I know that my blog posts are usually positive and end with a resolution but I do not think that it is fair to tell you that life is always that way. These past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life – not because of physical circumstances but rather the condition of my heart. It feels like I am in a war with God and I am constantly fighting against Him because I won’t give up control over my life. However, there is a key word in that sentence and it is the word, “feels”. I am not actually in a war with God, in fact it is quite the opposite. The truth is, God is fighting and working alongside of me against all of the things that pull me away from His heart. This truth is so sweet when your heart is in the right posture but it can be so discouraging when you are not, let me explain. These past few weeks have left me with what seems like no community and it has made me so lonely. Naturally, my heart is still yearning for the Lord yet I have no motivation, no energy to hear from Him, why is that? I recently went through a season where God’s voice spoke to me everywhere I went and I obeyed His voice and somehow I ended up in a cold, dark, and lonely place that I have been trying to figure out how to get out of. It has been such a dry season and normally, I can get through a dry season because I have people constantly encouraging me and telling me that even though God FEELS far away, He is closer than my breath. Without the constant prayers over my life from my community, there is an opening that lets Satan grab a foothold and run with it. I do not have people spurring me on in my faith, not because they just don’t want to but because I have not been vulnerable enough to share that I am not in a healthy heart space. Before I became a Christian, Satan’s job was to try to bring me down with him and to have my eternal life be in Hell. That all changed as soon as I became a Christian because I was marked with a seal that told the enemy that I am a child of God and that he cannot touch my eternal standing. Satan’s job then became to try to pull me as far from God as he possibly can and right now, it feels like he is doing his job well. Satan makes us tired and tries to pull us away from our community to make us lonely. In that loneliness, he tells us that we are not wanted and not loved and that no one truly cares because if they did, they would be asking how your heart was. The enemy tells me that my community will shame me because I do not feel like being in the word daily. You guys, I have believed for these lies way more often than I would like to admit but I am so tired of the enemy and his schemes. When I say community, I do not mean just surrounding yourself with people but rather genuinely engaging with and speaking into other’s lives and allowing them to do the same with you. Without that, I begin to forget my worth. The only thing that I can say is that when I FEEL like my world is crashing down around me (and even if it is), God is always good. Even when my situation is awful, God is still good. When my breath and lungs want to give up on singing the praise of the Lord, I will sing louder. When I cannot find the words to say, I will praise Him. When I do not feel like God is good, I will praise Him because I know He is. This is all easy to say as I am sitting here reflecting on what God has been telling me but the real test comes tonight and tomorrow. The real test begins when the enemy is fighting his hardest to find another foothold. Life is not easy and if it were, I have a feeling that there would be a lot less heartbreak in this world. If you are struggling with something, whether it’s loneliness, or lack of motivation, or literally anything else, just know that it’s okay. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to be heartbroken. It’s okay to not know what to do because we have a God that hears, comforts, and guides us. So yeah, I feel stuck in a rut but again, it is just a feeling and I do not worship a God of feelings, but rather truth.
Thank you guys for reading! If you have any questions or if you are struggling or just want to talk, please feel free to reach out. I do not promise to have all the answers, but thankfully, we serve a God that does. Also, if you would like to donate, you can do it here on the blog or message me and we can work something out!! Most importantly, I would love for you to pray for me and my team, our hearts, and the people’s hearts of Thailand, India, and Guatemala!
