First things first! I’m going by Cheyenne now! There’s another Lexi on my team, and it was too confusing for me. Cheyenne’s my middle name, so it all works out!!
Secondly, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Me, screaming my heart out because we’re finally HERE!!!!
But let me back up!! By timeline.
September 5: one of my favorite singers ever, Melanie Martinez, came out with a movie, K-12, that was showing in select theaters only.
September 6: the start of Launch.
September 9: the day we actually left for Thailand.
The movie was important. My mom bought tickets for us to see it, and we flew out to Atlanta, Georgia a day before Launch so that we could watch it! It was an amazing film! But through that evening, I was reminded of my new journey: being all in for God.
Melanie Martinez is not a a Christian by any stretch, and the movie reflected that. The thought hit me in the middle of the film: this is my last day as a regular human. And in my soul, I was okay with that.
What does the world offer? It offers idols in the forms of everything other than God. Spending too much time on anything else than God makes it into an idol. It says that those things will fulfill me. But then I’d need more, and more of those things to fulfill me. And the world tries to deceive me that those things fill the God-sized hole in my heart.
On the other hand, what does God offer? He offers forgiveness and he offers true life. Christianity is the only religion where one can’t do good works to get to heaven. Every single other religion says that if one does enough good works, they’ll get to heaven. This creates a thought process of continually weighing one’s good deeds against one’s bad deeds, which is just stressful! In Christianity, one “just” has to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and believe He had died and then rose again the next day. That’s it. That’s all. Easy, right?
No, because it’s just so simple and against our nature. I just have to believe with all my heart that Jesus died and then rose again? And He accepts me just like that? It’s the very definition of “too good to be true”!
Except it’s not! No matter what I have done, do, or will do, God still loves me! He still considers me His child! He won’t ever stop loving me and THAT’S why God sent His only son to Earth to live with us and then to die by us.
Jesus was the sacrificial lamb to be slaughtered on the altar for the undeserving people. I’ll never deserve God. But He extends His hand to me anyways.
I take it.
I flounder, and my grip slips. God sometimes lets me go, and then leads me back to Him. Other times, He flings me up and catches me in His arms. Either way, I’m good. I’m not safe by any means; Satan exists after all. But I’m always in my Father’s arms.
This is the the God who has orchestrated everything that has every happened, is happening, and will happen. The God who knows precisely what I think and feel and mean in my heart, and who knows my every sin, yet forgives me anyway.
Who else can claim their God to be like mine? Nobody, that’s who.
Being here in Thailand through God’s will adds a glow to everything. I was made for this moment, right here, right now. I was made to spread God’s Word, and for it to transform me. I don’t feel fully fulfilled, and I doubt I ever will, but this gap year trip is a step in the right direction.
Adding onto this, I said goodbye to my mom now four days ago. It was hard; my mom is one of my very best friends. She always knows exactly what I’m trying to say and how I feel when I just say a word. I’m going to miss her horribly so.
BUT!! She told me the verse, John 1:21: “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; May the name of the Lord be praised!” God gave me all my experiences, from the good to the bad, to lead me up to this point.
Right here, right now, writing this blog in a hostel in Thailand, I’m right where God wants me to be. And God takes away. He took away the security of my mother and a routine life. But through it all, I will praise the Lord. Who else will I devote my life to?
^^^
Forwarding to Launch, it was fantastic just like Training Camp. I got my key necklace!! It was from Keys for the Journey, this awesome organization that partners with Adventures in Missions. A blurb from their website: “Keys for the Journey exists to empower people to journey with the Lord in a specific area of their lives. Through the wearing of a word, you carry a tangible reminder to be in prayer over that area of your life.” You can either purchase a key with a word ready on it, or order a custom key where they pray for a word for you. I ordered the custom one.
My word is “Engage”. God’s calling me out again. I uh, think this may become a trend on the Race.
Remember God’s prophetic word for me at Training Camp, ‘Bystander’? He was calling me to move, to act. Here, ‘Engage‘ is the word of the day, and once I saw my word, I knew exactly what God was talking about.
I am half deaf. This means that real life conversations in a group of people is hard to participate in. So a lot of times, I don’t. When I’m in groups, it’s been harder for me to interact with people. Now, it’s gotten to the point that if I have some alone time, I’ll spend it reading and away from potential conversations.
Engage. God is calling me to do the opposite of that. it’s the next step. First, I was a bystander. I had a victim mindset: “No one is ever going to walk up to me and start a conversation, so why should I keep having to do it?” It’s a bad mindset.
With God’s help, I’m trying to rid myself of the mindset. Cause and effect: I want someone to reach out to me first, because I’m always the one doing it. I always do it first, because when I was younger, few people reached out to me first. I always reach out to those who seem lonely, afraid, or the outcasts. People who are different like me! But it’s tiring to always do it first, and I’ve slowly slipped into a ‘poor me’ mindset.
No! NO! This isn’t good! This isn’t a healthy mindset to have! I have to engage with people, no matter if I reach out first and don’t want to. I have to engage on conversations, no matter if I’m missing half of it. I have to engage in life! I have to, because I’m not going to live my life with regrets and a perpetual pity party. And I’m engaging with God. Prayer is a dialogue, not a monologue. God is always present, even when I don’t feel Him.
As for the other necklace, my great-grandmother gave it to me before I left. She wanted to be a missionary herself, but because of the restrictions on woman at the time, she wasn’t able to do so. So both my necklaces have lots of meaning!! I love them!
^^^
Now, NOW we’re actually in Thailand! It was a lot of hours of flights, layovers, customs, and walking. I would say grueling, but honestly? I ADORE traveling. The walking or running across the airport to get to the gate in time, and then trying to find room to put down all your bags. Talking to strangers on the plane or when you’re waiting. Going to different levels to find food or the bathroom. The constant flow of people from every way of life.
I think it’s the caducity of it. Airports are always a hub of activity because it’s the transitions of the world. People emerge in and out of an airport; they don’t live in it. So it’s just that much more interesting. And each airport is different!! The Bangkok airport was more richly decorated and bigger than the Georgia airport! It’s why I love culture and trying new foods and meeting new people: there’s something different to be found in each.
Now I just have to force myself to go out there. I’m definitely going out to eat with a buddy.
I only realized last night how bad my anxiety had gotten. My anxiety goes hand-in-hand with my ADHD, but is usually calmed by my medication. But here in Thailand?
My anxiety, even with medication!, hasn’t been this bad since middle school. I like structure as much as the next person, but more so in rules. What are all the rules so I can follow them and not break them? It helps me not be so clueless, and to calm down my anxious fears of doing something wrong.
So I hadn’t realized that yeah, of course I won’t know the rules once I get into Thailand, and yeah, I’m going to be anxious about that! Thankfully, God put the best people on both my team and my squad.
On Thursday, our first day here, I didn’t leave the hostel, even though I was so excited to be here and explore. I was too scared of everything that could go wrong. I was talking with some of my teammates and telling self-deprecating jokes of, ‘yes I’m a baby because I didn’t go anywhere.’ (A lot of my squadmates had left to explore the area). My teammates were leaving for the night market, and offered for me to go with them. I said yes, and I am so glad that I did so.
The night market was awesome! It’s within sight of the hostel, so it’s just that close. The weirdest thing I saw there (and which I’m definitely going to try later) is crocodile, ostrich, and deer meat, along with fried scorpions. Yum! Going to the night market with my teammates was fantastic, and I’m so, so grateful that God had put them on my team.
He throws shade but is always honest,
Cheyenne
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, ”Therefore the Lord is my portion; I will wait for him.”
~Lamentations 3:22-24, NIV
