This blog post contains sensitive content if you deal/have dealt with self harm or suicidal thoughts/actions. Please DO NOT read if you are struggling or have struggled with anything mentioned above.
Hey guys! I just wanted to take some time to celebrate with y’all! Today, Friday September 27th, is the two year anniversary of me giving up an addiction that ruled my life for many years.
September 27th, 2017 was the last time that I ever picked up that blade and hurt myself on purpose. I’d struggled with many forms of self harm since May 28th, 2011, and self harm had become so normal for me that I had stopped thinking about how it was affecting my life and the lives of those I loved. It started out as a way to punish myself; my families brokenness, what I looked like, grades, etc. But as time went on, I no longer turned to self harm as a punishment or coping mechanism for the things listed above, I found my identity in it. I wasn’t Rosie without cuts/bruises and I wasn’t Rosie without bright red scars on my arms, stomach, thighs or ankles. It actually gave me anxiety when my scars started to fade into the color of my skin and weren’t red anymore, it almost became an obsessive compulsive disorder where I couldn’t function if I knew I didn’t have fresh wounds somewhere on my body. Before I was able to break that disgusting, life controlling addiction, I struggled with it for six and a half years. For six and a half years I was hiding from and lying to the people I loved, I was hurting but I never took advantage of the amazing community I had around me to get myself better, and I was pretending that what I was doing wouldn’t affect me long term, but little did I know, it absolutely would. There isn’t a day I’m not reminded of what I did to myself because it’s written all over my body, every once in a while when I’m reaching for something I do it with my arms facing down so people won’t see the insides of my wrists and it still makes me panic when someone says they need to talk to me because more often than not when that used to happen, it would be some sort of intervention to get me to quit. These thoughts and actions are so ingrained in me that I find myself mindlessly doing them to this day. But ONLY by the absolute grace of God was I able to break off the chains that were holding me captive for so long. I was able to find my new identity in Jesus and not in self harm, and I was able to get the help I needed. Recovery from addiction is something that Jesus has put on my heart and something that I’m so passionate about now. If you’re struggling with some sort of addiction, please go get help. It’s so worth it. Its scary, believe me, but the freedom Jesus has to offer when you give that addiction up is worth more than any high you’ll ever get from your addiction.
I was praising and thanking God this morning on my 2 year anniversary and He gave me a word: redeemed. I’ve been redeemed by Jesus on the cross. Through all of my sin, all of my doubt and all of my addiction. I’ve been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. Last year I decided to get a tattoo on my forearm in honor of my one year anniversary, so I got the words “restored, confirmed, strengthened, established” which come from the verse 1 Peter 5:10. In the ESV bible that says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you into His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” I have that tattoo of a daily reminder that I am those things through Jesus, despite my addiction and despite how I see myself.
So the point of this blog is to give all glory to God. Everything I’ve overcome in my life, I give all the glory to my Creator because if I were relying on my own strength to make it through, I’d still be an addict. Don’t get me wrong, I still get cravings every once in a while, but when that happens, I know I can take those feelings and lay them down at the feet of Jesus because they aren’t my cravings to carry anymore. It’s easier said than done, but it IS possible. So again, I encourage you to get he help you need. All you need is ten seconds of insane courage and so many great things can come from that, including healing. Give your addiction over to Jesus because its already been paid for, He’s just waiting for you to want to hand it over to Him.
Thank you for reading and celebrating this milestone with me today.
With SO much love.
