I’m just sitting at a local cafe trying to think of a topic for a new blog. I ask myself a series of questions, “What has God been teaching me,” “What have I been up to,” “How has God used me to serve him?” All these questions float around in my head but everything comes up blank. And to be honest, that has been most of my month. Constantly searching for something that will bring me joy. Every day I get to serve a local community through children’s ministry, the soup kitchen, and working out on a farm doing miscellaneous jobs with men that are going through a rehab program. Everywhere I turn, I see God working in this little community. Yet, I am unable to find joy in my own heart. Am I missing something? Why can’t I feel God’s presence in my own heart?
Yep, I just used that word “feel.” Many of you know me a little bit and know that feelings come hard for me. I have spent most of my life suppressing feelings such as pain and anger, that I unknowingly suppressed love and joy. I have spent many years searching for God’s love and have always found myself more angry with myself. Because, as much as I have tried to find love or experience joy, I have come up short. And for me, that means something must be wrong with me. Obviously, that’s not true; however I have lived in this lie for such a long time that I believe it.
If you could read my journals, almost every single entry is me pleading with God to just hear me and show me what His love feels like. Over and over again I have condemned myself and it has caused me to outcast myself because I didn’t believe that I was worth being loved by Him. Oh the lies that we allow ourselves to walk in all the time. Feeling hopeless, as if I would never get out of the funk that I have been in. I just kept everything bottled in.
I am learning that I am going to fail God constantly. But I can’t allow that failure to rule my life and my decisions. And He doesn’t focus on it. Truthfully, God only wants our hearts. In 2 Corinthians? ?12:8-10, Paul talks about having a thorn in his side and just wants it to go away. He pleads with God multiple times but God doesn’t take that thorn away. Instead God keeps it there so that Paul can understand that he is weak and can’t handle the pain by himself. God tells Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, and my power is made perfect in weakness.” Two things stand out to me in this verse.
First, where I fall short in my walk with God, He provide grace to fill in the gaps. Secondly, I am made perfect in my weakness. It’s been hard for me to see my weaknesses as something that can bring glory to God. I have been waiting to overcome my weakness so that I can be fully in tune with God. I have always felt that my weaknesses are what have kept me away from knowing him more.
With that, I have been wrestling with so many thorns this month. Thorns that I have felt I will never get through. But that’s just it, sometimes those thorns are always going to be there to remind us of how much we truly need God. Learning to accept God’s grace will help us remain content when we feel that we aren’t measuring up to God’s standards. As I continue the journey of learning about God’s grace, I will rest easily knowing that in my hopelessness, He is stronger.
“No matter what hopeless situation you’re facing today, know that God loves you, is with you, and longs to make you better than new.”
Lacy Jolene
