John 8:31-32 (NIV): If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Quick disclaimer, restated at the end as well:
This blog was hard to write, and I know some might find it hard to read. If you have the time, please read this whole post. If you happen to have a negative comment in mind, please just keep it to yourself! Only love here 🙂 But please also know that I am 1000% open to questions, or to continuing this conversation with you! If you want to know more or talk about any of this further, I would be more than happy to share. So don’t hesitate to reach out! Okay now let’s get to it!
This blog is one that I have so badly wanted to write for a LONG time now. It’s one that I held back from posting because I knew it would upset some people in my life. Every time I sat down to work on a blog, I thought about typing this out… and then chose the safe route and picked a different topic instead. But I really don’t want to play it safe anymore, I want to be honest and transparent. My team was also able to speak so much truth into my situation, and together the six of us decided it would be selfish of me not to share this with you. One of them spoke Galatians 1:10 over me (and my response was, laughing through tears, “oh trust me, I know that one all too well”). For over a month I have tried every single day to work on this particular blog, but it seemed impossible. I was hoping there was a way I could share the whole story as best as I could, from training camp until now. But I couldn’t find the words. And honestly, I probably never will have the “right” words, but that doesn’t mean I should just hold back from sharing altogether. I’m not going to water it down, and I’m not going to fluff it up. Most importantly I am not going to apologize to anyone on behalf of what the Lord is doing in my life.
Galatians 1:10 (NIV): Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
First of all, I recognize that probably about 90% of the people who subscribe to this blog are Catholic, because those are the people I have grown up knowing or living with. I was raised in a pretty strict Catholic-only bubble. I grew up in a Catholic family who went to Catholic Church on Sundays. I attended Catholic schools from kindergarten all the way until I graduated high school. I also attended a Catholic youth group twice a week. I had left the country a few times before and even did a handful of mission trips, but only with my Catholic Church or Catholic school. My friends were from church and school, so everyone I would hang out with was Catholic… you get the idea, it’s literally all I have ever known. And I didn’t see anything wrong with that. My entire life, I only knew God in the context of the Catholic Church… Until the World Race. And stepping out of that bubble changed everything. Suddenly it wasn’t just the culture of my surroundings, it was a choice I had to make for myself, and I was faced with a lot of big questions I didn’t know I would ever have to ask myself.
So here’s the thing: you probably have an idea of where this is going, so I’ll just get straight to it. If you haven’t guessed it already, I am no longer Catholic.
This is a decision that was NOT AT ALL made spontaneously. In fact, one of my biggest concerns was that I only felt pulled in a different direction because I was so far from home. I feared that I was just being influenced by the people around me, and that if there were other Catholics around, I wouldn’t feel the same way. I have never second guessed myself so much. I was so nervous about this that I decided I needed to consider the other side by contacting a Catholic priest I know from back home, who I consider to be a super impactful mentor in my life. After talking with him and praying about it for what felt like forever, I honestly felt the exact same. I was confident I was making the right choice.
Throughout this whole process, I completely overthought every single potential consequence. I had no idea how my family would respond (thanks mom, dad, and Taylor for not freaking out when I called each of you LOL). I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me for walking away from the church I was raised in, but more importantly I didn’t want them to feel pressured to walk away from that church themselves. The majority of my friendships at home have revolved around the Catholic church. Take Katie for example, the person I would consider my best friend. We have always bonded over our dedication to the traditions of the church. When we spent time together, “hanging out” consisted of going to adoration together, playing music in the chapel near my house, sitting on the carpet in front of the first pews, or sitting laying in front of the tabernacle/behind the altar at our church, having deep God talks late into the night. We discussed our big questions with Fr. Tony, and bonded over our desire to learn more about things like Eucharistic Miracles, the lives of the saints, or why the Mass is the way that it is. Would she still want to be my friend? (Love you Katie, thank you for loving me through this so so well). Will any of my relationships ever be the same? The reality is, probably not. That’s quite a consequence right there. In the year up until I left the States, I had absolutely fallen in love with my new church. It became my home more than my own home was to me. Will I find a church I love that much? Will I ever feel at home at one the way I did there? Will I ever get to go to church with friends and family? When the whole extended family goes to mass together on Christmas and Easter, I won’t be allowed to participate in receiving communion with everyone… the list goes on and on and on… and it was all that consumed my mind. I laid awake at night thinking about the consequences. I had breakdown after breakdown about whether I really wanted to go through with this, because all those consequences scared the crap out of me. (Let me be clear in saying that I DO recognize I am a big over-thinker, haha!)
