Hey guys! My squad and I just got back a couple days ago from month one debrief. It went just as quick as it came, and before we know it, we’ll be at month five debrief.
Debrief was a five day “vacation” to rest, refresh and refill ourselves with the Lord and our wonderful squad mentor and coaches came out to reconnect with us and lead our sessions. We went to a beautiful resort in the outskirts of Chiang Mai that had great food, a nice pool and AIR-CONDITIONING. That’s right! Lexi Hatten and I shared a room and we kept the temperature no higher than 20′ the WHOLE time. We wore our long sleeve shirts, sweatpants, and socks to bed, and we slept with blankets and it honestly was such a blessing. Not going to lie, it was a little rough transitioning back to our hostel and waking up in the middle of the night in a pool of your own sweat, but it gives me a deeper appreciation for AC.
Before debrief, I was going through a little bit of a rough patch emotionally/mentally. The enemy was attacking me in every way he possibly could. I was struggling with my identity, my appearance, my long distance relationship, the lack of connection with Jesus, my perseverance and so much more. It all became a lot in my head and I was extremely close to throwing in the towel. I wanted to come home, I was exhausted and the thought of feeling like this for another eight months was absolutely… pffttt… there was absolutely no way. I went to debrief with the intention of talking to one of my coaches about what it would look like for me to go home. I kept pushing the conversation off until it got o the last full day and we walked up to the meeting room where we were about to have a teaching. We get in there and sit down when our mentor tells us that she feels as though the Holy Spirit was leading her to change the schedule. We were going to have a time of praise/worship and intersession because she felt as though a breakthrough needed to happen for someone on the squad. (Back up: I mentioned above that I was struggling connecting with Jesus. I wasn’t worshiping as I normally would, I wasn’t praying as I normally would, I just wasn’t in the same head space as I normally was.) I was sitting there absolutely determined to hear from God because I was tired of not having that connection. I remembered I wrote down a prayer in my journal that my dear friend Katy gave me during training camp, and the prayer is: “In Jesus name, I silence my flesh and command it to get out of the way of what the Father has to say to me. In Jesus’ name, I silence the enemy and command him to get out of the way of what the Father wants to say to me. In Jesus’ name, I invite You Holy Spirit to come relay to me exactly what the Father wants to say to me. Jesus, I give you full authority over my mind and my heart right now and in Jesus’ name, I cast out anything the enemy has tried to plant inside my head.” I knew the motions, I knew what I had to go to get to the place I wanted to be, I just couldn’t get there. I prayed that prayer over myself. And then I prayed it again, and again, and again, and again. Nothing. I didn’t feel anything different. It had been about five minutes of me just sitting there, feeling defeated, when one of my squad leaders got up and said she felt as though someone on the team was struggling to connect with the Lord. She saw an image in her head of someone coming to the alter with a bunch of rocks in their hands. The person was trying so hard to raise their hands up in worship, but the rocks they were carrying were too heavy, they couldn’t raise their hands. Then she saw the Lord tell them to hand over the rocks they had been carrying because they weren’t theirs to carry anymore. I just started weeping. I quickly grabbed my journal beside me and wrote down all the things I wanted to hand over to Jesus in that moment. I’m going to let you all read my prayer I wrote out that night.
“Hey God, Wow. I can hardly figure out or process what happened earlier. I’m not surprised You showed up, because I know You never left. Today I handed over so many things to You. I laid my guilt, shame, anger, trust issues, victim mindset, double standard mindset, self hatred, anxiety and depression down at Your feet. I refuse to pick those things up again, because I know they’re no longer mine to carry. Instead I’m trading my guilt and shame for boldness and courage. I’m trading my anger for calmness. I’m trading my trust issues, my victim mindset, and my double standard mindset for faith in Jesus, innocence and the understanding that You think of me and hold me to the same standards as You do them. I’m trading my self hatred for self love and appreciation and I’m trading my depression and anxiety for joy and peace in Jesus’ name. These things have held me captive for too long and because of Your great name, they don’t have a grip on me any longer. In Jesus’ powerful name I command these things to let go of me and for the chains to be broken. I am no longer a slave to those things. I am free, I am redeemed, and I am a daughter of the King. God, I fully give you access to the part of my heart that needs a father. I open the gate and tear down those walls and wholeheartedly welcome You in to be my Heavenly Father. Thank You Jesus for sealing this because in Your word it says ‘Ask and you shall receive’ so I ask you seal it and I thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness. With so much love and adoration, your daughter.”
That day totally changed my outlook on life. A weight had been lifted and I felt so free. Guys, there is power in the name of Jesus. I’m not saying that I’ll never deal with those things again because I’m human, but I know without a doubt that God is going to meet me right where I’m at and He’s going to help me carry my burdens to the cross. I no longer have to deal with them alone (or at least attempt to), because Jesus dealt with them on the cross. How relieving is that?! I walked away from debrief so filled, so connected and so light, it was actually a miracle. I’m excited to go into this next month of ministry and give all I can.
I’d still appreciate all the prayers I can get. At the bottoms of my blogs I’m going to start listing prayer requests so you guys have more specific ways to be praying for me. I’d also like to thank each and every one of you that’s supported me throughout this experience so far, I literally wouldn’t be here without you. Thank you for reading and joining with me in prayer.
With SO much love.
Prayer Requests:
- Fundraising- I need to raise $5,701 by January 15th, 2020
- My boyfriend and my long distance relationship
- That I can remember and trust that God is big enough to take care of me here in Thailand AND my family at home
- Strength, endurance, motivation, etc
