Although this week has been filled with new friends, new community and exciting adventures, fulfilling wouldn’t be the word I would use to describe it. There has been so much on our schedules I feel like I’m back home with a list of “To Do’s” before and after work that need to be done, but aren’t. There has been a lot to process and no time to process it. I haven’t had time to myself or with God. It’s been constant team time all day until feedback and team time at the end of the day. Sunday was breaking point. From Sunday service in all Spanish to a little time at the mall for wifi to a few hours at the beach to the craziest, extremely fun, physically tiring bus ride home it was an adventurous day, but not restful. Of course the Race is going to be filled with days that don’t go according to our plan and we are going to have to get used to that. Surprises will be apart of our everyday life and that is something I am looking forward to, but being rested so that we are prepared to serve in the ministry we were placed in is extremely important.
After yesterday’s adventures and making the worst tacos I’ve ever had (we ate them all though because well..food) with my team and going to bed, I thought I might wake up ready for this week. I was wrong about that. I woke up with a headache that lasted all day and I knew that any activity would make it worse. I went to breakfast and didn’t talk to my team because I was on the verge of a breakdown. As I have said before I love my team; I just needed some time. Time alone, time with God, time without a structure of what to process and what to talk about. So today I skipped ministry. I felt like I was skipping out on the reason I came here (and we are only a week in). I tend to want to help others and not worry about myself so I’m fine with my feelings being pushed aside until I have time for them. Sacrificing the comforts of home with friends and family is hard but doable. Sacrificing a job that gives me an income also hard, but also doable. Yet sacrificing time with the Lord, time alone, and time that gives me rest was way too easy for me this week. I’ve felt so drained and have blamed the schedule for my lack of time with the Lord. Instead of saying I’ll get to it eventually, it should be desired right when I wake up. A few teammates spoke some truth into the lies the enemy was telling me. Going to ministry today wouldn’t have been beneficial because I wouldn’t actually have been there. I needed a day to rest and process. A day to breathe. My teammates made me feel really good about staying behind because it was something I really needed that day. God also gave me peace about some things and helped me to process everything.
Today I was thinking and processing and a question came to mind. What am I filling my life with and are they actually fulfilling? This came to mind because the things that are filling me are good things. Community, resources given to us by our leadership that help us grow, feedback that allows us to become stronger as a team, and a ministry that brings excitement to each day. Yet I feel like it’s breaking me and weighing me down. Think of carrying a backpack and constantly putting things into it. All of what you are putting in the backpack can be good, but they can also be unhealthy if you are not putting God before them all. You can know all the things, know how to work through situations, be in a really loving community, and be apart of an amazing ministry but without authentic, raw time with the Lord nothing matters. God reminded me of that today. I like lists and marking things off knowing that they are done so I can get to the next thing. God made me realize that those can be good, but I was putting ‘Time with God’ at the bottom of the list and wasn’t getting around to it.
This week was stretching and unexpected. You would think the first week would be only exciting and easy, but for me it wasn’t just that. Bot how cool is it that we have a loving, constant and faithful God that has given me some sweet reminders through the pain and now I get to process and work through that in the coming months.
With much love,
Kristen