But then I thought about the consequences if I DON’T do this; if I went home and let everything stay the same. If I didn’t go through with this, I would live the rest of my life consumed by religious guilt and by the need to follow a set of rules in order to get to heaven, instead of living with assurance of His grace and of my salvation itself. I would go right back to feeling stuck, right back into the bubble I have finally broken out of. And the biggest consequence of all, I would be straight up disobeying the Lord. I knew it wasn’t what He wanted for me. I began to see that this would be so incredibly worth what had to be left behind.
“I am slowly beginning to see there is more ahead than what I am leaving behind me.” -Morgan Harper Nichols
So around Christmas time, I finalized this decision: I wasn’t just going to keep questioning, I knew this is what I’m supposed to do.
On January 1st, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and the Lord put it on my heart to get baptized. I sort of freaked out, because that would be such a huge step for me, but also the perfect way to dive head first into this transition. So on January 16th at our midpoint debrief, I got baptized. It was something I had never gotten to choose for myself, because I was baptized into the Catholic Church as a baby. I mean it when I say it wasn’t anything special; I convinced the front desk worker at a fancy hotel to let us use their hot tub, and my squad mentor Jodi baptized me under bright pink and purple party lights while Spanish music blared through the speakers, and hotel workers watched. It was SO funny. But although it didn’t seem like much, at the same time it was the most special night ever. I had this overwhelming feeling like I was finally getting it right, and I wasn’t afraid of it anymore. I felt free.
(Love you a whole lot Jodes <3)
When I decided I was doing the World Race, I had no idea this was His plan all along. In May I wrote a blog titled “Why I’m going on the World Race.” I had sat with the Lord and asked Him to speak into my “why,” because I had a feeling He had called me for a reason that I couldn’t yet see. If you scroll back and read that blog from May, before I even got to training camp, you would see that these were the exact words that I believe He spoke to me about why He called me to the Race:
-to show you that I am not confined to the box you put Me in. To show you there is so much more to Me and to this life, because growth begins when you step out of the boat.
(I couldn’t see it at the time, but I let religion be that box. I couldn’t see that UNTIL I stepped out of my bubble into the unknown.)
-I want to show you who I am like you’ve never seen Me before.
(He has DEFINITELY shown me SO MUCH MORE of Himself. When I stepped out of my Catholic-only bubble, I realized that my understanding Him and His character was about the size of a PEA. And WOW has He opened my eyes in so many new ways.)
-To show you the bigger picture. So far you have only seen a small piece of who I am and who you are. Trust me, there is much more beyond this leap of faith.
(Do I even need to comment on this one? I mean WOW. He knew He had more for me than what I could see in my circumstances at the time. His Church is bigger than Catholicism, there was so much more for me to learn. There still is. I definitely see the big picture now, and I don’t know how anyone could ever go back after truly grasping the truth of the gospel.)
Isn’t that incredible? Real, undeniable proof that this was His plan for me, before I even knew it myself. Before I even stepped out of the bubble, He spoke these words over me. Before I even had a clue what was coming, He showed me He had something greater in store for me this year. And it all unfolded exactly the way He planned it, exactly the way He wanted it too.
Here’s one more thing I want to share: It’s a letter I wrote in my journal a few months ago, addressed to the Catholic Church. This is an accurate reflection of where my heart has been at lately:
Dear Catholic Church,
Before I start, know I still love you. a LOT. You raised me, you helped me meet my maker. I just believe I was missing a lot when I was so dedicated to you. I had a relationship with you and your rules before I had a relationship with God himself. I missed out on the full and true gospel of Jesus Christ. There are things I know now, from being out here in the world, that I would never have realized if I was still confined by your walls… things I never would have learned from those pews.
