As I sit in my empty room. Boxes in the truck. Dust bunnies roaming the floor of my room. I tear up thinking of the memories I have had in this room. Think of the convos had in this house. I think of just a year ago I was so excited to move in here. Now everything is gone back away in boxes and the only mark left of me in the room is a couple nails and a couple smears on the wall from Grizzly Rose X marks that have rubbed off on the wall in my sleep.
I get overwhelmed at the fact that I leave this house and Boulder tomorrow at 6am, I leave Denver where I grew up and has always been apart of my life on Monday, and I leave the country for 11 months next Friday.
Tears bubble up and fall like boulders, my heart and stomach turn, my body goes limp and my mind races thinking “What….What did I sign up for…How am I prepared for this?”
My heart falls and falls hard. I feel like I am abandoning my family, my brothers and sisters in Boulder, my ride or dies in the Eastside, my church family, and so many others that are in between all those. I feel this sense that I am going to miss so much of peoples lives. I am going to miss weddings, celebrations, life with my brothers who are going through high school without me, Younglife hangouts, Rose dances, and overall just life.
I sit back and think “Why am I leaving?” This hurts. This really hurts. This seems to big for me. This seems like I will never get past this pain.
I sit and I weep. Eyes closed and the world becomes dark. Dark and empty.
I weep and I cry ugly tears. My heart breaks and then breaks more at every memory and thought of leaving for 11 months passes my mind. God appears and is sitting right here with me in this empty room. He is handing me the tissue box and saying “Let me hold you. Cry on my shoulder. Cry for as long as you need but also guess what. Your going and you are going to be with me for a year.”
I look up and just like that. The dream with God has ended. My eyes open and he is gone but his spirit is holding me.
I sit in the pain and realize it is not goodbye forever. It is not goodbye until I see you again. It is goodbye and I will see you in a year. Life will change in a year but this calling that I have has to put everything else on hold. I am serving a God this year that made each of us. That has given us breath since the first day you were born. Whipped your sins and my sins free. I am so ready to learn about his name, his voice, his heart, his story, his hands, his feet,
So this is for you. Whatever role you played in my life up to this point I am honored to have done life with you. Thank you for being a friend, guiding, counseling me, pushing me, laughing with me, hearing me heart, holding my heart when it was broken, dancing with me at the Rose, or anywhere in between. Thank you. I seriously thank you with all that I got. I am excited and honored for this next year. Yes, I will mourn now but also live in the excitement that is to come.
Life is like a mountain and I am thankful for all the memories the Eastside, Boulder, Providence and so many others have given me. But as I look back at the steps I have taken in life I am still climbing that mountain of life. Each of those steps have guided me to this point and I am ready to make the next leap up this mountain, not because of my strength but because of his.
I will see you in a year.
