For the past three months of this journey, God has been teaching me about boundaries, barriers, and walls, that I have created between myself, other people, and God. As some of you might know, one of my boundaries is that I don’t like hugs. I can explain that neuroses in full later but it has a lot to do with my boundary of physical touch and is just exacerbated from there. I accept hugs and understand the importance placed on them, but I still don’t like them. Instead I do awkward things like namaste and bow while slowly walking away, for no reason, so who knows which is worse! I think that boundaries are good for us and they allow a person a safe space and the ability to not lose themselves in the beliefs and emotions of others.
When it comes to barriers and walls the opposite seems to be true. I had built up barriers and walls to keep myself safe from having to fully feel an emotion or experience a moment. Barriers I could easily cross from one side to the other in order to experience those moments and emotions but walls were strongly built, brick by brick, and nothing was getting over to the vulnerable side, no matter what. An example of a barrier in my life is worship. Worship in the form of singing on Sunday mornings at church and singing to praise God in general. Some days when the music starts playing, my heart is not fully there and it is very difficult for me to find freedom and fully worship.
A great tool that our mentors and leaders have given us through this journey is that whenever a barrier, trigger, or wall comes up you should ask yourself WHY five times in order to get to the root of the issue and why it bothers you. It doesn’t have be a strict five times, it can be more or less times, but the goal is to get to the root of the issue. If you get to the root in two whys than you are ahead of the game! I asked myself whys in relation to my worship issue and came to the realization that because I went to an arts school for highschool, where singing and chorus were my major, a lot of the joy in singing had been taken away. For four years of highschool I went to at least two chorus classes per day where excellence was expected and nothing less was accepted. This unfortunately carried over into my worship and required that I sing perfect notes and never off key to God. It made worship forced for me and wasnt always from the heart. Please don’t hear me wrong and think that I regret my choice to go to this highschool. It was an extremely valuable four years and I would not trade those moments and extraordinary people that I got to meet throughout my time. Some of my most cherished friendships started in highschool and I am very thankful for the opportunities that going to this school gave me. So that is the why, but the reason why this is a barrier for me and not a wall is because there are times where I am able to fully worship God and step on the other side of the barrier. It can be in the form of singing a song of praise and it can also be getting to see a beautiful sunrise raise up another day.
A wall for me is trust. I don’t expect it from anyone and I don’t give it easily. I am very critical of new people and whether or not they deserve my trust. I don’t think that I hold grudges, so I don’t think that a person can lose my trust, if that helps. I know the root of this issue but I dont feel the need to explain that publicly. The aftermath of this revelation of trust as a wall is that I have never allowed myself to be in any form of relationship with a guy. I think that my wall is so high that I am oblivious to any advances being made towards me or I put off an, “I don’t need you” vibe from the beginning. Probably both. It is something that I have put in place and will stay there until I choose to demolish the wall and openly trust.
Over the years I had convinced myself that I needed these barriers and walls to be a strong, independent woman. That if I let those barriers and walls down I would suffer loss and rejection that I wasn’t strong enough to face. God has been teaching me that with Him there are no walls. He knows every part of me and breaks every wall down from the moment I let His love into my life. In Ephesians 2 it says, “For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.” – Ephesians 2:14-22 This month I have had the chance to talk to my team about my own boundaries, barriers, and walls, but I also mentioned a few that we have within our team too, in order to create a more open level of communication. I have also had the amazing opportunity to see the mountain castles of Machu Picchu. We took an unbelievable journey by train through the Sacred Valley, here in Peru, with mountains surrounding us on all sides. It was stunning to see God’s paintbrush at work all around us. As we were marveling I was reminded of the song ‘Aint no mountain high enough.’ I envisioned God singing the words, ‘Aint no mountain/ wall high enough to keep me away from you! He has always been there and He always will be and I need no other assurance!
P.S. Sorry this wasn’t really an update on what we did this month in Peru. It was kind of a weird month and I can definitely explain that in another blog!
P.P.S. You saw this song coming! https://youtu.be/Xz-UvQYAmbg
P.P.P.S. One of those great worship songs that I have been loving lately!
