This past month have been so busy but my soul has been set free, been at peace, walking in grace, in freedom, and I’ve realized how much I am loved.
Everyone has this deep desire to be needed, to be wanted, to be an important part of something. We all want text messages to hang out. We all desire to be apart of the things that our friends are doing on Facebook. It is the struggle of being wanted and unique. I struggle with this too. I so deeply desire to be needed. I struggled this past month with the feeling of being loved purely for who I am. Not what I do. I have always struggled with this.
I always feel like I have to earn love. I have to do something for you to earn love. I have to be perfect in your eyes to earn your love. I had to people please to be loved. I believed that I was not loved by who I am but by what I do for you.
God gave me a team that proved that they love me. Not for what I do but who I am. I am so grateful for them more then they’ll know. But what about God? How am I loved when God knows all my moves, all my evil thoughts, and everything in between?
What do I bring you God? Do you need me? Do you even want me? Don’t I bring you down? I fall to flesh desires. I’ve been drunk, I’ve fallen to porn, I’ve smoked, I’ve lied, I’ve put others down, I’ve been selfish, I’ve done so much. How do you still want me? Wouldn’t it be easier to carry on without me? How do I bring you worth?
I asked these questions and God answered.
He gave me a vision to me. God is in front of me. He kneels down. Washes my feet. Takes the scars on my hands from playing bloody knuckles. He took the scars from fights. He took my lungs that have had smoke filled. He took the pain in my heart. He took my feelings of neediness. He took my sins. He took my sins of tomorrow and tattooed them on his arm.
God then turns and speaks “I love you because you are my son. I love you because I am in love with you. I love you because this kingdom needs you. There is so much for us to do in this kingdom. I created you to come be apart of my kingdom. So are you going to let me take your pain, scars, sins, and hurts? We have work to do.”
I cried rivers as my heart fell into the hands of the Lord. I cried as the burdens fell down. I cried as I felt the walls of my heart crumbled.
Romans 6 has hit hard. Romans 6:14 Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.
I am still learning to walk in freedom and grace and what that truly looks like but everyday it is a struggle. Romans 6:16 says “Don’t you realize that you become the slabs of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.”
The devil attacks me when I believe I lies of self worth and that I have to earn love. But I choose to walk in his love, grace, and freedom life because that is what he gives all of us.
So what will you choose?
