Tomorrow I will leave the country for the next 11 months. I have dreamed of this day for the past 5 years and to think that it is about to happen stirs up a lot of different emotions. I am eager to set the world on fire, but at the same time how do I leave my family, friends, and the life I have built for myself? Will people be waiting for me when I return or will they have moved on with their lives without me? How can I love those who are broken when I am broken myself? Who will protect me while I travel to places where I don’t speak the language or know the culture?
The hardest thing I have been struggling with is how to listen for God’s voice. Throughout training camp, several speakers shared about the different ways that God speaks to them. Growing up in the church, this was a common theme that was discussed, but I always felt left out. I never experienced God speaking to me (or so I thought). This started to make me ask; where has God been and why can’t I talk to him like others claim they do? Where was he when I was sexually abused? Where was he when my dad almost died? Who is supposed to guide me these next 11 months if I can’t hear God’s voice?
In my weakest moment at training camp, Evan, the Worship Leader, began talking about the image of Jesus presented in the Chronicles of Narnia. In this story, Jesus is depicted as a lion named Aslan and at the end of the story Aslan is killed. Just when the children believe that he is gone forever, Aslan appears on top of the mountain unharmed and even more majestic than before. The children immediately run to him and hug him. Evan continues to describe how Aslan wraps the children up in his arms and immediately everything is ok because Aslan overcame death and returned to be with them. He finished by saying, “God is madly in love with all of us and will always be there to protect us.”
We began to sing a song I had never heard before called Good Grace by Hillsong UNITED. As I’m singing along and seeing the electric energy in the room, one line caught my attention:
“Don’t let your heart be troubled, Hold your head up high, Don’t fear no evil, Fix your eyes on this one truth, God is madly in love with you”
At this moment, one of the leaders from my training team, whom I barely knew, came over to me and said, “I don’t know your story or what you have been through, but God told me to tell you that he has never left your side. He was been with you through all of your struggles and to keep fighting. He will continue to give you a big Aslan hug in the hardest moments.”
In that moment, he spoke to me through someone else and I realized that hearing God’s voice can come in many different ways. Just because I don’t literally hear someone speaking to me doesn’t mean that God isn’t communicating with me. We have to be still and have an open heart that is ready for Him.
My heart is open and I am ready Lord. Send me and use me.
