A week or two ago I finally decided to make the decision to commit to the World Race. This decision has been a long one in the coming, to say the least.
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I first felt God break my heart for the nations in 8th grade at a Christian conference called Challenge. It was a small cardiac fracture, but it still broke. I had no idea who any of those people were over there in Africa, Asia, South America, Europe, and goodness knows where else, but the fact that so many people living in countries completely different from my own had never been told who Jesus was fell heavy on my heart. At the time, I wondered briefly if I was supposed to give my life to do missions. And then I forgot about it.
A couple years later, during my junior year in high school, I chose to actively pursue a relationship with Christ, and the Lord continued to grow my heart for His people. Then, during my senior year in high school I heard about this thing called the World Race. I knew two people who were going to do the Race—I figured it was a cool way to do missions and travel a lot. And then I forgot about it.
And then it came to mind again. And again. And again. For two years. During that span of time, I considered other opportunities to do mission trips with my church or with the Navigators (the college ministry I’m involved in), but the Race just kept invading my mind and heart. As God continually beckoned me to take a leap of faith into intimacy and trusting Him, I would continually take a step back and respond with “Maybe later, God. Now’s not really a good time.” In reality, I doubted His calling, was scared of what He was inviting me into, and just plain didn’t trust Him. A life of the unknown, danger, and living sacrificially was all fun and cool when occasionally daydreamed about, but became a different story altogether when it stepped out of my fantasy and into my reality.
And so, He responded to my doubt, fear, and distrust the way He always does: with patient love. He took my hand and helped me take baby steps. Each step required me to trust Him in a way I hadn’t before—with relationships, with future plans, with idols that I grasped so tightly, with control. Control was (and still is) a big hurdle for me. And with each step of faith I took, I trusted Him more. And now I am finally at the point where I can—by His tremendous grace and power—take the leap of faith needed to start this Race He has invited me to run with Him.
So now, as a sophomore in college, I’m handing this next year completely over into my Father’s hands to do with as He wishes. I’m sure He will test me, grow me, discipline me, and love me all the while. And I’m just as sure He will use me to make His name known for His glory. I don’t know what’s coming. I’m sure if I did, I might not have the courage to leave. But He is good—that I know for sure. And He’s my Father. He’s got me, He loves me, He will provide for me, and He will lead me because He is faithful even when I’m faithless. And now I’m finally trusting Him.
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BUT despite the assurance I’ve been given that He actually has called me to the Race, despite the fact that I know He will be with me every single step of the way, and despite my continued obedience to His call, I’m not ready. I’m not. I’m obeying, yes. I’m trusting, yes. I’m confident, yes. But I’m not happy. I don’t want to go. What do I want? I want to be able to drive 40 minutes home to see my family whenever I want. I want to spend time laughing, talking, and eating with my friends every single day. I want the comfort of my normal lifestyle: familiar places, familiar people, familiar foods, normal toilets, hot showers, and my own comfortable bed. I want the freedom to go wherever I want to do whatever I want whenever I want. I want my space—my introvert time—where I can just disengage from the world. I want to stay in college and finish in four years like a normal person.
I’m already grieving things I haven’t yet given up. This is weird.
Am I excited to travel? Yes, but really, I’d love to do it for a couple weeks, not a year, and DEFINITELY not out of a backpack. Am I excited to show God’s love to people overseas? Yes, but there are so many people in my life HERE who need the Gospel of God’s grace and love just as much. Am I excited to grow in intimacy with my Father? YES, but I’m fully confident that He would provide other opportunities to help me walk in closer relationship with him HERE.
I want to find joy in this, but I am struggling to find joy in this right now, folks. I’m fighting alright, but the struggle is real.
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Father, i’m just not ready
i can’t do this on my own
take my desires, take my heart
give me Your desires, Your heart
give me a softer heart for Your people
give me joy, because I desperately need it right now
i’m struggling, I need help
help me, Abba
i’m grieving things I haven’t yet given up
help me count it all as loss for the sake of knowing and following You
help me value you above else, to cherish you more than I cherish this life
thank you for your assurance, for your presence, for placing Your Spirit in me
thank you for inviting me into this crazy thing You have planned
i don’t have much, but what I have I give to You
not my will, but Thy will be done
i love you, Father
not nearly as much as I want to, but I do
Father, you are all that I need
You are my Shepherd, I lack nothing
if my small heart can only know one love, I pray that it’s You and You alone
love,
Your daughter
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P.S. – Wow. This was my first time writing a blog. HA! I never thought I’d ever write one. If you took the time to read this, I am so thankful for your support, your prayers, and that you care enough to journey with me in this. THANK YOU 🙂