You are truly so beautiful. The beauty and reverence cannot be matched in any other church. There are things I have learned from you that I know I will carry into the rest of my life, no matter where I go. I learned the art of devoting myself to something even when it doesn’t completely make sense. I learned dedication and consistency. But here’s the thing, I want to have a relationship with my Creator, not a church. And I want to grow alongside a community of believers who want this same thing. I want my relationship with God to take precedence over rule-following or doing the “right things.” I want to please Him, not man. I want to abide by the Word, the TRUTH, and not by tradition or by what man says… Not by man-made additions to the Word of God. I don’t want my life to revolve around something solely because it’s “what I’m supposed to do” or “what is expected of me.”
I have direct access to God through Jesus Christ. I am able to boldly approach his throne, with CONFIDENCE, and without mediation from a priest, saints, or Mary. Because of what Jesus did, the veil has been torn, and I don’t have to go through anyone else to get to Him. He never wanted it that way. I have a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus, the ONLY intermediary. I believe He is the only one, proper object of devotion. Never again do I want to be distracted by the other idols on which I set my gaze.
Above all, I want to be motivated by grace, not guilt. I want to follow freely, and to find freedom IN following. Thank you for kickstarting my faith, I seriously wouldn’t be here without you. But I’m ready for the real thing.
-Reagan
So here’s the thing, I didn’t want to make this blog into a big long list of my reasons why I left the Catholic Church (if you want to know, hit me up and I’ll gladly share!). My intention is not to just disprove the Catholic Church or make anyone feel bad about the religion they choose to follow. My goal is in NO WAY to judge or offend anyone, PLEASE know that!!! But if I could share just one thing, something I wish every single person in this world would know, it would be this:
Religion is not the same thing as a relationship with God. Life with Jesus isn’t about checking off the boxes so you can get to Heaven. It’s about living by, and for, His grace. He’s not waiting for you to pray the right words or rack up your good works before you can spend eternity with Him. Our unbelief is what stands in the way. He doesn’t want me to live in constant fear that maybe I’m “not doing it right.” He is a forgiving God who pours His grace over me, and wants all of me right here right now, just as I am. As time went on, the God who was hard to please was replaced by a God who was quick to forgive. That’s the real Jesus right there. To make a SUPER long story short, the gospel is a whole lot simpler than I’ve been taught.
To be honest, this blog is a LOTTT more vague than I could have made it (I cannot stress that enough lol) but I simply wanted to be open about this, because it has without a doubt been the biggest, hardest, and most important part of my World Race. And this journey isn’t over, it’s just getting started. And let me be clear when I say this: there is still SO much I don’t know. I still have questions. There’s still so much I don’t understand. But that’s okay, I know I’m doing what He wants for me and I know that’s all that matters. I have no doubt that I will be sharing more about all of this in future blogs, and possibly even going into more detail with certain parts of the story, who knows! If I have learned anything, it’s that I have an incredible opportunity in front of me now: I see my 18 years in the Catholic Church as SUCH a gift. Not only have I learned so much from it, but I can now use the things I’ve learned, and this journey from religion to relationship, to more sensitively explain the gospel to those who haven’t actually heard it or don’t fully accept it.
I may not be Catholic anymore, but this is a decision I made FOR Jesus, not against His Church. Because His Church is a whole lot bigger than just Roman Catholicism. This is the strongest my relationship with the Lord has ever been, and I only see it growing stronger from here. No matter where you stand, I hope you can agree that a strong relationship with Jesus is worth it. It’s worth any of the minor consequences, and it’s so worth fighting for. I have never felt this free, and I’ve never felt so close to Him, and that is the only confirmation I really need to know that this was the right choice for me.
If you have something negative to say about my decision, kindly keep it to yourself 🙂 BUT, if you have questions, comments, or just want to talk about it/know more about all of this, please reach out! I would absolutely LOVE to chat with you no matter who you are or where you’re at!!! I’m completely open to talking about it as long as YOU are too, but I know that looks different for everyone!
Thanks for reading, it really means more than you know.
Love you all lots!
-Reagan 🙂
Romans 12:2 (TPT): Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God’s will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in His eyes.
