I wake up in the morning and I’m surrounded by three other people in my room. I get up and go to the bathroom and there are at least two other people there. I finished getting ready every morning and go downstairs to find 15 people on the couch and to wait for the other 15 to come down so we can eat breakfast. All 30 of us eat breakfast in the same room and then i walk the 30 minute walk to ministry with my five other teammates. I then spend all day with at least two other people, if not 10. I walk back home for 30 minutes with my five people. I spend the afternoon in the same room or hanging out with at least one other person. We all eat dinner in the same room and then frequently hang out for a while before going to bed where I sleep in a room with three other people. And yet, sometimes i feel lonely. How on earth does that happen? To be honest, I have no idea and I couldn’t tell you how it happens, but it does.
Sometimes I look around and it seems as though everyone has their person except for me, which is silly, because I know we all have each other. The loneliness doesn’t usually last too long but it comes in waves of feeling that way. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time it’s wonderful and I hardly ever feel that way. And there have been times where I’ve stayed up way way way too late hanging out and i wouldn’t trade it for the world and I would love to do it again and again. But, other times, oddly enough, it does get lonely.
Being away from home and away from my family members and friends who I have known and loved and spent my whole life with is hard. Sometimes I just want a hug from my mom or to sit in a deer stand with my dad or stay up late watching a stupid show with my sister making fun of it together. But I can’t do that like I always want to right now because I’m in a completely different country. Sometimes, I think I’m fine, and I later realize that I just want to cuddle with my dog in my bed or be able to walk down the steps to go see my grandparents. And it can be lonely, even when I’m surrounded by 30 other people.
It’s during the moments that I have to sit and do nothing that usually get me down like this…which we can sometimes have a lot of while we’re here, especially on the weekends or being in a room full of people who can’t speak or care for themselves, where you just sit all day, sit and think, sit and pray, sit and sing in your head, sit. Homesickness can be very very real and that’s the reality of being away from home and away from family.
It’s in these moments that I have to sit and pray and remind myself that I am here for a reason. Remind myself that, yes I’m here to glorify God and to grow His kingdom, but part of why I am here is to grow myself in my relationship with Jesus and to grow a dependency on Him that will never fail and that I can build my life on from here on out. I have to remind myself that yes, He does see me as enough. I have to remind myself that no, He did not make a mistake. I have to remind myself that the God I serve, knows and loves me more than anyone ever could, holds me in His hands, and walks with me every step of the way. I have to remind myself of these things and so much more more than I’d care to admit. Most of the time, I have to ask Him to remind me of these things because I can’t do it on my own. I have to ask him to show me these things. I have to find a place to sit alone (or “alone”) and soak in who He is and remember who I am in Him. And, yeah, it’s hard and it’s challenging and sometimes there are some tears involved, and that’s okay. Sometimes I just have to really remember that I’m not alone and I never will be, ever.
So, it’s not always easy but it is always good.
“ Lord your love it runs so deep
every breath you breathe in me
you don’t give up on me
you don’t give up on me
and as long as my heart beats
in know you will carry me
you don’t give up on me
you don’t give up on me
woah, you hold me
forever, you hold me
woah, you hold me
forever, you hold me”
You Hold Me
by Liberty Campus Band
