This one is for those who look at themselves in the mirror and wish for something else. This is for those that have ever compared themselves to someone who they see is skinnier, taller, shorter, curvier, bustier, faster, more talented, more muscular, or “happier” than they are.
I am not immune to the insecurities that take perch in the back of the minds of many. Heck, sometimes they are in the front of my mind, driving the system. The control they take will drive me to do things and think things that I know are not only bad for me, but bad for others.
So for a moment, I want to be honest. I want to be real and maybe uncomfortably raw, and bring to light things I keep in the dark from most if not all.
I am a runner (in case you didn’t already know). I began running in 4th grade and haven’t stopped since. When I was younger, it was a fun thing for me to do. I did the run clubs and got the participation ribbons or the completion medals. As I entered high school, it became more competitive, and I loved it. The idea of pushing myself to my limits getting new personal records and setting my goals was something that became a part of my identity. I was the runner. I used this to describe myself when I first got to know someone. This is who I was.
With the title of the “runner” (or please feel free to insert whatever it is you identify yourself as, whether that be your sport, job title, talent.. etc.) I began to obsess over how I could improve. I wanted to put on display the version of myself I believed everyone was wanting to see.
Let me stop there to take a moment to talk about comparison. COMPARISON KILLS HEALTHY PERSONAL GROWTH. I know the addiction to comparison though. Scrolling through the Instagram feed or the Facebook posts of someone else’s life that just looks so much better than your own. Comparing their highlights to your everyday mundane. Comparing their filters to your reality. Comparing their level of happiness to your level of happiness. It is crippling, and almost emotionally debilitating, to look into someone else’s life and think that you could never achieve their level, or you could never be that beautiful, or that creative, or that successful, or have that good of a job, or that good of an income, or that great of a spouse. I have looked and I have wished. Comparing has brought me to my lowest.
I think for me, the peak of my comparison game was during my junior year of high school. I know during this year in particular, I was running during my cross country season, and I had my actual worst performance that I had ever in my running career. My fastest time was the first race I ran. I was progressively getting worse. As I got slower times, I would ask myself why others around me were advancing and I was digressing. I looked at my fellow runners and I saw the thigh gaps and the flat stomachs. I was aware that my thighs weren’t the average endurance runner look. Not to say that I was overweight or above average by any means, But for a varsity level athlete, I was spending a hefty amount on chafing-relief cream. So I took that route, that skinnier meant faster. I started training harder and didn’t communicate pain I felt in my legs. Then began the yo-yoing of restricting my diet followed by binging all the food I could find. To my surprise, this was no help at all. I ended my season with two stress fractures and worse, a totally broken view on my identity.
The more I compared myself to the people surrounding me, the more I actually started hating myself. I would not take care of myself the way I should have. I adopted unhealthy numbing habits such as eating for comfort, isolating myself, and watching a toxic amount of Netflix.
All the while on the daily I would look at other people’s lives and tell myself, tomorrow is the day I become more like that.
Newsflash: TOMORROW NEVER COMES.
Newsflash part two: I WILL NOT FIND HAPPINESS LIVING SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE.
I had to set aside the idea that my happiness could be determined by my weight, by my speed, by my beauty, or by my success. Because no matter how fast I got, I still wanted to be faster. No matter how skinny or fit I got, I still would find someone else whose body was better. I was continually striving for what I didn’t have.
I am still relearning now, to this day, that I was created for more. I was created for a joy and a love so much bigger than my own worldly improvement. I have a purpose greater than the fantasized happiness that the world believes vanity or affluence brings.
Coming here on this trip has tested me in these areas and brought to light things and thoughts that GOTTA GO.
I run as often as I can here on the race, and I am nowhere near the level I was during my competitive training. I know that I am slower, I know that I can’t do the levels of workouts I wish I could. My time to exercise is limited by my ministry hours. I also have restrictions due to safety concerns, but, God is showing me something. He is showing my that I am not defined by what I can do, but by what He can do. He is showing me how much of a blessing running can be. He also is showing me that my identity is in him and not someone who I wish I was.
My life is not glamorous. My life is full of mistakes. It is messy, literally I am living in the ghetto of Peru. Accumulated garbage is the norm and I know that I probably smell like a diaper. I wouldn’t trade this life for any other though. God put me where I am now, not to abhor life and kick my self esteem to the ground. He put me where I am at to look up AND to point as I do so, that way everyone else can see the only person we should be trying to be more like is Him.
Thank you for reading my blog. God has been doing a work this month and totally changing the way I communicate and the way that I personally deal with uncomfortable situations. On the race I decided to give up Netflix in order to avoid an unhealthy coping mechanism and I encourage you to find something that might not be a bad thing, but you know it is bad for you and takes up your time in energy in a not so great way. Please pray for my team as we finish out our time here in Peru and prepare for Guatemala, but to also be intentional this final week here! As always, please reach out and talk to me, I love hearing from my supporters, friends and family. I love you all so much! God bless.
