the world, doubting no one would listen to her because of her wrongdoings, but rather proclaimed her faith with sheer boldness and in doing so others came to believe. So over the next couple of months I am asking for you to keep me in your prayers: prayers as I grow in confidence midst the doubts I have been facing, prayers that I do not conform to living a life of mediocracy or the ways of the world, and prayers that I become more like the woman at the well, living in complete confidence and boldness when proclaiming the glory of God.