I’ve found in my 5 days being home in a lot of loneliness in rooms that have others in them. I mean I’m for sure not alone in the room (I have 5 siblings, that’s basically impossible), but I find that I feel so distant from everything that’s going on.
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“Did that even happen?” I ask, “It feels like years ago I was on the field but also a couple of hours at the same time.”
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I often wake up early in the morning as I did in Romania, Guatemala, and Ecuador but when I walk in the kitchen to get coffee there isn’t someone there to greet me. No one waking up right after me to come to give me a hug and sit with me. I don’t hear the sound of loud music and people having dance parties as I try to go to sleep at night. When I’m overwhelmed by emotions and my own inner critic there’s no one that I just talk to all the time. You’re just alone.
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Yesterday I went on a walk with the Lord, I try to every day but yesterday I think I enjoyed it just a little more than usual. I began to tell Him my feelings of loneliness. The fear that I may fall back into my old style of life and begin living like I did before I left for this life-changing thing. Part of me would rather say “Well that didn’t happen, just go back to regular life.” the other part of me is screaming “How can I say that didn’t happen?! It changed me forever, It marked me completely.” These two voices of apathy and process scream back and forth so usually when I’m overwhelmed by them I run to His voice. And when I did I found something I didn’t expect to find.
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As I thought about my season there was one constant voice from the race to home. His. He was still exactly the same in both seasons and He wanted to sit with me. He wanted to watch me heal. He delighted in my process and in my waiting. He delighted in the song my heart sang to Him in the easy seasons and in the impossibly hard ones. He loved it all. And He led me back to this very simple truth that I somehow forgot.. He just wants to know me.
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I put a lot of pressure on myself to adjust to American life quickly. I was ready to start evangelizing and having worship nights as soon as I got back so I could give the fire I got from the field to the states. I thought it was my duty to bring revival to the states, but that’s not what He had in mind. He wanted me to heal, to wait, to taste and see His goodness before I ever moved. I began to understand that healing and process will go as slow as He wants it to go and right now it feels like He’s moving at a turtle pace. All He wants is my friendship and all I want is His leadership in my life.
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I’m never alone. How can I be? He’s sent this beloved Holy Spirit with the intention to swallow up my loneliness forever. I can’t be alone cause in my time of most need He always shows up. I don’t want to eat old manna from my race. I don’t want my walk with God to be unsatisfied cause I’m no longer on the race. He never changed. Maybe my inability to see the green pastures that He’s led me to is causing me to be ungrateful. He’s done so much for me. I’m eating the manna He’s just put out on the ground and I’m going to drink His new wine He’s given me in this season. The old wine doesn’t even taste good anymore.
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So I’m learning to be ok with His timing. He’s led me to a beautiful season of intimacy and I don’t want to miss it because I misunderstand the promise as a problem. He’s good regardless. So I’m going to submit to His Lordship and live in the lush, green valley that He’s brought me to.
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“The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.” (Psalms 23:1-2 NASB)
