Let me tell y’all something…
This month. This place. This ministry. These people. All of these things and everything else about what I’m doing is making me super uncomfortable as of late. For our ministry, my team and I have spent it playing with kids that have been infected or affected with HIV/ AIDS, scrubbing floors, painting houses, cleaning out classrooms, and removing ceiling tiles, inside and outside. All of which I’ve never really done and never thought I would do while I was here. We’ve been around people who spoke differently than us, and we couldn’t communicate with a lot of these people. We’ve eaten many strange and spicy foods. We’ve walked around and explored the city and saw so many temples dedicated to a god that doesn’t exist. We’ve tried to speak the language of the Thai people. We sometimes failed at this, but we’ve all pretty much nailed down two phrases (“Hello” and “Thank you.”) Everything that I have experienced this month has brought me out of my little bubble and has taken me places I thought I could never go. It’s so uncomfortable. However, this is the kinda place I long to be in.
Story time.
A few days after we got to Thailand, I started having my fair share of doubts. I was doubting that my presence should be here. I was doubting that I had a purpose to be in Thailand. I was feeling like I didn’t fit in with my team, and I was only slowing them down as they do amazing things for God. I was thinking that the stress and anxiety that I brought with me was too great to do anything about. I was worried that depression was going to hit me again. I was so scared that everything I was feeling was going to affect the ministry we were doing, one way or another. The Devil really got into my head because he knows that’s how easy it is to do, and I believed him.
Last Sunday, feelings started to rush into my mind about home. Feelings that I’ve been struggling with for quite some time now. Feelings of wanting to fix some situations, but knowing I couldn’t do anything about them. I started to freak out, and my breathing was somewhat struggling. After calming down, I knew I had to take action and tell someone because I did not want it affecting the awesome things God is doing here. So, I texted one of my teammates and asked if she would pray for me. This same teammate gave me some constructive feedback. Her feedback was to “not keep stuff to myself.” She wanted to talk with me, so we met and talk for about 30-45 minutes about the concept of “letting go.” Letting go is something I’ve tried to do so many times, but I’ve seemed to keep a few fingers on the problem. After our talk, she encouraged me to go up onto the roof of the hostel we are staying at and do some worship, which is something I’ve been doing for a while here. Well after she prayed over me, I did just that. I asked God to give me the strength to let go of every little problem that I had. And He answered it. I let go of everything. And y’all, I’ve never felt a greater presence of peace and freedom. And from this peace and freedom came realization. I realized in that moment that if I wasn’t meant to be here in Thailand, I probably never would’ve let those problems go. If I was meant to be on a different team, I may have never opened up and talked about this stuff. Obviously, if I wasn’t meant to be here, God would have done SOMETHING to keep me from being here today.
My point from all of that is this: sometimes, the “uncomfortableness” of it all can bring out the biggest change in your life. Change is scary. Letting go of these problems was scary for me because I was jumping head-first into the unknown. It’s only been a week from that decision, but I know for a fact that I’m happier because of it. I’m FREE because of it.
I stated in an earlier blog that the concept of “peace” was sticking out to me ever since training camp. Little did I know that this peace was for me. It wasn’t until God showed me what peace was that I realized I hadn’t known peace in so long. I kinda forgot what it felt like. I do, however, wish it wasn’t me that God was putting the “peace” in my mind for. I wish it was for someone else because, in my opinion, I am the least deserving of peace. I’m the least deserving of His forgiveness. Of His love. His mercy. His grace. His blessings. Of the life He gave me. I do not, have not, and will never deserve anything He’s given me. But I do guess this is what makes Him an all loving God. He knows how unworthy I am. He knows I’m undeserving. He knows how full of it I am. Yet, here we are today. Him giving His love out to me, and to all who believe in Him. Why? He’s loving. He’s gracious. He’s forgiving. And He’s never gonna stop being those things. It took just one month of being across the world to get me to realize these things.
So I guess my one-liner that y’all can take away from this lengthy blog would be this: If you ever have the chance to step out and be uncomfortable for the sake of Jesus’ name, do it.
Do know this, if you do happen to take this leap of faith and be uncomfortable, He may just take you to a place you never thought you’d go, with people you may have never met, to see things you may have never seen. He did it for me, and I don’t doubt He’ll do it for you as well. Man, that is like, literally, super uncomfortable, ain’t it?
