Have you ever had a time where you had so much to do that when you think of all the tasks to complete, you end up doing nothing? I’m sure this happens to everyone. Except, instead of this being a moment, a day, or a week, I have been struggling in this state for the last month or more. There is a lot of preparation that goes on behind the scenes in preparing for such a journey. I’ll be gone for elven months so I understand that I need to get things in order but it felt like everything on my to-do list hit me at once. My brain felt like a live action pinball machine. I’ve been overwhelmed. Exhausted. Which task should I tackle first? My fears, anxiety, and doubt were keeping me from beginning to check things off my list. I purposely let myself become distracted. What as that going to solve? This decision to go on The World Race is a big risk! I want change but didn’t want to put in the work for it. So tell me, how does that work? It doesn’t and I was scared.
I thought I would share with you a dream I had last week. Personally, I don’t want to share it but here goes. My dream started while eating lunch with a friend. We were simply talking. All of a sudden I got really upset and felt a vicious anger towards and I threw a pen at her. (Not sure why it was a pen but moving on). I missed her and it fell on the floor. The girl sitting next to me looked at me in shock and I remember saying, “I don’t know why I did that. I can’t control it.” As anyone would, my friend picked up the pen and placed it back in front of me. I said, “I don’t want it,” took the pen and threw it again. The second time she brought me the pen, I felt a very powerful, negative energy surrounding me and I was using all my might to keep the pen away while she was forcefully trying to give it back to me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I kept yelling “I don’t want it! I can’t control what I’m doing!” The dream itself wasn’t bad but I woke up and my chest felt insanely heavy, my body was sweating, and my hands were locked in a fist and positioned above my head. I laid there for a second but began feeling very uncomfortable, scared, and freaked out. I knew the aura wasn’t right. Immediately, I started praying and knew I needed to do something about this situation. So, I jumped out of bed and ran to my bathroom grabbing the book Captivating on my way. I remembered there was A Daily Prayer For Freedom in the back of the book. I desperately needed help and the right words to say in that moment. With one hand holding the book, and one hand stretched out to God I started reading out loud. I had read this prayer before when I first read through the book but it didn’t mean anything to me at the time. It wasn’t until I got to the line where I read aloud “I surrender every aspect of my life totally and completely to you” that I lost it and started bawling. I hate crying. It gives me headaches. But the tears would not stop. I kept pushing through the ugly cry, snot, and puffy face and I got on my knees and MEANT this prayer as I wiped my face with my bath towel. I’d never experienced anything like this before that had led me to wake up at 5:30 in the morning, run scared to my bathroom, and weep before God. It was an incredible moment of surrendering.
I had the opportunity to attend my first IF gathering this weekend. This gathering equips women with: gospel-centered resources, events, and community so they may learn more about who God is and disciple other women right where they are. Both the women at my table and the women speaking at the conference had incredible stories that were amazing to hear. They had us write down one word that we thought God was saying to us in that moment and I wrote “surrender.” I’ve been choosing a single word to focus on during my current season of life. My word at the moment is “intentional” since I have been in Michigan spending time with family. Now, as this next chapter in my life is unfolding, I believe God is calling me to fully surrender to Him. One of the speakers said that this is a daily choice to have the self-discipline to focus on God as being the center of your life. It is the effects of these day-to-day choices that will lead us to a better and fuller life that God wants for us. “If you have a pulse, you have a purpose.” I am praying for an intentional relationship with God, trusting him, and surrendering to Him daily. I don’t want to be half hearted anymore. “Jesus is not part of your life, he IS your life.” While I continue preparing for this journey, I will keep in mind a verse that was said at the IF gathering. “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3
